Letter From a Nut

While I was home this weekend, I was looking some old books and found Letters from a Nut by Ted Nancy, a real gem. The book is a collection of letters from Nancy to various companies and, on occasion, foreign kings asking zany questions. In one letter, he writes a hotel manager to ask if they had found his Prussian sword that he left in the hotel’s bathroom.

I was assigned to read this book was junior year in high school by my English teacher. Shortly after, everyone in the class had to write their own whacky letter. I chose Fred Thompson, senator and star of Law & Order. When I opened the book this weekend, I found that letter and, without any further ado, here it is.

Dear Senator Fred Thompson:

Hello, fine sir! I’d first like to say that I am a BIG Fred Thompson supporter. I think you are the best senator since Henry “The Great Negotiator” Clay. I hope that you decide to run in 2000. America could use another actor/president.

I would also like to commend you for your fine work in films such as Baby’s Day Out, one of those Die Hard movies, and The Hunt for Red October. I especially enjoyed you in Feds. I have seen that movie many times on TV and it is hysterical. You really brought a new dimension to your character. I’m hoping for a sequel!

I was wondering if you would tell me whether or not you’ll be running for the presidency. If you decide to run, could I be your running mate? I don’t know much about politics or economics, but does the vice-president really need to know any of that kind of stuff? I think not. All he has to do is nod and sometimes go to a funeral. By the way, where was Gore during Diana’s funeral? You should probably look into this.

Although I don’t know all that much about current events, I still think I would be a darn good vice-president. I could be sorta like Joe Six Pack; someone all the American people could relate to. You could say, “Look, this guy is just like you.” They’d probably buy it.

I would be a much better candidate than that crazy, admiral guy that ran with Ross Perot or Jack Kemp. (what’s with that guy’s hair?) I am also fairly confident that I could beat Al Gore in a debate. I’d just deny everything. Then I’d say, “Me and Fred,” we’d be on a first name basis “will do some pretty good stuff that will be good for the country.” Then they’d all applaud cause, hey, they love us. We are their heroes.

I’d like to close by thanking you. Thank your for reading this letter and taking the time to hear my case. I would also like to thank you for going after that no good, hillbilly Clinton. I hope that they impeach that commie. I look forward to hearing from you, Fred!