Revival!

In the year and a half since the last post on our blog much has changed about our little group. Most of us have gotten engaged and married or are about to be, we gone our separate ways regionally speaking, and for lack of better terminology we've grown older. I'm not sure how many of the original posters are still out there or are still connected to our little spot on the web, however being the "doer" that I am, I've decided to make an attempt to bring us back together here. For all who have posted on TPB before and who might check in or get an alert that I've made this post, swing by and leave a response and lets breathe some life back into this puppy. I say this as I sit on my deck drinking a fine Canadian whiskey and smoking a fine cigar in homage to days gone by. In the words of my picture representation 'Terrible Terry Tate', "Just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean I don't come to play baby", let's hear from ya boys.

TUW

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Updates

I’ve always prided myself in bringing good stuff to our little breakfast table on the web. As of late, I just haven’t had much to say. I haven’t even had much time to put to written word anything that I may have wanted to say. I’ve had some free time tonight and have spent the better part of three hours to find something to write about. The truth is that there isn’t anything going on right now that really pulls me in. So, in an effort to get something out there, I’ve decided to switch gears and let you behind the cyber veil and give you a glimpse of what’s going on in my life right now.

SCHOOL

I’ve been back for well over a month now and it’s keeping me very busy. My first week back I started an externship at the City of Camden City Attorney’s Office. It’s been fun to get out and practice, but it’s a massive amount of work. On a related note, the City of Camden gets sued A LOT.

WILDWOOD

This past weekend, Cannon and I went down to his parents’ shorehouse to close it up for the off-season. After a little bit of less-than-hard work and a hearty dinner, we hit the town. We hit it hard. The last bar that we hit up was a little dive where the primary source of entertainment was six middle-aged women who were partying in the loosest sense of the word. Their ring-leader was a semi-attractive woman in her forties named ‘Linda.’ Linda claimed that her compatriots were all sisters and she was married to one of their brothers. Oddly enough, this group had two women named Debbie. Hmmmmm.

MLB PLAYOFFS

I’m not watching them. I’m not watching anything for that matter. I’ve been without cable because of a disastrous error made by my school’s financial aid office. Of course, the one year in my life that I don’t have cable, a dude (Mark Kotsay) goes all the way for an inside the park home run. It would have been cool to see that.

That’s about all. I’m sure there’s more, but I need to go to bed.

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Links: Better than 35 Vicodin?

Mel v. Dennis – Dennis Leary has an opinion on Mel Gibson. Watch for Jerry Remy’s very subtle reaction to Leary’s riff.

Checking Out In Style – “Steve Irwin lived a rugged, manly life and died a rugged, manly death. Not many men have the good fortune to die when an ocean beast skewers their heart with a venomous spike. Irwin actually pulled the murderous barb from his chest before checking out.” Click the link for more on manly deaths from Cold, Hard Football Facts.

Defend Yourself! – Keeping with the manly theme that I’ve got going, here’s a link to a site that uses illustrations to demonstrate the many ways to fight off an attacker with a cane. If you’re concerned that there are many different types of walking sticks, like ones with hooks, don’t worry. They’ve got ALL the possibilities.

How do you like your Jesus? – Great site that has various takes on Jesus. There’s Fat Jesus, Jesus Preachin’ to Ladies, Pal Jesus, and many more. Above, I have posted 1998 Power Home Run Hitting Jesus. Find the Jesus that’s right for you.

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T.O.'s Lesson

The hot story of the day is the T.O. and his attempted/alleged suicide. It’s a big topic of discussion down here in Philly and there has been a fairly good amount of level-headed discussion on the issue. One of the elements of the discussion which annoys, but doesn’t surprise, me is how people can’t fathom that a rich person would want to kill himself. As Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN’s TMQ, has written, money does not equal happiness. Here’s what he wrote in his most recent column.

I'll add another suggestion on why time is more important to happiness than money: Because time is far more precious. Money that has been used up can be replaced; you can always get at least some additional money, and in principle can get huge amounts of additional money. Your time on Earth, on the other hand, is limited and irreplaceable. You might add somewhat to your time on Earth by taking care of your health -- and that's an excellent idea, but there are no guarantees you won't be hit by a bus anyway. We all must surrender some of our time for work to acquire income. But those who obsessively chase maximum material possessions give up something precious and fleeting, namely time, in order to acquire something that cannot make them happy, namely money.

One final note before I sign off. Recently, in a class titled “Law, Justice & Society”, the discussion was focusing in on how, in a just society, it would ever be possible to ensure that every citizen would be able to have access to an adequate sense of self-worth. Most people in the class thought that this would require “honoring” an almost infinite amount of superlatives. (i.e. “Best Dressed” X the number of people in the society.) Some, however, believed that, in a capitalist society, the only true superlative would end up being actual wealth.

The heart of the matter is that money can not be relied on to make one happy. TO’s story shows how those dissenters from my class are wrong. Enrichment can be found in many, many forms. Often money, of course, can make that enrichment easier. But having cash is only a facilitator, not the end.

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Laffey v. Chafee -- My Long Last Word on Rhodey Politics

Senator Lincoln Chafee’s victory this past Tuesday’s was a fascinating experiment in Rhode Island Republican politics. Cannon and I spent some time talking about this race on the eve of the primary and I believed that the determinative factor would be the total number of people who would vote in the primary.

I argue that Mayor Laffey lost this primary when Matt Brown’s own bid failed. For the uninitiated, Matt Brown is the current Secretary of State in RI and was challenging Sheldon Whitehouse to be the Democratic Senate candidate. Because his campaign hemorrhaged money like a horny, 23-year old guy in bar with a $9 cover, Brown was forced to fold his tent and back out of the race. When he did, Whitehouse was basically given a free pass to the general election.

The advantage to the Whitehouse camp is obvious. While his eventual opponent was getting the crap beat out of him by someone from his own party, sucking away resources and goodwill from their own base, he was able to hang back, walk in parades, and drink appletinis. Brown’s withdrawal also significantly aided the Chafee campaign as well.

To vote in a Rhode Island primary, you must be registered as a member of the party which is having the primary or be an unaffiliated voter. If you are registered as a member of a party, you can’t vote in any other party’s primary. This becomes troublesome since the vast majority of the municipal races are settled in that municipality’s Democratic primary. To avoid being shut out of a primary, a lot of RIers remain unaffiliated, even though they probably associate themselves with one party.

Enter Laffey and Chafee. The last statewide primary for Republicans drew about 25K voters. People thought that this was a high number at the time, especially in the context of a heated Democratic primary. The largest Republican primary, Almond/Macthley in 1994, drew about 50K voters. The current race drew well over 60K voters. If Brown had managed to hold on and challenge Whitehouse, the number of voters on the ‘R’ side of the ledger would have been substantially less. This favored Senator Chafee in big way. Every unaffiliated voter who came into the primary diluted the conservative base that Mayor Laffey geared his entire campaign to.

The final results bear out that Mayor Laffey ran a very good campaign. In spite of the large number of voters who turned out, he managed to keep it very close. His campaign’s biggest flaw was probably relying too heavily on polling numbers that told him what he wanted to hear. If he had expanded the net of his campaign earlier on, he would have been able to capture a larger number of the unaffiliated voters and possibly even solidify his chances going into the general election.

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What? No Myrth York?

My thoughts on Chafee v. Laffey to come tomorrow. Until then, here are my thoughts on the upcoming general elections. Incumbents are in caps.

Governor: DON CARCIERI (R) v. Charles Fogarty (D)

I absolutely love this race. You have a well-heeled, incumbent against someone who has been in elected office since he was in grade school. (NOTE TO SELF: Check if that’s true.) We also have candidates whose strengths are not exactly prototypical for their parties. Governor Carcieri is particularly strong in Providence, where the official city motto is “Where Statewide Republican Campaigns Come to Die.” The Lt. Governor is strong in the western, more conservative part of the state due to his ties to Glocestor. All in all, I’d rather snag Providence. Although I’m torn because Charlie does look like Mr. Potato Head, I gotta go with the Gov on this one.

Lt. Governor: Reginald Centracchio (R) v. Elizabeth Roberts (D)

I was pretty surprised when General Reginald “Call me Reggie” Centracchio made the jump into this race. I have no idea how he’ll do and don’t especially think that it matters all that much. The Lieutenant Governor doesn’t do all that much and only serves the purpose of being a statewide, elected official who can stump and raise cash for lower offices. If Gen. Reggie is committed to that sort of party-building, he could be a valuable asset to the Republicans, but this benefit is mitigated by the low prestige of the position. As a side note, even if he does win, there isn’t a lot of upward mobility for an old guy. I’d rather have a younger gun (say a Laffey or an Avedisian) be in this slot and ready to run for Senate or Governor down the road. Bonus side note: if Gov. Carcieri and the General do win, he will be the first LG to be of the same party as the Governor since Bernie Jackvony was appointed to the office in ’97.

Secretary of State: Sue Stenhouse (R) v. Ralph Mollis (D)

Pass. For now.

Treasurer: Andrew Lyon (R) v. Frank Caprio (D)

No real thoughts on this race other than an anecdote. When Andrew Lyon came forward to run for Treasurer in 2002, he was a complete unknown. No one really expected him to do much, but he did put in a lot of effort. In RI, one of the requirements to get on the statewide ballot is that you must get a thousand signatures from registered voters. It’s a time-consuming task and very tedious and most candidates view it as an afterthought that’s the volunteer coordinator’s problem. Mr. Lyon, on the other hand, feverishly worked Smithfield to get as many signatures as he could for the Republican ticket. It doesn’t really do anything for his ability to win this race, but it is encouraging to see a guy off the street do all that he can to affect change in his community.

Attorney General: Bill Harsch (R) v. PATRICK LYNCH (D)

Pass.

1st District US Rep: Jon Scott (R) v. PATRICK KENNEDY (D)
I really don’t like Patrick Kennedy. The best argument that democracy is bound to fail is that this guy is a congressman. On the good news front, since he oversaw the Dems getting beat down while head of the DNCC, he isn’t in the mix for Speaker if the Dems do take the House this year. So, as a groundskeeper might say, I’ve got that going for me.

2nd District US Rep: No One (R) v. JIM LANGEVIN (D)

It’s pretty tough to dislike Jim Langevin and I don’t. At the same time, the fact that he has run unopposed for all intents and purposes since he got into office is a big indictment of where the Republican Party is in Rhode Island.

US Senate: LINCOLN CHAFEE (R) v. Sheldon Whitehouse (D)

This one is the Daddy Race. It has the potential to have serious implications on a national level, but I’d rather focus on the local side of it. (Tip of the hat to Tip.) Having a U.S. Senator that’s a Republican is absolutely huge for the state party. My rough guess is that having Linc Chafee on the team is worth about $100K to other candidates in each cycle where he isn’t running. That number, which is a very conservative guess, includes every statewide office and every candidate underneath them right down to the city council level. There is almost certainly the same advantage with having an active, Republican governor as well.

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Classic Fall

With the onset of the NFL’s season, autumn is right around the corner, which happens to be my favorite season. Without further ado, here is my list of things I love about the fall and football.

· Because of football, it is socially acceptable to for me to drink beer early in the day. The importance of this needs no further explanation.
· Campaigning in the fall. The happiest moments in my life came while driving around Rhode Island, going from campaign stop to campaign stop. I always had a blast and making those trips, which usually went from about 7am to 10pm, helped me fall in love with the Ocean State. I’ve been out of that world for two election cycles and it surprises me how much I miss those experiences, especially this year. On the bright side, the cube I’m working in now is green.
· TV. I love TV. The leaves falling means that new episodes of my favorite shows will soon be broadcast directly into my brain. There are so many questions left unanswered. Will Earl finally assuage karma? Will Denny Crane finally succumb to Alzheimer’s? Will Pam finally realize that both Jim and Roy are wrong for here and that her dream guy is some blogger in a green cubicle? Um. Moving on.
· Aside from Sunday afternoon libations, watching a whole slate of games makes for a pretty awesome way to kill a Sunday. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at The Ultimate Weapon’s house. Sure, there was a lot of football, but there was also a lot of other good stuff going on as well. For instance, TUW’s sister brought some saltine’s down into the basement. Cannon challenged me to see how many saltines I could eat in a minute. This lead to Cannon and myself spending the next 15 minutes or so furiously shoveling crackers into our mouths. This would not happen during a hockey game.
· Tailgating. You’ve seen the pictures. It’s a real good time.

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Links: Almost as Good as Bacon

(FYI: Normally, once you click on the links, a new window will pop up. Since I'm at work, I don't have the handy code that allows that to happen. So if you start a clickin, TPB will be replaced with a pirate's or some grandma's website. Just wanted to let you know.--Iconoclast)

Pirate for Congress – He doesn’t accept money from anyone and promises to rid the world of “make-up wearing robots.” He also has two months of college. (He left early to work in a horse stable.) Surprisingly, I guess, he is also for gay marriage. (The government doesn’t belong in two places: your gun cabinet and your bedroom.) If you are looking to kill some time, read thru some other policy stands in his blog. Chiclet with the assist.

Elder Wisdom Circle – If you’re like me, you’ve got problems. There’s school, work, life, love, and all that fun stuff. If you need a sounding board, how would an old person do? This website will have an old person respond to your queries about life. Try it out.

Great American Passes – Guy Gabaldon, a veteran of World War II, died over the weekend. Using only candy bars and smokes, he tricked over 1000 Japanese soldiers to surrender at the battle of Saipan. As he succinctly puts it: “My actions proves that God takes care of idiots.” Yes, he does.

NEWS FLASH: LIMBAUGH ON KATIE COURIS – Reportedly, Katie is only suffering from broken ribs and what her producers call “a slight limp.”

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Patriots: The Movie (Working Title)

The Cast

Tom Brady – Matt Damon

This one is the easiest on the board. I’d trust Damon with this role for two reasons. The first is that he’s a Boston guy and he’d have a feel for Tom Terrific. The second is that he’s got the whole boyish thing going on. In short, he’s the perfect guy to play The Dynamic Dimple. As long as we’re not stuck with Ashton Kutcher or Ben Affleck here, we should be fine.

Bill Belichick – Tom Berenger

Tom Berenger is a hard-ass of the 10th order. He’d have to gain some weight for the role, but what else is Berenger up to that he can’t take a month to sling back Big Macs? If you don’t buy into this one, I challenge you to picture Berenger in a gray hoodie. If you’re still not on board, name someone better.

Drew Bledsoe – Dylan Walsh

Dylan Walsh is the plastic surgeon from Nip/Tuck that isn’t a sexual deviant. He’s been selected because he has an adequate jaw-line to play Bledsoe.

Adam Vinatieri – Eric Bana

Remember the guy from Troy, Munich, and Black Hawk Down? After Adam’s countless number of clutch kicks, most New Englanders will remember #4 for his awesome playoff beards. They were magnificent. In just about every movie, Bana has a good amount a facial hair growth. We’ve got another match.

Troy Brown – Omar Epps

It’s been too long since Omar Epps has been in a sports movie. I checked IMDB.com and the last one he did was some awful boxing movie where Meg Ryan was a freaking boxing promoter. Omar Epps is a sports movie legend and first-ballot hall-of-famer. This is the guy who starred in Major League 2 AND The Program. His last sports flick cannot have Meg Ryan in it. He’s got enough charisma to make Troy Brown work. I envision Troy being the fun-loving underdog and providing a lot of comedy in the movie. He also has to be a believable athlete (Downtown did catch 101 balls that season).

Tedy Bruschi – Michael Pena

Pena is the Mexican guy from Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center. He also played Chavez in Friday Night Lights. That’s about all I got. I’m not real pleased with this one, though.

Lawyer Milloy – Will Smith/Wayne Brady

Before Lawyer Milloy officially changed his name to The Perpetually Embittered Lawyer Milloy, he was the likeable star of the Pat’s defense. He was the life of the party at that first Superbowl parade, even getting Bob Kraft to dance...poorly. In an ideal world, we’d unite Will Smith with his co-star from the Legend of Bagger Vance and see if they could make a good movie this time. Smith would be great in the role. He can play intense real well and still bring some of that “I’m a fun guy” element to the character. Of course, Will Smith probably wouldn’t be down for this little project, so we’d have to settle for Wayne Brady.

The Story – Here’s how it’d go down

We’d start off with the end of the 2000 season when the Pats only won five games. There needs to be some scene where Tom Berenger decides that things have got to change. He should probably be in his office and speak ominously of the upcoming season.

As we fade into the 01 season, things aren’t much better. Bledsoe is getting demolished and the Pats have already lost their first game to the Bengals. During the second game, the evil Mo Lewis, as played by Ving Rames, practically murders Drew as he’s running out of bounds. Cue Tom Brady.

As soon as Brady enters the scene, you begin to see the team gelling together. Perhaps Lawyer Milloy and Adam Vinatieri discuss the team’s prospects over scotch. I don’t know what happens. This has the potential to be the boring part of the film. Don’t worry. All sports movies have the lull before the train starts rolling.

After the Pats lose a heartbreaker to the Rams, it’s about time for a montage. A really kick-ass montage, too. Vinatieri kicking field goals. Brady throwing screen passes. Troy Brown returning kicks. Drew Bledsoe brooding on the sideline and sporting a neck beard. All the good stuff. The montage will carry us into the play-offs.

I don’t even know how’d we handle the Snow Bowl except we need to see all the guys with their arms locked waiting for the refs to make the tuck call. Besides that, the only other point of interest would be Vinatieri’s kicks. We should also work in how absolutely desperate Bledsoe is at this point. Maybe we should show various teammates following him around on some sort of suicide watch or something.

Here’s where the rubber meets the road during the Steelers game. If you want a real goose bump scene, wait for when Tom “Golden Boy” Brady goes down and Drew Bledsoe, still sporting the neck beard, trots onto the field and connects with Troy Brown for a TD. Pure magic. Throw in Bledsoe crying at the end of the game and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Cut to a Tom Berenger voice-over during clips of Superbowl XXXVI:

While the Greatest Show on Turf came out as individuals, the 53 men on the Patriots came out as team that day, as they had all season. [Cue guys running out of the tunnel.] The experts had the Rams as 14-point favorites. What the experts forgot about was the determination and heart of these lunch-pail warriors. [Cue Wayne Brady/Will Smith lighting up various Rams receivers.] In the end, we needed Adam to go out there and kick one last field goal for us. [Cue Vinatieri ripping the hearts out of everyone in St. Louis and degenerate gamblers everywhere. Tom Berenger’s voice begins to crack] This last one made us World Champions. [Cue inspirational music and the confetti dropping.]

The end.

Except for the sequels.

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Movies & Sports

I got to see Invincible this weekend. It was everything that you’d expect from one of Disney’s sports flicks. Here’s the Disney formula:

Underdog (Papale) + A Supporting Cast Butchering Some City’s Accents (Philly) + A Driven Coach With A New Outlook On Doing Things (Vermeil) + Adversity (the guy was a freaking bartender) = Movie (Invincible)

Pretty simple formula that they have followed to perfection. Remember Miracle? Very, very, solid movie. Instead of Philly accents, we had Minnesota and Boston accents. Miracle’s Vermeil was Herb Brooks. If you’re looking for adversity in Miracle, you may have heard of something called the Soviet Union.

I’m sure that you remember Remember the Titans. Same exact movie. The difference is that you’ve got racists instead of communists. So I had this great idea for Disney’s next project: the 2001 New England Patriots.

You’ve got a back-up quarterback who leads a team of spare parts to a Superbowl victory over a superior team against all odds. That’s FOUR clichés right there. The main character would, of course, be Tom Brady. You’ve got Bill Belichick as the cerebral coach. The bad guys would be the Rams, who even beat the Pats earlier in the season. Gold mine.

The only question left is who would play who. The main characters that need to be coached are Brady, Belichick, Adam Vinatieri, Tedy Bruschi, Troy Brown, Lawyer Milloy and Drew Bledsoe. There are others, too.

This is where y’all come in. Let me know, via the comments, who should be cast. I’ll post the final roster or cast or whatever on Friday.

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Links: I don’t know how to quit you

9/11 Conspiracy Nuts – Did you know that September 11th was planned by the Bush Administration in an effort to beef up defense spending? This site is truly special. It’s run by a quack professor out in Wisconsin. I heard him on 1210 (‘The Big Talker’ in Philly) and wanted to give his site a look.

The Devil Made Em Do it – Here’s an interesting note: the Pope has an official “caster out of demons.” According to a priest who is Pope Benedict’s COD, Hitler and Stalin were possessed by the devil. Interesting. I’ve done some research and found out that Pope John Paul’s COD was actually Chuck Norris. Thank you, Chuck Norris. Thank you.

The Great American Bar – Not rain or sleet or hail or a really big hurricane will stop you from doing a body shot off a coed at Johnny White’s on Bourbon Street. Apparently, Johnny White’s stayed open throughout Hurricane Katrina. JD Landrum, owner/operator, I salute you.

Gynormous Baby – Woman gives birth to 14lb baby. Anyone who knows me knows that I dream of having giant babies. My goal birth weight is 13lbs. Also, diabetic mothers are more prone to have larger babies. Does anyone know if there is a dating web-site that information on, say, whether a woman has a disease, uh, like diabetes? This isn’t for me. It’s for a buddy. Never mind.

Ravishing Rick Haiku – Funny haikus. I think I’ve said enough.

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Summer Lovin: Had Myself a Blast

Well, TPB is back! We should be back on a post-a-day pace for the foreseeable future and I’m excited to get back in the flow of things. I figure that the best way to kick this off with a few thoughts on what happened this summer.

· The biggest news from the summer is that Connect4 got hitched in the beginning August. It was a fantastic day and truly joyous. C4 will be joined in the ranks of the married over the next year by the Ultimate Weapon, July ’07, and Cannon, April ’07. The Octogon and plans on taking my hand in marriage as soon as Rhode Island or New Jersey allows us to.
· The Red Sox have fallen off the table. The Phillies have stormed back into the playoff race. The Yanks found some way to add a top-five OBP guy to their squad at the very low rate of $15M or so a year. All of our predictions were pretty much off-base. I still hate Derek Jeter.
· To mark C4’s last few weeks as a bachelor, Team Pancake Breakfast and a few friends took a road trip out to Milwaukee and Chicago to catch a few ballgames. The highlights included tailgating before a game at Miller Park and seeing a 19-inning game. The lowlights included me getting a speeding ticket in Ohio and finding a dead bat on the grill of our rented van. In my defense on the speeding ticket, if you’ve ever been to Ohio, you understand why I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible too.
· I moved to New Jersey. Pray for me.

Good to be back. Somebody get me some syrup.

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The Return of T.U.W.

Per the monacre it is only right to call upon The Weapon when needed. That said my favorite blog seems to have gotten as slow and bloated as David Wells. So I make my return to give the much needed shot in the arm this blog deserves. I bring to you Chinese Babies, I dare you not to laugh at this.

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/chinesebaby.html

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Letter From a Nut

While I was home this weekend, I was looking some old books and found Letters from a Nut by Ted Nancy, a real gem. The book is a collection of letters from Nancy to various companies and, on occasion, foreign kings asking zany questions. In one letter, he writes a hotel manager to ask if they had found his Prussian sword that he left in the hotel’s bathroom.

I was assigned to read this book was junior year in high school by my English teacher. Shortly after, everyone in the class had to write their own whacky letter. I chose Fred Thompson, senator and star of Law & Order. When I opened the book this weekend, I found that letter and, without any further ado, here it is.

Dear Senator Fred Thompson:

Hello, fine sir! I’d first like to say that I am a BIG Fred Thompson supporter. I think you are the best senator since Henry “The Great Negotiator” Clay. I hope that you decide to run in 2000. America could use another actor/president.

I would also like to commend you for your fine work in films such as Baby’s Day Out, one of those Die Hard movies, and The Hunt for Red October. I especially enjoyed you in Feds. I have seen that movie many times on TV and it is hysterical. You really brought a new dimension to your character. I’m hoping for a sequel!

I was wondering if you would tell me whether or not you’ll be running for the presidency. If you decide to run, could I be your running mate? I don’t know much about politics or economics, but does the vice-president really need to know any of that kind of stuff? I think not. All he has to do is nod and sometimes go to a funeral. By the way, where was Gore during Diana’s funeral? You should probably look into this.

Although I don’t know all that much about current events, I still think I would be a darn good vice-president. I could be sorta like Joe Six Pack; someone all the American people could relate to. You could say, “Look, this guy is just like you.” They’d probably buy it.

I would be a much better candidate than that crazy, admiral guy that ran with Ross Perot or Jack Kemp. (what’s with that guy’s hair?) I am also fairly confident that I could beat Al Gore in a debate. I’d just deny everything. Then I’d say, “Me and Fred,” we’d be on a first name basis “will do some pretty good stuff that will be good for the country.” Then they’d all applaud cause, hey, they love us. We are their heroes.

I’d like to close by thanking you. Thank your for reading this letter and taking the time to hear my case. I would also like to thank you for going after that no good, hillbilly Clinton. I hope that they impeach that commie. I look forward to hearing from you, Fred!

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While My Laptop Gently Weeps

Long post, but there should be something for everyone.

Blogmaverick: The most interesting aspect of these NBA Finals isn’t the phenomenal basketball that’s being played by both teams. It’s the utter insanity of Mark Cuban. In his most recent blog entry, Cuban basically talks about how much he enjoys swearing and hates the press. He also manages to swear at the press.

Flaming Pie: This past Sunday marked the 64th birthday of Paul McCartney. If this birthday is significant, it’s because of the classic McCartney tune “When I’m 64,” which is found on LSD-inspired Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club. It’s a wonderfully silly song that only Sir Paul could pull off.

Movie Notes: It’s almost July and I’ve seen three movies: Over the Hedge, the Da Vinci Code, and X-Men 3. Sadly, the best of the lot was actually Over the Hedge, which was pretty funny and kinda cute (or at least it would be cute, if I were the kind of guy who used the word ‘cute’). The Da Vinci Code was easily the worst of the bunch. It was slow and plodding and contained zero action. As for X-Men, I was wildly disappointed. The bar was set pretty high by the second installment of the series and this one just wasn’t as good.

Debauchery: I have a new favorite web site. Everyone knows athletes love to party. Now, a site memorializes some great moments in bad decision making by those athletes. The best set of pics include Steve Nash (showing off his chest hair and the other with The Dirk). Good times.

Sports Talk Watch: Talk radio is pretty awful. Yet, I listen. About a week ago (i.e. I should have mentioned this about a week ago), I was listening to Mike & the Mad Dog discuss Roger Federer’s defeat at the hands of some guy named Nadal at the French Open. Apparently, Nadal has beaten Federer a couple of times on clay surfaces. Either way, Mike and “The Dog” started talking about his this needs to become a major rivalry, but it’ll only happen if Federer publicly acknowledges that Nadal is his rival. I guess that makes sense, but then these guys started going on for about 10 minutes how Federer ABSOLUTELY MUST DO THIS SOON.

That begs the question: what kind of rivalry bequeathing ceremony do these guys have in mind? Ideally, Federer would hold a big press conference and make thinly-veiled threats against those Nadal loves. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes or so thinking of the possibilities. The best scenario that I can come up with is Federer putting a pumpkin on the table with ‘Nadal’ scribbled on it and then stabbing it with an ice pick.

Good Times: The other night I got to hang out a Bennigan’s in Jersey. There isn’t a better place in the world to drink heavily. I wasn’t able to drink because of the whole driving thing, but my partner in crime drank enough for both of us. In fact, she probably drank enough for a small, Asian family. Either way, you won’t find a better mix of delicious sandwiches (Monte Cristos), drink specials, and $6 shots of Kettle One.

Trivia: In what not-so-famous comedy did Bill Pullman say: “Stolen beers taste better.”

Don’t be hatin: I come down pretty hard on conservatives any time they cross the line in attacking the left. (See my Ann Coulter tirade.) Of course, we conservatives don’t have a monopoly on stupid and embarrassing comments. A friend of mine, who happens to be pretty liberal, recently posted on her blog some pretty foolish comments about Republicans. Here’s a taste:

All day I am worked into a blind rage and a sense of hopelessness when I hear
about all of the horrible things George Bush and other immoral Republicans like
him, have commited. [sic]

I think "My God has everyone in this country
lost all sense of what is moral and just?"

Then I turn on Comedy Central
at 11:00 and I am saved by the great and wise John [sic] Stewart...

After someone AGREES WITH HER in the comments section, she goes on to call the anonymous poster a “small-minded bigot.” Aside from calling Jon Stewart ‘wise,’ this is a pretty baffling post. Aside from not mentioning anything immoral that the President has done, she just kind of throws it out there.

I don’t really have anything specific to say about the actual post, but a question: why has politics become so polarized? Now, there are important debates that need to happen and they probably need to get a little heated. In fact, I love a knock-down-drag-out debate as much as the next guy. The problem is when it becomes an us-against-them on everything.

What I’m reading (and I’m not talking about apartment listings): Collapse by Jared Diamond.

What I’m listening to: The Beatles Anthology Part 3.

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NBA FINALS: IT'S WADE-TACULAR!

I’m not gonna lie to you. During the fourth quarter of tonight’s game three, I was flipping back and forth between the game and *GULP* National Treasure. Yep. A Nic Cage movie. With about eight minutes left in the game, I actually decided to check out IMDB.com to see where that blonde chick in the movie was from. (Troy, by the way.)

Having burnt out on National Treasure, I made the decision to watch the end of the Heat’s season. I was mostly interested in how much Pat Riley would whine. Down by 13 with a little over six minutes left, business began to pick up. Dwayne Wade proceeded to go absolutely insane for the next four minutes or so. I don’t have the specific stats, but I’m pretty sure he scored 37 points during that final stretch. (Actually, it was 15.)

Let’s just put Wade’s performance in perspective. He tied a career-high with 42 points. The last guy to score 40+ points in the NBA finals was Shaq in 2002 against Hitler’s favorite team, the New Jersey Nets. He also mixed in a career-high rebounding total with 13. It’s also significant that a large chunk of those points and a key rebound came in the fourth quarter while down huge.
At this point, I’m just rooting for a competitive series. I did pick the Mavs to win, and still think that Mavs hoist the trophy, but I’m much more interested in a fun bunch of games at this point. As an added bonus, I’m now going to watch the end of National Treasure.

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Aren't all women harpies?

Here’s a smattering from Ann Coulter for your reading pleasure. The following are quotes about four women from New Jersey who lost their husbands on September 11th who have recently come into the news for criticizing President Bush.

"And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies?”

"I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."
Needless to say, Ann Coulter is insane. What’s really amazing is that people buy into her and, even worse, find her attractive. Quick side note: I’ve seen this broad in person and she is not too easy on the eyes. There is absolutely no way she weighs more than 93lbs. Even if I were given the opportunity to nail her, I’d have to pass over concerns of getting a paper cut on my schlong.

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Curse you!

Don't have much time to post today, but I didn't want to let another day pass without posting something. I've decided that I should share an old Mexican curse:

"May your life be filled with lawyers."

For those of you who have an inkling on why I'm posting this today, say a prayer for Johnny Bear.

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Dr. E's Latest

If you're a Friar, you probably know Dr. Esolen. If you don't know the man, it is impossible for me to describe him. Either way, you should check out his latest article. As always, it's a fantastic read.

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Short Time

Every so often, a movie comes along that grabs you by your short hairs, points a finger in your face and says “I am here to change your world view.” Today, I have seen such a film. I speak, of course, of Short Time.

Wait a second. You’ve never heard of this film? How is it possible that you haven’t seen a movie starring one of the greatest actors of our time? Dabney Coleman. You know Dabney Coleman. He was in 9 to 5 and the Muppets Take Manhattan (pictured above with Carmela the Chicken). Still not ringing a bell? This makes me very mad. I’m so angry about all of this that I may have to fight you.

As enraged as I am, I still have to tell you about this film. The plot is so subtle and nuanced that I am going to have to choose my words carefully. Coleman plays a cop (named Burt Simpson – really) who is just two weeks from retirement when he learns that, uh oh, he’s going to die within a few days. The good news is that he has a pension. The bad news is that his ex-wife and son won’t see a dime of it unless he gets killed in the line of duty. The rest of the movie follows the adventures of Burt Simpson as he tries to get himself killed.

I don’t want to say anymore, lest I ruin the experience for you. I do want to share one more nugget of fantasmic dominance with you. In the midst of a car chase, Burt Simpson is trying to incite a criminal into shooting him and, as the bad guy starts firing, Simpson shouts to no one in particular:

“This is for you, Dougie. You will go to college.”

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Why would someone come here?

Just for giggles, here are some of the Google searches that have brought folks to our little spot on the web.

* “drunks against mad mothers t-shirt”
* “diana taurasi skank”
* “lindsay lohan pitchers nipples”
* “write an article to your magazine stating the advantages”
* “andy sandberg pancake pizza commercial”
* ‘lindsay lohan rebuttal to Brandon davis”
* “significant, interesting, and unique things about germany”
* “if you are a racist, I will attack you with the north”
* “marc bulger girlfriend”
* “indifferent esolen”

My personal favorite: “I am currently infatuated with a physics geek arda”

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Congrats

Some say it would never happen. Others would say that the attempt was 'suicidal' and 'sure to drive him insane.' Somehow, someway, TPB's own Cannon has successfully completed law school. He graduated yesterday from Villanova's School of Law.

Congrats to him, his lady friend, and his family.

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GOOD GOD! That’s The Iconoclast’s music!

Well, I’m back. Exams have left me a battered and broken man, but I have returned. And this time, I’ve brought even more opinions with me.

I decided that, in lieu of a Derek-Jeter-is-not-a-great-player diatribe, that I’d throw together a 10 Ten Greatest Wrestlers of All Time List. By all time, I’m naturally referring to the span of 20 years or so that I’ve followed wrestling. Much like Fergie, I’m ready to get this started (and possibly retarded).

Ric Flair – WHOOOOO! I absolutely love this guy. As head of the Four Horsemen, he delivered many a merciless beatdown to the likes of Sting, Lex Luger, and David Flair (his son). My favorite Flair angle has to be when he released pictures of himself spending “some quality time” by the pool with Randy Savage’s wife. The highlight of my life was meeting The Nature Boy AND Randy Savage by the Beach and Yacht Club’s pool in Disney with my dad. Not understanding that he was just in the presence of greatness, my dad only remarked that he looked “somewhat effeminate” in person.

Roddy Piper – Roddy Piper was always a very intense guy. A typical Piper rant would go something like this: “Bret Hart. I remember when you was young and were about knee-high to a grasshopper. You were so cute and I remember that everyday I’d take you down into your dad’s dungeon and beat the ever-living tar out of you.” I’m not sure what’s worse: that someone actually said that or that I remember it from 14 years ago? (Wrestlemania VIII, btw.)

The Undertaker – Now this guy was super-badass. He showed up at the Survivor Series in 1990 and proceeded to eat Dusty Rhodes’ soul. It’s been all magic ever sine. A favorite storyline of his is when he died circa 1994 and ascended into the heaven, which was located somewhere in the rafters of the Providence Civic Center. Thankfully, he was resurrected a few months later (just in time for SummerSlam) and defeated himself to assert his own self-dominance or whatever.

Randy Savage – Whether it was sneak-attacking an Elvis impersonator, pimping Slim Jims (SNAP INTO IT), or getting taken apart by Peter Parker in Spiderman, no one was more consistently wily than the Macho Man. He had wild eyes and a magnificent beard. It kind of makes me sad to think of how far his career could have gone had his lady, Miss Elizabeth, not allowed herself to get repeatedly captured by the Honky Tonk Man and the Million Dollar Man. I’m also pretty sure that he was the first person I ever heard say ‘SON OF A BITCH.’

Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love – I don’t have the words to express how much I loved this guy. He’s best known for taking a fantastic amount of pain in the ring, but he’s also an accomplished author. His fall through a steel cage in 1998 prompted Jim Ross to utter these immortal words: “That’s it. He’s dead.”

Hulk Hogan – For all you Iconomaniacs out there, I need you to listen to me, brutha. I hate this guy.

Shawn Michaels – Gotta love the Heartbreak Kid. I’ve never fully recovered from his treacherous attack on Marty Jannetty in 92 and threw Jannetty threw a barber shop window. Around 94 or so, he was also in the WWF’s first ladder match with Razor Ramon (one of my favorite xenophobia-inspired superstars).

Bret Hart – This guy was really proud to be Canadian. He loved Canada so much that he hated America. This guy was also really old school and hated the entertainment aspect of wrestling. This is why he probably spent the latter half of his career trying to sabotage Shawn Michaels. I did love this guy though. For years, I thought I was a really cool dude with my Bret Hart hot pink wraparounds. On a related note, I was also single during this period.

The Ultimate Warrior – Okay. He had absolutely no talent and was jacked up on more juice than Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire combined, but I will tell you that he had the coolest entrance of all time. There’d be this loud rock playing over the PA and he’d come running down the aisle at an estimated 87mph. He also had this weird thing where he’d employ the aid of his warrior gods during each match. He was a true legend.

Steve Austin – This guy was a beer-drinking, redneck. He also swore a lot. It goes without saying that I absolutely loved this guy.

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Random Linkage - Live Mario

From the file of random videos and other stuff:

Live Mario - Some people at Gordon College did an awesome job with this. Have I ever mentioned I'm a video game fan?

Now There's Two of Him - Those of you who have wondered what President Bush actually thinks can now find out, as he and an impersonator speak at the recent White House Correspondents Dinner.

David Copperfield's Twin - I think the title speaks for itself.

World War II R0X0RS! - Those of you who have played real time strategy games may appreciate this. Those who haven't may also appreciate it. (Warning: Language may not be suitable for those who can't handle alternate spellings of swears)

This Be How We Smrt Peeps Think - How do Americans really see the world? Come find out from this map.

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Character Counts

Outside of the entire steroid scandal, and tainting of all records over the last 7 years, no one likes Barry Bonds because he's a Jackass. He's constantly disgruntled with the media, too busy for any potential fans, and has a long track record of disparaging teammates and other players. Add this sparkling personality into someone who has cheated the record books and you've got Barry.

I'm of the ilk his, and all steroid records, shouldn't count and that he shouldn't be admitted to the hall. In my mind if the greatest hitter the game has ever seen can be bared from the hall for off field betting, a guy who cheated On The Field, ought to be barred as well. However, that sparks a much larger argument then the point I'm trying to make. Bonds is a Jackass and if I was pitching against him I would aim squarely for that ailing right knee on every pitch. Case in point, here's a brief description of what transpired last night after Bonds' press conference.

"On his way out of the press room he encountered Carlos Oliveras, the proud owner of home run ball No. 713. Oliveras, a 25-year-old Puerto Rico native, is serving at McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey. He nabbed the Bonds ball after it ricocheted off the McDonalds sign, and held it between his legs until the frenzy abated. Oliveras asked Bonds to autograph the baseball. Bonds declined, but consented to a photograph."

Thanks so much Barry for allowing the Puerto Rican serviceman to grace a photograph with you, sorry the autograph was too much trouble, well it was either that or the serviceman wouldn't cough up 500 bucks to sign the ball (or whatever bonds is charging now adays). So here's a big "suck it" right back at you Bonds, hopefully your millions can cure the arthritus in your knee, and the lonely hole in your heart.

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Boys Club

A SALUTE!

And fond goodbye to Hootie Johnson who has decided to retire at age 75. If you don't know Hootie, he was the chairman of Augusta National Golf Club Georgia and The Masters. Hootie will forever be remembered as the man who successfully faught off an attempt by Martha Burk who wanted Augusta to admit female members. Hootie was successfully able to keep something sacred in a world of continuing degredation. A world where everything is integrated and everybody has a chance, there remains somthing that says "No we're men only, go knit". Now before anyone jumps off a ledge at my comments I'm the biggest democrat and equal rights advocate you'll find anywhere near this blog. That said, letting women into The Masters is like letting little boys join The Girl Scouts of America, it just doesn't make any sense. There are thousands of private country clubs within the U.S. that all allow female members, so here's to Augusta, holding back something that even a place called the Citadel could not. The following picture was taken at Martha Burk's rally pay special attention to the orange sign.

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Jeter: Overrated

One of my favorite sites to check out everyday is popandsports.com. One of their most recent entries deals with Derek “The Captain” Jeter. Apparently, someone on the planet claimed that he was overrated and the blog’s authors don’t like it.

Now, I hate Derek Jeter. You all know this. So, I must comment. Just for giggles let’s compare his numbers with Michal “The Unheralded” Young of the Texas Rangers. Both play short and both are about the same age. Over the last three seasons, here’s how these guys stack up in terms of OPS:

The Captain

2005 – .839
2004 – .823
2003 – .843

The Unheralded

2005 – .898
2004 – .836
2003 – .785

Both are pretty good. As of late, you have to give an advantage to Michael Young. Now, here’s some even more impressive numbers:

The Captain’s Salary – $20,000,000
Unheralded’s Salary – $3,075,000

I’m no stat geek or anything. But one of those numbers is exceptionally higher than the other. With the amount of money that you save with Young, King George would be able to overpay Jaret Wright, Kyle Farnsworth, AND Ron Villone. This may look real bleak for the Captain, but fret not Yankee Fan. The Captain does blow Young away in several statistical categories.

The Captain

GFP (Gratuitous Fist Pumps) – 947.5
UDIS (Unnecessary Dives Into the Stands) – 37
TANG (Intangibles) – 453.68

The Unheralded

GFP – 13
UDIS – 0
TANG – 107

Obviously, these stats show a huge advantage for Derelique. Out of a possible score of 453.72, Jeter has a magnificent 453.68 (second only to David Eckstein and Scott Podsednik). Michael Young falls woefully short in this column with a below-league average 107 (comparables include David Wells, Chistian Guzman, and Nick Punto).

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Sports Mount Rushmore

While watching Mike & Mike in the morning, on ESPN 2 yesterday they had an interesting segment. Who would be your sports Mount Rushmore, meaning from the 4 major sports, Football, Baseball, Hockey, and Basketball. Who would you classify as the four ultimate Icon or greatest players/figures from their respective sport. A fairly interesting thought so why not throw it out there. Also bonus points will be awarded for lack of homers. Lets start with the easy one: Baseball, Babe Ruth Your answer here has to be Babe Ruth, a man that not only transcended the game, but time which I feel is an even harder accomplishment. Not to mention he's second all time in home runs and won 94 games over his career as a starting pitcher, including one 24 win season. NO ONE will Ever be able to lay claim to the body of work that Babe does. A not so distant second would have to be Jackie revision however when you compare what they did as players your still left with Ruth. Next topic A less easy choice but still obvious: Hockey, Gordie Howe This guy played from 1945 until 1980, are you kidding me? It's a toss up here for me between him and Gretzky but I'll give the nod to the man who played for 35 years. Now the waters get muddy: Basketball, Michael Jordan Basketball has had so many changes in the game since it's inception. It is a far cry from it's beginnings in almost every aspect of the game. If I were to pick who I felt made the biggest change in the game I would say Wilt, but if I'm going one name, one face from the sport, it may be a reflection of my generation but I have to say Jordan. The definition of a great player is within their ability to make others around them better. Jordan was the best at this, with Jordan Tony Kukoc was able to score 20 a game, this player averaged about 5 per game playing with A.I who I feel is a top 50 player, but it is a small example that shows exactly who the king was and is. The best for last: Football, Jerry RIce Football is the hardest due to the nature of the game. It is truly a unit of 11 men who when moving correctly all together are successful. However the point of the game is to score touchdowns Jerry RIce scored more touchdowns than any other player to ever step on the field. He was able to dominate like no other at his position or any other position for that matter. He transcended the game by making a type of offense successful that is seen across the league now. This is the sport where I expect to see the largest spread, but how do you separate Joe Montana from Johnny Unitas, Jim Brown from Barry sanders, Lawrence Taylor from Reggie White. I do it by realizing none of them scored more touchdowns than Jerry.

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Vince Mcmahon vs. Jerry Jones

From the desk of The Ultimate Weapon:

In an effort to step up while the big boys are working hard on their finals, I pose this question: is it possible Vince McMahon and Jerry Jones were separated at birth? I was well entrenched in my draft coverage this weekend when late Sunday afternoon Jerry Jones pops on the screen in an interview with Ed Werder. And in that interview it struck me that Jerry had definitely been hitting the weight room (maybe the juice bar?). Much like McMahon later in his life who has been seen in the ring over the course of the last 10 years. So we have two extremely eccentric rich franchise owners, who have flaming grey hair, and apparently like to hit the juice.

Separated at birth, you decide...

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The Day the Red Sox Locked Up the Division

The Red Sox have reacquired, through a trade, Doug Mirabelli. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Who will the Sox acquire next? Could Lou Merloni be on the horizon? How about Brandon Lyon and David McCarty? Dare I say, Cesar Crespo?

In all seriousness news, this is great for the team. Here are some interesting points on this earth-shattering bit of news:

1. Doug Fatandsmelly can catch a knuckleball. This may not sound like a big deal. But on my car ride home the other night, Josh Bard had FOUR PASSED BALLS. The prospect of having to catch Wakefield was so demoralizing that it actually forced John Flaherty into retirement (that or not being very good at baseball).
2. Doug does not wear batting gloves. Two years ago this would have meant nothing to me. Unfortunately, through Moises Alou and Jorge "Metrosexual Pinocchio" Posada, we've learned that players who don't wear batting gloves toughen up their hands by urinating on them (to avoid blisters). As if you didn't have enough reasons before to not want to touch Dougie before.
3. He's very fat and so am I.
4. He's a pretty ridiculous guy. My favorite Mirabelli moment was during a game up in Toronto at night, he had on his eye-black and and shin guards...for a game that he wasn't starting. That's right. Eye-black at night in a dome.

Welcome back.

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Who wouldn't want to draft a guy named 'Frostee'?

So I’ve been buried with school work for the last two weeks and I haven’t been able to post. The good news is that after May 8th, I’ll be a free man and I can get back to mocking Derek and The Phanatic, letting y’all know about absurd holidays, and pictures of bears attacking people.

As for right now, in honor of the NFL draft, I thought I’d put up my favorite names of some of the gentlemen drafted. Just for fun, seven of the names are not from the draft. Post a comment and guess which ones they are. [The picture in this post is a BIG HINT.]

Jeremy Trueblood
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Stephen Gostkowsky
Dutch Lombrowsky
Winston Justice
Peter Sarsgaard
Frostee Rucker
Garth Holliday
Joe Toledo
John McCargo
Joseph Klopfenstein
Quinn Sypniewski
Gauvin Manluvr-Lidledik
Broderick Bunkley
Champ Kind
Roman Harper
Nick Mangold
Wes Mantooth
D’Qwell Jackson
Moon Unit Zappa
Laurence Maroney
Jonathan Joseph
Elvis Dumervil

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National High Five Day

I love stupid fake holidays. I love high fives. I love National High Five Day. Here's some great high fives and respek knuckles shots.

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NBA Owners Do the Darnedest Things

If you went to Sixers Fan Appreciation Night this past week, you would have been treated to a starting line-up consisting of Stephen Hunter, Samuel Dalembert, Andre Iguodala, Kevin Ollie, and Willie Green. If you showed up wanting to Allen Iverson (in his last game as Sixer most likely) or Chris Webber (who wants to see C-Webb?), you must have been pretty disappointed. There are a thousand reasons to be upset with the management of the Sixers. In the case of Samuel Dalembert, there are 62 MILLION reasons to be disappointed with the franchise. This takes things to new heights.

This shafting in Philly is a stark contrast to what happened last night in Dallas at the Mavericks Fan Appreciation Night. Mavs owner Mark Cuban gave everyone who attended the game a voucher for A FREE FLIGHT from American Airlines. Yowsers. As someone who’s been to a lot of sporting events lately, I’ve unfortunately become desensitized to the reality of $6 beers, $5 pretzels, and every other overpriced item that’s sold in stadiums throughout the land.

I salute Cuban for getting it. It’s good to see an owner who smart enough to realize that the best way to keep fans coming is to put out a great product and, on occasion, sweeten the pot for fans who do show up.

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Ferocity: It's Sweeping the Nation!

One of my favorite things is this galaxy and all others is semi-arbitrary rankings. So this site is like candy for me. This guy basically ranked each major city by the ferocity of their team’s nicknames. I’m proud to announce that Boston has an average fearsomeness score of 1 (the site explains further). Just for perspective, New York got a 1.5 and Philly got a .3.

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Take back the night...from ninjas.

Well, it’s been a solid two days since I’ve made a ninja reference, so I’m due. Apparently some college sophomore was returning from a Ninja v. Pirate party and encountered, of course, several ATF agents. Now, it’s important to note here that he did the opposite of what a true ninja would: he ran away. If there’s one rule that they follow over at the ATF, it’s that anytime a guy in a ninja outfit runs away from you, he’s almost certainly a terrorist. At this point, the agents introduced this guy’s grill to the asphalt with a knee. A poster on the site's discussion board somes it up best:

Ninjas are essential for the health of humanity. ATF needs to get a clue...because Chuck Norris could be lurking to bring down the government with a series of roundhouse kicks.
Geoff Sandels
Mortgage Banker
Atlanta

Read the whole story here.

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Death to King George!

The Yankees are dead in the water. Their record is a paltry 3-4. Now, that’s not going to hold up, but I absolutely love the thought of them not making the play-offs. Towards that end, here's a little bit of analysis from the folks over at Sportszilla.

Go Sawx!

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VORP YOU!

For giggles, I decided that I’d throw out the 2005 VORP stat for the Red Sox and Yanks. Most of you have lives and don’t know what VORP means. It’s short for Value Over Replacement Player. Basically, it’s a measure of how much more (or less) a specific player gives at a position over what a marginal player (i.e. minor leaguer or veteran scrub) would.

RED SOX

1B: Kevin Youkilis – NA
2B: Mark Loretta – 16.6
3B: Mike Lowell – 2.5
SS: Alex Gonzalez – 14.4
C: Jason Varitek – 45.6
LF: Manny Ramirez – 68.6
CF: Coco Crisp – 39.3
RF: Trot Nixon – 21.6
DH: David Ortiz – 85.8

YANKEES

1B: Jason Giambi – 58.4
2B: Robinson Cano – 27.5
3B: Alex Rodriguez – 99.7 (Yikes)
SS: Derek Jeter – 66.3
C: Jorge Posada – 32.6
LF: Hideki Molesuey – 53.0
CF: Johnny Damon – 49.2
RF: Gary Sheffield – 56.5
DH: Bernie Williams – 7.3

Thanks to the Baseball Prospectus for these numbers.

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NEWS FLASH: Bunny takes over entire town.

"It is a massive thing. It is a monster. The first time I saw it, I said: 'What the hell is that?'"

He's not talking about Barry Bonds, my darlings. He's talking about this bunny. If you've read this blog for any amount of time you know that I absolutely love any story about "funny" animals, like bears, penguins, ninjas, and bunnies. This is the best story since that mom fought off a polar bear.

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Thoughts from the Weekend

Cards-Phils: I got out to my first baseball game on Thursday night. The Phillies lost, but I eat about $47.69 of food and got a free blanket for signing up for a credit card that I’ll never use. The highlight was getting reacquainted with the joy of an ice cream sundae that comes in a miniature, baseball cap. There are few pleasures in this world as satisfying as eating ice cream out of a plastic hat. By my count, I’ll be visiting a minimum of six ball parks this year and you can count on me getting a mini-ball cap sundae at each of them.

Celtics-Sixers Game: So I found myself very bored on Friday night after a long day of studying and decided that I’d go and watch my beloved C’s play the Sixers. It was a great back-and-forth game, which the Green eventually won. What really struck me about the whole experience was the amount of crap that was played over the speaker during the game. There was little something always going on and I mean this is the worst way possible. They even have this stupid chime for every time that someone made a free-throw. The only bit of noise that was entertaining was a dance-off between a bunch of fat guys and some lady-dancers.

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Be a Philadelphia Phan for a Day

My goal this summer is to go to as many baseball games as I can afford. My first one is today. I’ll be watching the Phillies square off against the Cardinals. I’m not a diehard fan of either team, but I will be rooting for the Phillies. I guess that makes me a Philly fan for a day and I thought that it would be fun to share what goes into to being one.

Have lots of “passion”: Philly fans love to talk about their passion for their sports teams. They really love their teams. Not love in the sense that most people think of it, but love in the way that Orenthal loved his ex-wife and waiters.

Set Wildly High Expectations: This is very important. We’ve already established that they love their teams, it now becomes essential that you put all your hopes and dreams into their success. What’s success? A championship. If your son didn’t bring home straight A+’s and date the most attractive and popular girl in his class, you’d be pissed. You’d be so pissed that you’d probably...

Boo lustily: I once saw an ESPN documentary on the “love” of Philly fans that summed up their mentality pretty well: “A true Philadelphia fan learns how to boo before he learns how to walk.” Remember that you love your team so much that you’re unwilling to accept failure in any form. You need to convey to the players how much you love them. The boo is the best way to do that.

Harass other fans: I’ve made the mistake of wearing my Tedy Bruschi jersey out in public down here. I once went down a football tailgate before an Eagles game and wore my beloved #54. Before I even got out of the car I started getting yelled out. Let’s just say that the jersey came off. Here’s something else important: when you spot a fan of another team, you must start an Eagles chant. Even if you’re at a baseball game.

Know the Eagles Cheer: Yes, they have a cheer. It’s real simple. (Unless you’re drunk.)

E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES!

That’s it.

There is no middle ground: If you’re a fan in Philadelphia, you’re a religious zealot. What this should tell you is that there is no gray area. Either one of the four teams will lead you to the salvation that will come with a championship or not. There is no enjoyment in the ride.

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Links: Jesus is a smart dude

D-Lo’s Bad Day – My most cherished moments as a Red Sox fan was Derek Lowe’s performance in Game Four of the 2004 ALCS. It was masterful mix of hope overcoming despair and triumph in the face of defeat. Unfortunately, things have not been so good for him as of late. He got shellacked on Monday by the Braves and his wife is leaving him. Even worse, his divorce papers have seeped onto the internet. To top it all off, in news that surprises no one, he has a significant drinking problem. I hope that he’s able to get his life straightened out.

BREAKING NEWS: JESUS HATES THE YANKEES! – I know it’s true. I read it on a t-shirt.

Know your civil rights! – Apparently, Thursday is Whacky T-Shirt Day. It's absolutely essential that you click this link.

Baby Shower Erupts into Chow-Yun Fat Movie – When baby showers go bad.

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Cut down the (fish)nets!

After an exhilarating few weeks, this tournament has come to its end. The final game could not have proved to be more exciting. We’re all aware that there is a certain magic to a 5-12 match-up. Every year, there seems to be one 12 upset a 5. The question now becomes: will Sandra Bullock, the 12-seed, be able to stage one final upset against the Curl Girls, the 5 seed? And the final score is...

US Curling Team 67
Sandra Bullock 64

I’m sure that Bullock is beyond inconsolable at this very moment. Now, it is time for our final haiku.

Curl girls, the Victors.
Five Cinderellas on ice.
Who needs the gold?

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Baseball Stats: It's Abacus Time!

One of the best parts of the baseball season is the stats. Fans and writers are obsessed over them. At the beginning of the year, fans struggle internally over whose stats warrant them being drafted on their fantasy team. By fall, the “who is the MVP?” debate is peppered with numbers. This stat fetish is somewhat unique to baseball. There are hints of it in football, but it’s not given the same slavish devotion. Over the course of the coming months, some “thoughtful” color guy will solemnly inform us that Alex Rodriguez is hitting .389 against left-handed managers on Tuesdays in Yankee Stadium and that those numbers put him “near the top of the league” in that category. God bless baseball.

In this spirit, I thought I’d point you towards this excellent piece on statistical analysis that’s on ESPN’s Page 2.

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The More You Know

Remember those PSAs that they used to play on NBC during Saved By The Bell? Well, they're back. Sort of. Instead of Mario Lopez warning you about the dangers of eating paint chips, there's the Temp from The Office cautioning us about the dangers of $9 beer. Trust me. Just check it out.

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Sox v. Yankees: Special Aluminum Edition

When The Octogon started this project, I had no idea how it would turn out. If I were assigned to the task, I would have spent about an hour on it and spent a lot more time making “Randy Johnson was the catcher for his high school’s dart team” jokes. Oc did a fantastic job and I wanted to bring all this together for posterity. There have been only minor changes to the original text. I tinkered with the formatting some, but that’s about it.

This is a wonderful analysis and is a great way to psyched for the start of the season. Enjoy! [This is an expandable post. Actually, expandable doesn’t do justice to the breadth of this work. It’s big and it’s sexy. For the love of God, just click “Read More.”]

To break down effectively how one team will fare against the other we need to take it player-by-player and position-by-position. You need to evaluate the teams on distinct categories: 1. Defense by position;2. Offense by batting order;3. Starting Rotation;4. Closers
You also need something far more advanced by giving the "edge" to one team over another. That is where the TANC comes into play.
TANC is the Totally Arbitrary Numerical Comparison. Each match up will receive a score from 0-3, giving one team the edge over another. 0 is a wash; both players at that position are equally good or bad. 3 is the mother of all mismatches; one player has a clear advantage and the other leaves his time with a tremendous void at that position. The team with the most TANCs by the end of the comparison should be deemed the better team.

DEFENSE

CATCHER: Jason Varitek v. Jorge Posada Both of these guys continue to be the premier catchers in the American League. Posada and Tek both have decent arms, but are also a bit slow to second base. Posada goes through bouts where everyone steals on him and so does Varitek. In all fairness, neither catcher is given any help by their pitching staffs who are equally inept at holding runners on. Posada has been prone to have problems with passed balls, and has tiffs with Randy Johnson over pitch selection. Varitek, The Captain, is widely considered one of the best game callers in the game and has been known to call his own game from beginning to end. The game calling aspect has to favor Tek here. Red Sox +1 1B: Jason Giambi/Andy Phillips v. Kevin Youkilis/J.T. Snow Giambi is dreadful at first. Phillips is an unknown quality at first, but reports show nothing spectacular here average is the word of the day. Youkilis is another unknown and we can assume he will be better than Giambi and not quite as good as Phillips. Snow however, is one of the best defense 1Bs EVER, better than Malaphabet, better than OlderDude, better than the Bamtino. He is the best of his generation. However, he may not see the field much due to a less-than-adequate bat. Late innings and tough righties may prove to be Snow's chance to shine, and give the Sox a slight edge. Red Sox +1 2B: Robinson Cano v. Mark Loretta 2B is always a little difficult to break down. Cano made some rookie mistakes, mainly mental, but appears adequate. Loretta is a very capable 2B who will man the position well. Neither one will win you a gold glove nor will they cost you a game, like our old friend, Chuck Knoblach.
No AdvantageSS: Derelique Jeter v. Alex Gonzalez Some pretty reputable baseball people seem to think that Jeter could be the worst gold glove shortstop ever. His rankings are near the bottom of the AL for defensive efficiency. The book Mind Game (written by the good folks over at the Baseball Prospectus) uses statistical analysis to argue that Jeter is the worst defensive shortstop to ever play as long as Jeter has. Wow. Gonzalez is average. He had 16 errors last year, which would be a major improvement over Rent-a-wreck. Let’s give the daisy his due. Jeter does not make a lot of costly errors and his range is helped by having the best shortstop in baseball playing third. He is also lethal at tracking down pop-ups in the outfield. Gonzalez will not make you forget the wonder that was Cabrera, but he will suffice. I just can't give DJ this one though.
No advantage3B: Alex “Blue Lips” Rodriguez v. Mike Lowell Tough decisions here. Lowell is a gold glove 3rd baseman and one of the best in baseball. I do, however, have to give Mrs. Jeter some props. He did a great job over there last year. Both are excellent, but Lowell may be slightly better. Not enough to earn a TANC, though. No advantageLF: Hideki Matsui v. Man-Ram
Both are below average. Manny can turn in some of the best and worst plays out in LF. Matsui is adequate at best, but does make some pretty heinous plays out there as well. Still, Manny costs the Red Sox a game or two a year with his loafing and brain cramps. Matsui has a poor arm and so does Manny. Manny gets aided by the wall at Fenway. Matsui also charges the ball very well to get his assists. So I have to give Matsui gets a TANC here, though not by much.New York +1CF: Johnny Damon v. Coco CrispI will not call Damon a traitor, not even once. I am reserving the right to criticize, however, where he is deficient. Crisp is a younger version of Johnny Damon. See the Caveman’s days with Royals for a mirror image. CF has long been a position where you can put a weak arm. Johnny Damon is renowned for having the worst arm in the majors now that Bernie Williams won't be seen very much. Crisp is adequate with the gun, but has more than enough to be considered better than Damon. Speed is key when covering ground at both ball parks. Both have it. Both are good. Damon is older, but still has the capacity and the speed to make solid plays on those tough balls going back to the wall. Crisp is much the same. Not enough here to get horny about.No advantageRF: Gary Sheffield v. Trot NixonSheffield has a great arm. The best of all six outfielders in this exercise. Nixon has the second best, but it’s a distant second. Nixon, however, will make plays through shear guts and determination that Sheffield can only look at and wonder why he roided up for all those years and has lost the ability to leap, dive and raise an arm above shoulder level to catch a ball. Ok, so right fielders need a cannon from right field, and I can't ignore that importance. Reluctanly, I will give Shef the slight edge here.

Yankees +1
Total TANCs Each:
Red Sox +2
Yankees +2

OFFENSE (BY BATTING ORDER)
We all know that chicks dig the long ball, so on we go to offense. I’m going to be breaking this one down by projected lineup. As fascinating as a defensive breakdown of two relatively mediocre defensive teams is, it will ultimately be the offenses that will garner the most debate and anger amongst readers.

LEADOFF: Johnny Damon v. Coco Crisp This one is really tough, and the fact that it is so tough should lend itself to neither a huge advantage either way. Damon is one of the best leadoff man in baseball, if not the best. He’s sustained an excellent level of play over several years with the Bo-Sox and is a proven big game player who also has some pop in his bat. His on-base percentage (OBP) is average for a lead-off hitter and certainly nothing to write home about. His splits are .316/.366/.439. The stats are very good, not Hall of Fame good, but very good nonetheless. Damon is also 6 years or so older than Crisp. It’s also important to keep in mind that Johnny is peaking now or, more likely, is just past his prime. Crisp on the other hand has raw talent that is still being developed and clearly has the potential to be Johnny Damon. Their stats will cross as one is on the way up and another on the way down. Here’s Crisp’s splits from last year: .300/.345/.465. Put bluntly, Crisp is NOT as good a lead off sort as Damon. He’s been playing in the league since 2000, which would indicate that the SLG number will increase (power develops later for MLB players). His OBP is a problem though. A leadoff guy should get you that magical .380 or so OBP. Neither does, but clearly plate discipline favors Damon with 53 walks as compared to Coco’s 44. Pitches seen per plate appearance does favor Damon as well. Stats don't lie though. Difference this year minimal. Yankees +1 2-Hole: Jeter v. Loretta Tough here to use 05 stats, both are vets (Loretta was hurt last year.) Both have middle infielder power (edge Jeter) and hit for .300+ (edge Jeter) and have decent OBP (edge Jeter). Jeter’s splits are .316/.386/.461 and Loretta’s are .301/.365/.408.

Let the record show, I hate Jeter. He is as overrated a player as you are ever likely to see. Don't bring up the whole diving into the stands thing either. It was beyond what the Yankees needed and needlessly risky. I hate clutch too. I really hate clutch. But, since I will use it later with Big Papi, I will grant Jeter, begrudgingly, that he is clutch and that he is the best in the business at taking the ball the other way. [insert homosexual innuendo here]Yankees +2 3-Hole: A-Rod v. Ortiz (Yes, I know it could be Manny here to0) This one can be debated on such a serious level and with such fervor for each side that I will simply say this: ARod is proven an MVP last year with great numbers Ortiz, however, should have been the MVP last year with his great numbers. He should also be given bonus points for not having 15% of his RBIs coming against Bartolo Colon in one night in early May. Lets save this debate for another blog shall we, and say its a coin flip. I will say this. ARod strikes less fear into me than Sheffield for some reason. I also know Yankees fans in a sobering moment are always scared of Ortiz.

But wait you have Austin Powers coming out of the bullpen! Mismatch Ortiz. [Editor’s note: I’ve reread this line about 50 times and I have no earthly idea what it means. It’s probably important and/or very funny, so it stays.]No advantageClean-up: Sheff v. Man-Ram I like Shef in spite of his demeanor, backne, and roid-rage induced stupors into the stands at Fenway. He is a great offenseive force. He is also 40. Lets look at the numbers though to see if there is an edge. Manny’s career splits are .314/.409/.599. By the way the .599 is staggering. 500 is HOF worthy consideration for a career. Shef’s career splits are .297/.399/.527. Excellent numbers, but not as good as Man-Ram. Also consider the fact that Manny is not nearly as aged and that Shef had been in the Bigs since the Reagan administration. Edge has to go to Manny here, although not a big one. Red Sox: +1 5-Hole: Mole-sui v. Varitek Matsui is 3 years in, has 100 RBI three straight years and is a .300 hitter. As a leftie, he hits southpaws at .354??? That is beyond ridiculously good. The flip side of the coin is that Hideki should have driven in 100 runs with all the people in front of him and that anything less would have qualified him as a AAA caliber player. In other words he benefits from the great lineup.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m with Oc on despising the RBI stat. It’s the product of luck. RBIs are for girls. Men prefer OBP.]
I can sit here and praise Varitek's intangibles all day, much like a Yankee fan can with Jeter. Lets look at the facts. Varitek is a streaky hitter, who in 2004 went the entire regular season without a hit at Yankee Stadium. You don’t have to be Bill James to know that that isn’t good. (Of course he went on to hit a HR off Tanyon "Devil Ray" Sturtze in Game 1 of the ALCS, but that’s not really important.) He also breaks down in Sept. due to the enormous strains of playing catcher and calling a game, which he puts tremendous pride in. So let’s take a look at the career splits and assume that they will perform as they have in the past. Matusi: .297/.370/.484. Varitek: .272/.350/.456.
About 20-25 points in all three splits. So what does that mean? Average is a poor indicator. One hit every two weeks is the difference between a .270 and .300 hitter. But the OBP and power numbers favor Matsui. But how much? My feeling is that it’s enough to give the edge to Matsui.Keep in mind also that Varitek will play 80-85% of his team's games, while Matsui is good for 162. One could argue that the Yankees get even a bigger boost, because whoever backs up Tek will no doubt make Sox fans cry at the plate, but not enough to give the Yanks that 2 point advantage in my mind.
Yankees: +1 6-Hole: Posada v. Nixon Nixon is at a distinct disadvantage here because he is anemic versus left-handed pitching, but since Wily Mo will be adequate in his time out there figure it won’t be a significant drop-off. So obvioiusly in about 10-15% of the games Posada will have a +2 edge, So can Nixon Balance out at all this advantage. Let's go to the tale of the tape which I love using. By the way, you can argue the point that I should be using Home Runs, RBIs, Runs etc, and make good arguments, but I just love these splits. They take into account so much and offer such a tidy comparison without bringing in things like (when did he hit the Home Runs, what do RBIs mean and so forth) For those who have read this and don't know the splits are: Avg/OBP/Slugging. Take the last two and you have to oh so sexy OPS (Peter Gammons just got a hard on) Anyway, so here is how they look. Nixon .279/.366/.489. Posada .269/.375/.469. Scary similar. So, we assume that they are a 0, but Nixon plays only 85% of his teams games. Ok, but so does Posada (because he is a catcher.) Who is backing up Gerogie this year? Kelly Skinnet most likely, who had a bunch of MLB experience but nothing more than average stats. Its a wash friends. No advantage 7-hole: Mike Lowell v. Jason Giambi You can again argue where these people are going to be in the lineup, but this is fairly accurate none-the-less. Will the real Jason Giambi please remove himself from his steriod induce haze and please stand up? For kicks, look at the Giam-bino last year.His April and May were awful. Who knows why? But he was walking a lot his OBP last year was .440 (despite his early struggles), his SLG was .535 last year, over .900 is July (Amazing). In April and May it was below .350 (that’s Tony Womack Bad). In the end, he had a great year. His splits were .271/.440/.535. I think it is fair to extrapolate those numbers for 2006. He is not the same guy as the MVP seasons in Oakland, for a lot of reasons, so to use his career stats in this case may be misleading. I, however, am not ready to give up on Mike Lowell and call his last season the norm. I think it would be fair to take his baseball card numbers and assume that will be a nice approximation for his 2006 season. For every 10 people who say Lowell is done offensively there are 10 who predict a rebound. Lowell’s careers numbers are .272/.339/.461. Last year he put up .236/.298/.360. Yikes! This is a significant advantage to Giambi, but since Lowell is a proven vet you can't say that this is the worst mismatch in the rivalries history. Yankees: +2 8-hole: Bernie v. YoukMan alive, thorough the stats out here. Bernie is a shell of his former self and Youkillis does not have the ABs to get an accurate read, so my splits here prove useless. Bernie will clearly not be the Bernie of old, and Youk won't be the Bernie of old either. You will get a great OBP with Youk (picture Bellhorn without the Ks and with more pop in the bat). But it's his first full year in the bigs, so there will be growing pains to say the least. With Bernie, there will be pains. Bad knees and slowing bat speed indicate that the guy is long past his prime. I think he will give the Yanks .270/.340/.440, which is pretty admirable for a guy collecting AARP benefits. Youk can match those numbers on the OBP side and the Slugging side. He may fall short in average, however. Finally, I think that Bernie should still be feared in big spots. He is seasoned and will not cripple under the pressure. I recall an AB in late September of 04 with Kevin Youkilis in the Top 9 of a tie game with Mo on the mound. It wound up being a terrible at bat and one of the worst you'll see. Let’s just say that I’m a little nervous.For those interested, it’s the game where Cabrera got a game tying hit and Damon dropped one in front of the immortal Kenny Lofton prompting Rivera to scream “CATCH THE BALL!”Anyway, this will be a learning curve type season for the Greek God of Walks. Gotta go...Yankees +1 9. Cano v Alex Gonzalez Obviously we can't use career numbers for Cano. But here are Gonzalez’s career splits .241/.291/.391.
Typicaly middle infielder power numbers, and we should expect more of the same from him in ‘06. I am not a big fan at breaking down the 9 hole in the batting order so here is the quick down and dirty on Cano. Cano .297/.320/.458. Verry respectable. Will he have a sophomore slump? Can he adjust to a league that will be gunning for him? Will he benefit from the line-up around him? Is he a one hit wonder? Is John Sterling going to declare him the "best second baseman in the game" this year?Lets be reasonable. He may come back to earth this year a bit. Take a look at August v Sept numbers and you will conclude what I do, you can't know for sure what you are going to get from this guy. Very similar to the Youk situation.Yankees +1 Overall Yankees are +7 here (+7 overall). But wait til you see pitching, that is where I earn my money. Right now the Yanks are 33% better than the Bo Sox.

STARTING PITCHING

Lets face it, pitching wins championships. The Yankees for the past few years have been plagued by the fact that their best pitcher by far can only pitch about 90 innings a year out of the bullpen. I need not mention further that Schilling and Pedro together (with strong work from D-Lowe) are why the Sox won in 2004, but never before. Off the bat, there are question marks on both sides. Injuries for one, age for another, and for the Yankees, some inexperience.Pitching is much harder then hitting to throw raw numbers at. I would submit that wins are not a very good source of a pitchers performance throughout the course of the year. So what are the best numbers to use? I love the splits in batting, so I have tried to come up with one for use in pitching. ERA is OK, but Run Average might be better. Anyone have an opinion on whether it is better to count the unearned runs for a pitchers performance. I am not sure but a two out error to the shortstop followed by two singles and a grand slam counts for 4 unearned runs?? I propose this as a split. WHIP/K9/ERA This will take a lot of the randomness out of a season Run Support, parks, errors. WHIP is, in a word, pitchers OBP. It quantifies how many people get on base each inning. K9 is the number of strike outs (Ks) that a pitcher gets per nine innings. The less an opponent puts it in play the less random events (i.e. defense) can happen to the picture.And with that away we go. #1: Schiling v. Johnson Gotta give it to these guys as the aces. Schiling is coming back from a lost season, his worst since 1989. He is aging so it is very difficult to say if he is declining or last season was due completely to the ankle injury. My guess is both. Lets look at the career splits for Curt: 1.13/8.77/3.40 For RJ: 1.16/10.95/3.11Very slight edge here to Johnson. Not enough, in my mind to give a TANC either way. We have to consider other factors however. We can assume the breakdown factor applies equally to both taking in past years experience. Schilling is a few years younger, but we have to assume that both will turn in an equal number of healthy starts for their ball club. However, once we get away from pure numbers we have to look at the intangibles and likelihood of injury. Also that both are at the end of their careers in a much tougher American League. Schilling, however, has the experience of 2004 for a recent look.
So if we count 05 as lost for Schilling, which it was, let’s compare Schilling’s most recent 2004 campaign in the AL with the 05 Johnson numbers. We may get an indication that Johnson may be a bit further down the road then we thought. Keep in mind that this is all relative and the numbers are still good compared to the league. Shcilling 2004 in BOS: 1.06/8.06/3.26. (Amazingly Schill had a higher K9 in 2005)Johnson 2005 in NY: 1.13/8.42/3.79 These are the numbers we go by, down slightly for both in 2006. I love them both in a big game, but Schilling a bit more. I think those few extra years in age make a big difference at this point in their careers and I think that Johnson is prone to breaking down on a regular basis, where Schilling could (with no major injuries) remain durable for reasons of pitching mechanics. Johnson is constantly hurling his back with his sling shot delivery. After so many innings and so many years that is expected. Schilling comes from the Clemans ilk of using your legs to generate a bulk of the power behind his pitches. The legs will break down less than the arms of back. Yes, I remember the ankle. Again, we assume GOING INTO the season both are healthy, who is more prone to miss starts? To me, it has to be Johnson. That’s huge. Schilling: +1 #2. Beckett v. Moose Speaking of injury prone. Here we go again. Beckett loves getting blisters. Here’s a stat that will certainly help you determine nothing. Since 2002, he has not yet thrown 200 innings BUT each year he throws more. Beckett is young and his injuries are common but not serious. BUT we get reports of shoulder damage which added Guillermo Mota to a deal (no longer with team). So what can we expect from Beckett? #1 Type Stuff ,for sure, but how much of it? National League for Beckett: 1.23/8.97/3.46 Again this is the National League. Couple of points non stats related to consider 1. Guy was nails in the 2003 series. His great stuff shut down the Yankee offense. 2. He is not at his prime yet and is finding ways to work through those problems he encounters. So I will assume that his numbers will elevate slightly in 2006 due to the AL, but not as much as usual because he is getting better. 3. The shoulder in my mind almost gives Moose a +1 edge. So, we have to consider how does Mussina stack up and can he keep this +1 edge for the "questionable shoulder" "I hate you Mike Mussina, but I respect the hell out of you" [insert kiss on forehead] How many times will this guy throw 7 no-nit innings against the Red Sox?? All AL for Mussina (thank God): 1.18/7.17/3.64. Excellent numbers for the Moose. But again, he has the disadvantage of being older than his competition. his WHIP the last TWO seasons is up to 1.35+, ERA 4.50+, his Innings Pitched down to about 165+. In my opinion, Beckett has crossed his stats (upwards) with Mussinas (downward) in 2004 and 2005. Beckett is now the better pitcher. Period. But that shoulder bothers me. I reserve the right to make this as much as a plus +2 if Beckett is healthy but for now lets be conservative. Red Sox +.5 Now the order is subjective and may not matter that much, I will try to stick with last year's rotation dreams as much as possible for these teams. We can't say for certain who will make it into the rotation for either side. I pose this: Red Sox: Wells, Clement, Wakefield Yankees: Pavano, Wang, Wright Clement makes to much to be in the bullpen. Papelbon will start and will be great, but not right now. He will be in the bullpen or in Pawtucket.Pavano’s in the same boat as Clement. Small is elated to be in the Big Leagues and will service Papa Joe T as he pleases. Wright is another free agent head case who I will compare to Matt Clement. Wang v Chacon is tough. Wang turned in some solid innings last year and Chacon was brilliant down the stretch. I can't see either one being a huge factor in this thing, but I think that Chacon is the seasoned hand and will win the spot. Again this is a coin flip for me, but I look at Wang a bit like Papelbon. #3: Clement v. Wright They are so similar it’s scary. National League, no huge success in their career, both overpaid, both hit in head with line drives and collapsed after that. But Wright was bad all year. Clement was bad for a half of the year. So here is what I will do to be fair. Wright 2004 numbers with my ALF (American League Factor) and Clement for first half of 2005. This is as good as you are going to get from these guys, and you should not expect it all year. Clement because he can't Wright because he can't and he'll get hurt. Wright 2004 (NL)...Ok I just looked at the stats. I can't do this Wright had an abnormally great year in 2004. His last full season in the AL prior to 2004 was 1998 and his ERA was 4.50+. His career ERA is over 5.00+, his WHIP is over 1.50 (even worst last year) and his K9 is 6.60 (4.5 last year). The Yankees in my estimation would be making a huge mistake in putting him in this spot and not using Wang. (This is getting tough.) I pose this to readers: Will Wright be starting next year? It's him or Wang (they just paid too much to have him in the bullpen, and). Wright has to start for that reason and that reason alone. As much as most Red Sox fans would like to see Clement out of town, Wright was far worse.
[Not to interject myself too much in here, but this was Oc’s first, full-bore Bill James-esque rant. I’m so proud. It’s like watching your favorite son nail the prom queen.]
So with that tangent I will continue with my Clement numbers. The guy had two AWFUL months, July 8.88 ERA and Sept 6.00 ERA (including playoffs in Oct).He was fine in August and All Star caliber in the first half, so in this case let’s take last years numbers in the AL and move them out. (After trashing Wright I will not just use the first half numbers after all.) 1.36/6.88/4.57. Peak of mediocrity all the way around for Clement. Wright is just dreadful though and I still can't get over how abnormal 2004 was. I will grant that 2006 can turn out great for Wright just like you can grant me that all year Clement may be 1st half 2005 good. But all things being equal...Red Sox +1 #4: Wells v. Pavano I would like to say again how hard this is getting. I almost want to put a zero here, but I learned my lesson after my Clement-Wright analysis so I will go through this with zeal and fervor. Wells, despite his age, is amazingly durable. He will miss a start here and there with a bad back or a bad hangover, but all in all his numbers are consistently the same. He is pretty much the model for a control pitcher. He makes most of us think that we could go out there and do the same thing he makes it look so easy. So Wells analysis is easy for me. Let’s take 2005, and move it up a bit for age, and the fact that he hates Boston fans and we will come up with what is a reasonable expectation of Wells. Based on last years numbers and inflated slightly 4.55 ERA, 1.35 WHIP and 5.5 K9 are OK. Note on Wells his career walks per 9 is 1.87. That includes two years, 03 and 04, where his walks per 9 were UNDER 1 , which is unreal.Expect that to continue certainly. He was great with a sub-four ERA after the All-Star Break last year and after his injury. He also knows how to pitch with a lead and is willing to give up a few meaningless runs. He is all about the W. I still like him a lot. He is a Moneyball type pitcher in that he likes quick innings and not walking people. He lets his fielders do the work, but still can get a K with that nasty hook. So can Pavano compete with this? Last year the answer was ‘no,’ but injuries were a big problem and ruined his season. So, lets look at the 04 numbers (ALF them) and come up with something reasonable for Pavano. He is a lifetime NLer and has to be treated like Javier Vazquez until he can prove otherwise in my mind. He is not as good as Beckett or Burnett (his former Marlin teammates). 2004 was his best year, and 2005 was his worst. He only pitched 100 innings in 2005 and had an ERA over 5.00 to boot. There is also talk in spring training about him being quite injured again and missing time at the start of the season. 2004 numbers: 1.17/5.63/3.00. I am a big proponent that the National League makes a huge difference. See Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez. Their ERAs flipped last year from 2004. 2005: LOST SEASON 2006: ALF and Injury 1.25/5.63/4.00. This to me is VERY generous and conservative from a Red Sox fan point of view. 0 #5: Wakefield v. ChaconRight now if I had to put a figure on this if its Wang my analysis would not falter. Wang and Chacon bring the same thing to the table for me and the x-factor is Wakefield. To me, both Wang and Chacon are the "average" through and through. Chacon should not continue what he bought to the table last year for the Yanks. Wang will level off to an average point too, but he has the potential to be much better than that of course. Expect the league to adjust this year.When I look at Wake, I have to work hard to take the sentimentality out. In the end, Wakefield will give you the following:1. Innings at any point in a game 2. A lot of innings 3. Average ERA, WHIP, and K9 4. Nightmares if you are a catcher 5. A surprisingly low walk total for a knuckle ball pitcher 6. Unhittable streaks balanced with streaks where he’s firing 450 meatballs towards the plate. Sometimes he does this in the same game. 7. A very good back end rotation guy. I can't put a lot of stock into Chacon and Wang right now. Jeter is quoted as saying "To us Wakefield is their ace." He always seems to throw gems against the Yankees. Better than any other team. Red Sox +1 Red Sox +3.5 here, but -3.5 overall.

CLOSERS

It is hard to imagine a year ago today that I could sit here and legitimately make the argument that the Red Sox could get a TANC in the closer column. Opinions on Foulke were real high, his stats were great, and he was proven to be more versatile in his usage than Rivera and all was well in Red Sox bullpen land (for a change) A year later, I am forced with this challenge. Make a case that the Yankees don’t get the ultimate +3 edge in the closer column. First, a side-bar. I listen to a lot of Yankees broadcasts up here, and I have come to loath the man that is John Sterling. So I am refusing to mention Rivera’s stats because I hear them every single pitch the guys throws. He is an amazing HOF closer with no sign of letting up. He will probably show the same type numbers this year. We have no reason to believe otherwise. He will blow only a handful of saves and a few of them will be against the Red Sox because 1. The Red Sox are one of the best fastball hitting teams. 2. They don’t awing at a lot of bad pitches, which most of Rivera’s are. Rivera is great plain and simple. Again, my goal here is to make a case for Foulke not being completely useless out there. 2005 was a lost season for KF. He was hurt, had a divorce, hit the bottle, and underwent surgery. He had several tiffs with the local media, and the fans began to show a disdain for him due to his brash “who cares” mentality. Couple of things to keep in mind, however:1. His wife won’t divorce him again 2. He completed his surgery and has had some success but has just suffered some setbacks in recovery 3. The fans will be on his side on April 1 and if he goes 5 for 6 in saving games he will in the end be embraced. This may be a good time to point out the ever-growing sentiment about how useless the save statistic is. Rivera consistently leads the league in saves and in easy saves, but is not where near the top in hard saves. Easy saves look like the 10-7 games against Tampa where he gets them without giving up the lead in 1 inning of work. Hard Saves look like the Bot 9 in a 2-1 game at Fenway Park. Yes, they keep track of Hard and Easy Saves and it is not any more arbitrary than the normal save stat. That is not to take anything away from Rivera, because his numbers are still fantastic, it goes more towards his usage. Come on Torre, put him in when it’s tied once in a while. He's your best pitcher. Have him pitch for 5 outs in the regular season instead of pitching him 9 days in a row when your winning and then sitting him 9 days in a row when your losing. Come to think of it, add Manager to the TANC list, I want to break that down too.
Back to Foulke. I think he is still hurt and that it will take him a while to get back in the good graces of Red Sox Nation. There will be some bumps in the road. In short I propose taking the averages of 2004 and 2005 and coming up with some sort of reasonable stat line for the 2006 Foulke. I think this is more than fair. Foulke has not had an ERA over 3.00 since 1998 prior to 2005 and I will be giving him that with my “averages.” Please take into consideration that Foulke does in fact have a proven track record behind him 2006 Proposed Stats: 3.75 ERA, 68 Games, 25-35 Saves (Usage will play a big role like in 2004), 72 Innings Pitched, 60 strikeouts, 1.25 WHIP, .290 OBA, 7 K9, and 2.00 BB9.

By the way, this was one of the big problems for him last year. He lost his control due to the physical problems he was having. The BB9 tells half the story, because he could not locate and he became “wild in the strike zone.”I would take this line from Foulke this year. I want and expect more. OK I lied.... here is Rivera on similar stats my projection for 2006, keeping in mind that 2005 was a career year for him (again I hate saves and so no real weight is being put on those) ERA: 1.80 Games: 68 (This has to go down from 2005 or Torre should lose his job) Saves: 35-45 (Usage will play a big role like in 2004) IP: 73-75 SO: 73 WHIP: 1.05 OBA: .250 K9: 6.00 (Surprisingly this was WAY down in 2005, stats are strange some times) BB9: 2.00 All in all I have been very optimistic with Rivera and punishing on Foulke. This mismatch was a 3 in 2005 but in 2006...Yankees +2

Yankees +5.5 Overall

[EDITOR’S NOTES: You don’t think that this would end with a ‘Yankees +5.5 Overall’ did you?]

CONCLUSION

For the conclusion I have decided, amongst the pressure of some readers, to introduce the final say in all this Weighted TANC.

Why a weighted stat? Well, pitching in more important than any one man in the batting order. So not to get too complicated, you have to say that starting pitching has a value greater than that of the typical batting order. To put it into prospective: The batting order maxes out at a 27 point edge, while the starting rotation can only have a 15 point edge. I would argue certainly that the value of the starting rotation TANCs are in fact twice as much as that of any one spot in the batting order making the formular simple.

(2*TANC Starting Pitching) + (1*TANCBatting)+(.5*TANC Closer)+ (.5*TANC Defense)= WEIGHTED TANC.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Oc and myself found it hysterical that people were arguing over the awarding of TANCs. Some folks even wanted a weighted TANC. He obliged. The lesson? Baseball fans love stats...a lot.]

Note that I have also slightly devalued my closer and defense stat as not being as important as batting or starting pitching. Go ahead argue, but I don't want to get into it.

So what are the results. Looking at the Red Sox weighted TANC against the Yankees.

(2*3.5)+(1*-7)+(.5*2)+(.5*0)= 7-7-1-0=Weighted TANC 1.0 Yankees.

Ultimately, Weighted TANC predicts champions against another team. Who will win more against each other and who will fair better against like opponents?

Now that being said, prove me wrong boys! and win the whole damn thing. After all, what good is this stat if I didn't breakdown Kyle Farnsworth v. Jillian Tavarez.

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