Friday, June 29, 2007


In the year and a half since the last post on our blog much has changed about our little group. Most of us have gotten engaged and married or are about to be, we gone our separate ways regionally speaking, and for lack of better terminology we've grown older. I'm not sure how many of the original posters are still out there or are still connected to our little spot on the web, however being the "doer" that I am, I've decided to make an attempt to bring us back together here. For all who have posted on TPB before and who might check in or get an alert that I've made this post, swing by and leave a response and lets breathe some life back into this puppy. I say this as I sit on my deck drinking a fine Canadian whiskey and smoking a fine cigar in homage to days gone by. In the words of my picture representation 'Terrible Terry Tate', "Just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean I don't come to play baby", let's hear from ya boys.


Read more.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I’ve always prided myself in bringing good stuff to our little breakfast table on the web. As of late, I just haven’t had much to say. I haven’t even had much time to put to written word anything that I may have wanted to say. I’ve had some free time tonight and have spent the better part of three hours to find something to write about. The truth is that there isn’t anything going on right now that really pulls me in. So, in an effort to get something out there, I’ve decided to switch gears and let you behind the cyber veil and give you a glimpse of what’s going on in my life right now.


I’ve been back for well over a month now and it’s keeping me very busy. My first week back I started an externship at the City of Camden City Attorney’s Office. It’s been fun to get out and practice, but it’s a massive amount of work. On a related note, the City of Camden gets sued A LOT.


This past weekend, Cannon and I went down to his parents’ shorehouse to close it up for the off-season. After a little bit of less-than-hard work and a hearty dinner, we hit the town. We hit it hard. The last bar that we hit up was a little dive where the primary source of entertainment was six middle-aged women who were partying in the loosest sense of the word. Their ring-leader was a semi-attractive woman in her forties named ‘Linda.’ Linda claimed that her compatriots were all sisters and she was married to one of their brothers. Oddly enough, this group had two women named Debbie. Hmmmmm.


I’m not watching them. I’m not watching anything for that matter. I’ve been without cable because of a disastrous error made by my school’s financial aid office. Of course, the one year in my life that I don’t have cable, a dude (Mark Kotsay) goes all the way for an inside the park home run. It would have been cool to see that.

That’s about all. I’m sure there’s more, but I need to go to bed.

Read more.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

What is that thing??

Some think it's Bigfoot's baby, some think it's a mangy fox. Whatever it is, they're calling it the Yardley Yeti, and I don't want to be caught in a dark alley with it. The video will be on Fox 29 news (Philadelphia) on Wednesday at 10pm.

Read more.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Links: Better than 35 Vicodin?

Mel v. Dennis – Dennis Leary has an opinion on Mel Gibson. Watch for Jerry Remy’s very subtle reaction to Leary’s riff.

Checking Out In Style – “Steve Irwin lived a rugged, manly life and died a rugged, manly death. Not many men have the good fortune to die when an ocean beast skewers their heart with a venomous spike. Irwin actually pulled the murderous barb from his chest before checking out.” Click the link for more on manly deaths from Cold, Hard Football Facts.

Defend Yourself! – Keeping with the manly theme that I’ve got going, here’s a link to a site that uses illustrations to demonstrate the many ways to fight off an attacker with a cane. If you’re concerned that there are many different types of walking sticks, like ones with hooks, don’t worry. They’ve got ALL the possibilities.

How do you like your Jesus? – Great site that has various takes on Jesus. There’s Fat Jesus, Jesus Preachin’ to Ladies, Pal Jesus, and many more. Above, I have posted 1998 Power Home Run Hitting Jesus. Find the Jesus that’s right for you.

Read more.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

T.O.'s Lesson

The hot story of the day is the T.O. and his attempted/alleged suicide. It’s a big topic of discussion down here in Philly and there has been a fairly good amount of level-headed discussion on the issue. One of the elements of the discussion which annoys, but doesn’t surprise, me is how people can’t fathom that a rich person would want to kill himself. As Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN’s TMQ, has written, money does not equal happiness. Here’s what he wrote in his most recent column.

I'll add another suggestion on why time is more important to happiness than money: Because time is far more precious. Money that has been used up can be replaced; you can always get at least some additional money, and in principle can get huge amounts of additional money. Your time on Earth, on the other hand, is limited and irreplaceable. You might add somewhat to your time on Earth by taking care of your health -- and that's an excellent idea, but there are no guarantees you won't be hit by a bus anyway. We all must surrender some of our time for work to acquire income. But those who obsessively chase maximum material possessions give up something precious and fleeting, namely time, in order to acquire something that cannot make them happy, namely money.

One final note before I sign off. Recently, in a class titled “Law, Justice & Society”, the discussion was focusing in on how, in a just society, it would ever be possible to ensure that every citizen would be able to have access to an adequate sense of self-worth. Most people in the class thought that this would require “honoring” an almost infinite amount of superlatives. (i.e. “Best Dressed” X the number of people in the society.) Some, however, believed that, in a capitalist society, the only true superlative would end up being actual wealth.

The heart of the matter is that money can not be relied on to make one happy. TO’s story shows how those dissenters from my class are wrong. Enrichment can be found in many, many forms. Often money, of course, can make that enrichment easier. But having cash is only a facilitator, not the end.

Read more.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My last word ever about Jim McGreevey

I swear, I didn’t watch the Oprah on Tuesday. Still, I got the chance to hear from Jim McGreevey today on Sean Hannity’s radio show. As an aside this was probably a better venue. Sean didn’t pull ANY punches, and the Oprah interview probably involved a lot of crying and then absolution like only the Oprah can give.

At first blush, McGreevey has a good message. He says he “owns” his mistakes, and accepts any responsibility. While this is good advice in general, it is clear the McGreevey doesn’t actually accept responsibility.

Most important McGreevey’s story is the homosexual “double-life” he lived up until his confession in 2004. While he SAYS that he accepts responsibility for all the deception he perpetrated on his family and the public, he still blames a society that is not completely open to homosexual lifestyles.

Even worse, he does the same dance when asked about the corruption that infested his administration. He CLAIMS responsibility, but then blames the system. To paraphrase, he said that he had to raise money for his campaigns, and contributors would only give money to gain “access” to the governor’s office. Thus, it is really society’s fault that his office was so corrupt. So much for accepting responsibility.

Read more.

The Death of Civility

Criticism of our President has reached a new low. Now we can look forward to the theatrical release of "Death of a President," a pseudo-documentary which depict the assassination of President George W. Bush. The film has won an award at the Toronto Film Festival, and rumors are flying that it could be coming to a theater near you.

This film (and the buzz generated by it) make two points worth mentioning. First, the film's existence and its "popularity" (at least among film-types) demonstrates the lack of class and civility that exists in the liberal movement today. We can argue about our strategy in Iraq, or the efficacy of tax cuts. We can even argue about whether you approve of the President's character. This is all very healthy in a democracy. When someone makes a movie which depicts as a central theme the assassination of a sitting American President, and the response is, "gee, this raises some interesting questions," the line has been crossed. It demonstrates a moral and intellectual bankruptcy among the film's makers and its supporters.

The response (or lack thereof) by the Bush administration is also very telling. When asked about it, the President shrugged it off. This is a sharp contrast to the Clintonian response to "The Path to 9/11," an accurate account of American anti-terrorism policy since 1993. Former members of the Clinton administration screamed bloody murder: calling for more editing or altogether stopping the film from airing. If the President's opposition is showing its crassness, the President is showing class.

Read more.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Laffey v. Chafee -- My Long Last Word on Rhodey Politics

Senator Lincoln Chafee’s victory this past Tuesday’s was a fascinating experiment in Rhode Island Republican politics. Cannon and I spent some time talking about this race on the eve of the primary and I believed that the determinative factor would be the total number of people who would vote in the primary.

I argue that Mayor Laffey lost this primary when Matt Brown’s own bid failed. For the uninitiated, Matt Brown is the current Secretary of State in RI and was challenging Sheldon Whitehouse to be the Democratic Senate candidate. Because his campaign hemorrhaged money like a horny, 23-year old guy in bar with a $9 cover, Brown was forced to fold his tent and back out of the race. When he did, Whitehouse was basically given a free pass to the general election.

The advantage to the Whitehouse camp is obvious. While his eventual opponent was getting the crap beat out of him by someone from his own party, sucking away resources and goodwill from their own base, he was able to hang back, walk in parades, and drink appletinis. Brown’s withdrawal also significantly aided the Chafee campaign as well.

To vote in a Rhode Island primary, you must be registered as a member of the party which is having the primary or be an unaffiliated voter. If you are registered as a member of a party, you can’t vote in any other party’s primary. This becomes troublesome since the vast majority of the municipal races are settled in that municipality’s Democratic primary. To avoid being shut out of a primary, a lot of RIers remain unaffiliated, even though they probably associate themselves with one party.

Enter Laffey and Chafee. The last statewide primary for Republicans drew about 25K voters. People thought that this was a high number at the time, especially in the context of a heated Democratic primary. The largest Republican primary, Almond/Macthley in 1994, drew about 50K voters. The current race drew well over 60K voters. If Brown had managed to hold on and challenge Whitehouse, the number of voters on the ‘R’ side of the ledger would have been substantially less. This favored Senator Chafee in big way. Every unaffiliated voter who came into the primary diluted the conservative base that Mayor Laffey geared his entire campaign to.

The final results bear out that Mayor Laffey ran a very good campaign. In spite of the large number of voters who turned out, he managed to keep it very close. His campaign’s biggest flaw was probably relying too heavily on polling numbers that told him what he wanted to hear. If he had expanded the net of his campaign earlier on, he would have been able to capture a larger number of the unaffiliated voters and possibly even solidify his chances going into the general election.

Read more.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Muslims protest Pope's words with violence

You may have heard about an address that Pope Benedict XVI made at the University Regensburg late last week. Most likely you heard one sentence, which was a quote by Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus, made around 1391: "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." I urge you to read the full address, which tends to refute this statement. Regardless of the Pope's intent in his address, this one quote was all anyone heard.

Since then, so much of the Muslim protest has been quite sad. A 65-year old nun was shot in the back and killed by two Somali men. Churches have been bombed in Israel. Now, al-Qaeda has threatened jihad over the Pope's comment.

I have some humble advice. If someone calls you "violent" or "evil," I don't think the best way to refute these insults is to kill innocent people. Also, how many jihads can one organization declare?

Read more.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

My wedding is saved, but at what cost?

Well, the Red Sox are like 8 games out of the wild card, and who knows how many back from the Yankees. At this point, it's all but certain that they are not going to the playoffs. This is bad news for all of us at TPB.

On the plus side, the Sox's elimination precludes the possibility of a Mets-Sox World Series, which means my wedding is still on.In the meantime, I need something else to root for. That thing will be the Phillies. They're only a game out of the wild card as I type this, and have been red-hot since they donated Abreu to the Yankees. So for the next couple of weeks, the Phillies will be my team. They need all the support they can get. I've never seen a city so pessimistic and hostile about their team, let alone a WINNING team. It's really sad. Related to this, I'd like to silence the naysayers who complain about the Phillies: they're a good team. Unfortunately, they're in the same division as the Braves (which mattered from 1994-2005), and the Mets. Also, how cool would a Phillies-Mets NLCS be? I could actually go to a playoff game. (Have you ever tried to get to Shea? It's terrible!)

Don't get me wrong, the Mets are my team. But until October, go Phils!

Read more.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

What? No Myrth York?

My thoughts on Chafee v. Laffey to come tomorrow. Until then, here are my thoughts on the upcoming general elections. Incumbents are in caps.

Governor: DON CARCIERI (R) v. Charles Fogarty (D)

I absolutely love this race. You have a well-heeled, incumbent against someone who has been in elected office since he was in grade school. (NOTE TO SELF: Check if that’s true.) We also have candidates whose strengths are not exactly prototypical for their parties. Governor Carcieri is particularly strong in Providence, where the official city motto is “Where Statewide Republican Campaigns Come to Die.” The Lt. Governor is strong in the western, more conservative part of the state due to his ties to Glocestor. All in all, I’d rather snag Providence. Although I’m torn because Charlie does look like Mr. Potato Head, I gotta go with the Gov on this one.

Lt. Governor: Reginald Centracchio (R) v. Elizabeth Roberts (D)

I was pretty surprised when General Reginald “Call me Reggie” Centracchio made the jump into this race. I have no idea how he’ll do and don’t especially think that it matters all that much. The Lieutenant Governor doesn’t do all that much and only serves the purpose of being a statewide, elected official who can stump and raise cash for lower offices. If Gen. Reggie is committed to that sort of party-building, he could be a valuable asset to the Republicans, but this benefit is mitigated by the low prestige of the position. As a side note, even if he does win, there isn’t a lot of upward mobility for an old guy. I’d rather have a younger gun (say a Laffey or an Avedisian) be in this slot and ready to run for Senate or Governor down the road. Bonus side note: if Gov. Carcieri and the General do win, he will be the first LG to be of the same party as the Governor since Bernie Jackvony was appointed to the office in ’97.

Secretary of State: Sue Stenhouse (R) v. Ralph Mollis (D)

Pass. For now.

Treasurer: Andrew Lyon (R) v. Frank Caprio (D)

No real thoughts on this race other than an anecdote. When Andrew Lyon came forward to run for Treasurer in 2002, he was a complete unknown. No one really expected him to do much, but he did put in a lot of effort. In RI, one of the requirements to get on the statewide ballot is that you must get a thousand signatures from registered voters. It’s a time-consuming task and very tedious and most candidates view it as an afterthought that’s the volunteer coordinator’s problem. Mr. Lyon, on the other hand, feverishly worked Smithfield to get as many signatures as he could for the Republican ticket. It doesn’t really do anything for his ability to win this race, but it is encouraging to see a guy off the street do all that he can to affect change in his community.

Attorney General: Bill Harsch (R) v. PATRICK LYNCH (D)


1st District US Rep: Jon Scott (R) v. PATRICK KENNEDY (D)
I really don’t like Patrick Kennedy. The best argument that democracy is bound to fail is that this guy is a congressman. On the good news front, since he oversaw the Dems getting beat down while head of the DNCC, he isn’t in the mix for Speaker if the Dems do take the House this year. So, as a groundskeeper might say, I’ve got that going for me.

2nd District US Rep: No One (R) v. JIM LANGEVIN (D)

It’s pretty tough to dislike Jim Langevin and I don’t. At the same time, the fact that he has run unopposed for all intents and purposes since he got into office is a big indictment of where the Republican Party is in Rhode Island.

US Senate: LINCOLN CHAFEE (R) v. Sheldon Whitehouse (D)

This one is the Daddy Race. It has the potential to have serious implications on a national level, but I’d rather focus on the local side of it. (Tip of the hat to Tip.) Having a U.S. Senator that’s a Republican is absolutely huge for the state party. My rough guess is that having Linc Chafee on the team is worth about $100K to other candidates in each cycle where he isn’t running. That number, which is a very conservative guess, includes every statewide office and every candidate underneath them right down to the city council level. There is almost certainly the same advantage with having an active, Republican governor as well.

Read more.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Why not support the Future Mrs. Cannon?

In a shameless exercise of fiance's perogative, I want to call your attention to the new blog of the Future Mrs. Cannon. Don't expect anything as heady as what I am wont to post, but she is very funny and tells a good story. So welcome her to the 'blogosphere;' give her a few hits.

Read more.

McGreevey seeks forgiveness from the Oprah

One of the more memorable law school moments came during my first law summer. I was working at the New Jersey statehouse, and I heard rumors of then-Governor McGreevey's sordid private life. I heard that he was secretly gay, that henever even slept in the same room as his wife, etc. I was never big into rumors, so I took all of this "news" with a grain of salt.

Then before the end the summer, McGreevey pulls one of the smarter moves of his political career. In face of federal indictments, as well as sub-30% approval ratings, McGreevey admits to being gay and announces his resignation. In an instant, accusations of gross corruption and/or incompetence melt away to some sort of pity.

Today, McGreevey followed in the footsteps of so many disgraced public figures, he sat down with the Oprah. The interview will not be aired until next week, but I can tell you what to expect. He going to cry, and talking about the pain of having to live a double life. Conspicuously absent will be tales of his vacuum of political leadership, and his dealing with U.S. Attorney's office. You know, all the stuff that earned him the title of the worst governor in New Jersey history. And this is the state that brought you Jim Florio.

Read more.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Classic Fall

With the onset of the NFL’s season, autumn is right around the corner, which happens to be my favorite season. Without further ado, here is my list of things I love about the fall and football.

· Because of football, it is socially acceptable to for me to drink beer early in the day. The importance of this needs no further explanation.
· Campaigning in the fall. The happiest moments in my life came while driving around Rhode Island, going from campaign stop to campaign stop. I always had a blast and making those trips, which usually went from about 7am to 10pm, helped me fall in love with the Ocean State. I’ve been out of that world for two election cycles and it surprises me how much I miss those experiences, especially this year. On the bright side, the cube I’m working in now is green.
· TV. I love TV. The leaves falling means that new episodes of my favorite shows will soon be broadcast directly into my brain. There are so many questions left unanswered. Will Earl finally assuage karma? Will Denny Crane finally succumb to Alzheimer’s? Will Pam finally realize that both Jim and Roy are wrong for here and that her dream guy is some blogger in a green cubicle? Um. Moving on.
· Aside from Sunday afternoon libations, watching a whole slate of games makes for a pretty awesome way to kill a Sunday. Yesterday, I spent the entire day at The Ultimate Weapon’s house. Sure, there was a lot of football, but there was also a lot of other good stuff going on as well. For instance, TUW’s sister brought some saltine’s down into the basement. Cannon challenged me to see how many saltines I could eat in a minute. This lead to Cannon and myself spending the next 15 minutes or so furiously shoveling crackers into our mouths. This would not happen during a hockey game.
· Tailgating. You’ve seen the pictures. It’s a real good time.

Read more.

Friday, September 08, 2006

"Free Speech" is too little, too late

I enjoyed the first couple of days of the all-new "CBS Evening News" with Katie Couric. True, I don't care too much for Ms. Couric's voice (to me, she sounds too much like so many girls I remember from college: an air of confidence mixed with a raspy quality that comes from the smoking and drinking of the previous weekend). Nevertheless, she put on a good show.

In particular, I was fond of the new segment "Free Speech," where some opinated person would have the chance to sound off for 90 seconds. While I enjoyed the first two installments of "Free Speech," I was really looking forward to yesterday's, as it was to feature Rush Limbaugh. Apparently, Katie was excited about it, too, as she probably mentioned it about a dozen times in the 2 1/2 days she had been on the air.

So last night I settled into the couch with my dinner (a couple of slices of pizza), ready to watch the CBS Evening News. While I confessed to liking the show, I had not watched it from the beginning until Thursday. After sitting through nearly 30 minutes of the program, my opinion has changed.

The lead news stories went like this: 1) President Bush looks really bad because al Qaeda released another tape, 2) President Bush looks bad in middle America (though most people they interviewed still support him, except for a retired Marine Corps colonel whom they spent about 5 minutes with), 3) How the HPV vaccine will launch some sort of sexual revolution among pre-teens. Granted, I still liked "Free Speech" (for anyone who wants to see Rush's segment, click here), but it is not enough to save the program.

While I welcome CBS' attempt to reach a broader audience (I'm sure their advertisers do, too), 90 seconds of equal time is not the answer. A more serious look at how they report the news is necessary if their rating are to be saved.

Read more.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A Freakonomics Redux

For anyone who has been following this blog since March, you may remember the Octogan's strong endorsement for Freakonomics, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. While I was skeptical of the book, I did declare that it was one my short reading list.

Unfortunately, the Bar exam and the Harry Potter anthology (which I highly recommend) got in the way. But now I can say that I've read Freakonomics. While I can't say I was "wowed," I recommend this one.

While I found a lot of their analysis to be a bit superficial, I am a big fan of the effort they put forth. In a lot of ways, the use and presentation of data was very similar to that found in Moneyball, another favorite of TPB. That is, it took ordinary issues (such as education, parenting, sumo wrestling, etc.) and subjected them to some data-based scrutiny.

Of course data can be misused or used selectively to achieve a certain result. But the bigger theme--to question conventional wisdom and to always look at the data--is a valuable lesson and what readers of Freakonomics should really walk away with.

Read more.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Links: Almost as Good as Bacon

(FYI: Normally, once you click on the links, a new window will pop up. Since I'm at work, I don't have the handy code that allows that to happen. So if you start a clickin, TPB will be replaced with a pirate's or some grandma's website. Just wanted to let you know.--Iconoclast)

Pirate for Congress – He doesn’t accept money from anyone and promises to rid the world of “make-up wearing robots.” He also has two months of college. (He left early to work in a horse stable.) Surprisingly, I guess, he is also for gay marriage. (The government doesn’t belong in two places: your gun cabinet and your bedroom.) If you are looking to kill some time, read thru some other policy stands in his blog. Chiclet with the assist.

Elder Wisdom Circle – If you’re like me, you’ve got problems. There’s school, work, life, love, and all that fun stuff. If you need a sounding board, how would an old person do? This website will have an old person respond to your queries about life. Try it out.

Great American Passes – Guy Gabaldon, a veteran of World War II, died over the weekend. Using only candy bars and smokes, he tricked over 1000 Japanese soldiers to surrender at the battle of Saipan. As he succinctly puts it: “My actions proves that God takes care of idiots.” Yes, he does.

NEWS FLASH: LIMBAUGH ON KATIE COURIS – Reportedly, Katie is only suffering from broken ribs and what her producers call “a slight limp.”

Read more.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A call for term limits

With the 2006 midterm election closing in, much attention has been given to the fate of the Republican congressional majority. With only about 2 months to go, many experts have predicted that the GOP will lose majorities in the House and maybe even the Senate. Congressional approval ratings are at record lows, and there is a strong anti-incumbency sentiment in the country.

And I completely understand all of it.

The 109th Congress has been a joke. Spending has continued to spiral out of control. On Social Security, illegal immigration, and (in large part) energy policy, they have punted. None of these moves reflect any sort of ideological fervour, but instead an attempt to cover their political butts. You and I may disagree on how to handle these issues, but we all should agree that postponing solutions displays a lack of real leadership.

Nevertheless, at least in my own district, I am probably going to stay the course. After all, there's a war going on out there and a don't see how I can trust the other guys to fight it. But don't think I'm too happy with the state of affairs.

12 years ago, the Contract with America laid the groundwork for a Republican majority. Among its numerous reforms, the Contract called for a "Citizen Legislature," a constitutional amendment imposing 12-year term limits on members of Congress. The idea was simple: career politicians tend to watch out for their careers, whereas citizen legislators will be more likely to stand on principle. The popularity of their idea waned as the Republican majority lingered.

It is interesting that, had their proposal been adopted, the very politicians who campaigned on this would now be leaving office. Also, I'd probably be happier. Rather than being forced to vote for entrenched politicians, I could be proudly supporting a fresh, new group like the one I remember from '94.

Read more.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Patriots: The Movie (Working Title)

The Cast

Tom Brady – Matt Damon

This one is the easiest on the board. I’d trust Damon with this role for two reasons. The first is that he’s a Boston guy and he’d have a feel for Tom Terrific. The second is that he’s got the whole boyish thing going on. In short, he’s the perfect guy to play The Dynamic Dimple. As long as we’re not stuck with Ashton Kutcher or Ben Affleck here, we should be fine.

Bill Belichick – Tom Berenger

Tom Berenger is a hard-ass of the 10th order. He’d have to gain some weight for the role, but what else is Berenger up to that he can’t take a month to sling back Big Macs? If you don’t buy into this one, I challenge you to picture Berenger in a gray hoodie. If you’re still not on board, name someone better.

Drew Bledsoe – Dylan Walsh

Dylan Walsh is the plastic surgeon from Nip/Tuck that isn’t a sexual deviant. He’s been selected because he has an adequate jaw-line to play Bledsoe.

Adam Vinatieri – Eric Bana

Remember the guy from Troy, Munich, and Black Hawk Down? After Adam’s countless number of clutch kicks, most New Englanders will remember #4 for his awesome playoff beards. They were magnificent. In just about every movie, Bana has a good amount a facial hair growth. We’ve got another match.

Troy Brown – Omar Epps

It’s been too long since Omar Epps has been in a sports movie. I checked and the last one he did was some awful boxing movie where Meg Ryan was a freaking boxing promoter. Omar Epps is a sports movie legend and first-ballot hall-of-famer. This is the guy who starred in Major League 2 AND The Program. His last sports flick cannot have Meg Ryan in it. He’s got enough charisma to make Troy Brown work. I envision Troy being the fun-loving underdog and providing a lot of comedy in the movie. He also has to be a believable athlete (Downtown did catch 101 balls that season).

Tedy Bruschi – Michael Pena

Pena is the Mexican guy from Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center. He also played Chavez in Friday Night Lights. That’s about all I got. I’m not real pleased with this one, though.

Lawyer Milloy – Will Smith/Wayne Brady

Before Lawyer Milloy officially changed his name to The Perpetually Embittered Lawyer Milloy, he was the likeable star of the Pat’s defense. He was the life of the party at that first Superbowl parade, even getting Bob Kraft to dance...poorly. In an ideal world, we’d unite Will Smith with his co-star from the Legend of Bagger Vance and see if they could make a good movie this time. Smith would be great in the role. He can play intense real well and still bring some of that “I’m a fun guy” element to the character. Of course, Will Smith probably wouldn’t be down for this little project, so we’d have to settle for Wayne Brady.

The Story – Here’s how it’d go down

We’d start off with the end of the 2000 season when the Pats only won five games. There needs to be some scene where Tom Berenger decides that things have got to change. He should probably be in his office and speak ominously of the upcoming season.

As we fade into the 01 season, things aren’t much better. Bledsoe is getting demolished and the Pats have already lost their first game to the Bengals. During the second game, the evil Mo Lewis, as played by Ving Rames, practically murders Drew as he’s running out of bounds. Cue Tom Brady.

As soon as Brady enters the scene, you begin to see the team gelling together. Perhaps Lawyer Milloy and Adam Vinatieri discuss the team’s prospects over scotch. I don’t know what happens. This has the potential to be the boring part of the film. Don’t worry. All sports movies have the lull before the train starts rolling.

After the Pats lose a heartbreaker to the Rams, it’s about time for a montage. A really kick-ass montage, too. Vinatieri kicking field goals. Brady throwing screen passes. Troy Brown returning kicks. Drew Bledsoe brooding on the sideline and sporting a neck beard. All the good stuff. The montage will carry us into the play-offs.

I don’t even know how’d we handle the Snow Bowl except we need to see all the guys with their arms locked waiting for the refs to make the tuck call. Besides that, the only other point of interest would be Vinatieri’s kicks. We should also work in how absolutely desperate Bledsoe is at this point. Maybe we should show various teammates following him around on some sort of suicide watch or something.

Here’s where the rubber meets the road during the Steelers game. If you want a real goose bump scene, wait for when Tom “Golden Boy” Brady goes down and Drew Bledsoe, still sporting the neck beard, trots onto the field and connects with Troy Brown for a TD. Pure magic. Throw in Bledsoe crying at the end of the game and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Cut to a Tom Berenger voice-over during clips of Superbowl XXXVI:

While the Greatest Show on Turf came out as individuals, the 53 men on the Patriots came out as team that day, as they had all season. [Cue guys running out of the tunnel.] The experts had the Rams as 14-point favorites. What the experts forgot about was the determination and heart of these lunch-pail warriors. [Cue Wayne Brady/Will Smith lighting up various Rams receivers.] In the end, we needed Adam to go out there and kick one last field goal for us. [Cue Vinatieri ripping the hearts out of everyone in St. Louis and degenerate gamblers everywhere. Tom Berenger’s voice begins to crack] This last one made us World Champions. [Cue inspirational music and the confetti dropping.]

The end.

Except for the sequels.

Read more.

Movies & Sports

I got to see Invincible this weekend. It was everything that you’d expect from one of Disney’s sports flicks. Here’s the Disney formula:

Underdog (Papale) + A Supporting Cast Butchering Some City’s Accents (Philly) + A Driven Coach With A New Outlook On Doing Things (Vermeil) + Adversity (the guy was a freaking bartender) = Movie (Invincible)

Pretty simple formula that they have followed to perfection. Remember Miracle? Very, very, solid movie. Instead of Philly accents, we had Minnesota and Boston accents. Miracle’s Vermeil was Herb Brooks. If you’re looking for adversity in Miracle, you may have heard of something called the Soviet Union.

I’m sure that you remember Remember the Titans. Same exact movie. The difference is that you’ve got racists instead of communists. So I had this great idea for Disney’s next project: the 2001 New England Patriots.

You’ve got a back-up quarterback who leads a team of spare parts to a Superbowl victory over a superior team against all odds. That’s FOUR clichés right there. The main character would, of course, be Tom Brady. You’ve got Bill Belichick as the cerebral coach. The bad guys would be the Rams, who even beat the Pats earlier in the season. Gold mine.

The only question left is who would play who. The main characters that need to be coached are Brady, Belichick, Adam Vinatieri, Tedy Bruschi, Troy Brown, Lawyer Milloy and Drew Bledsoe. There are others, too.

This is where y’all come in. Let me know, via the comments, who should be cast. I’ll post the final roster or cast or whatever on Friday.

Read more.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Links: I don’t know how to quit you

9/11 Conspiracy Nuts – Did you know that September 11th was planned by the Bush Administration in an effort to beef up defense spending? This site is truly special. It’s run by a quack professor out in Wisconsin. I heard him on 1210 (‘The Big Talker’ in Philly) and wanted to give his site a look.

The Devil Made Em Do it – Here’s an interesting note: the Pope has an official “caster out of demons.” According to a priest who is Pope Benedict’s COD, Hitler and Stalin were possessed by the devil. Interesting. I’ve done some research and found out that Pope John Paul’s COD was actually Chuck Norris. Thank you, Chuck Norris. Thank you.

The Great American Bar – Not rain or sleet or hail or a really big hurricane will stop you from doing a body shot off a coed at Johnny White’s on Bourbon Street. Apparently, Johnny White’s stayed open throughout Hurricane Katrina. JD Landrum, owner/operator, I salute you.

Gynormous Baby – Woman gives birth to 14lb baby. Anyone who knows me knows that I dream of having giant babies. My goal birth weight is 13lbs. Also, diabetic mothers are more prone to have larger babies. Does anyone know if there is a dating web-site that information on, say, whether a woman has a disease, uh, like diabetes? This isn’t for me. It’s for a buddy. Never mind.

Ravishing Rick Haiku – Funny haikus. I think I’ve said enough.

Read more.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Summer Lovin: Had Myself a Blast

Well, TPB is back! We should be back on a post-a-day pace for the foreseeable future and I’m excited to get back in the flow of things. I figure that the best way to kick this off with a few thoughts on what happened this summer.

· The biggest news from the summer is that Connect4 got hitched in the beginning August. It was a fantastic day and truly joyous. C4 will be joined in the ranks of the married over the next year by the Ultimate Weapon, July ’07, and Cannon, April ’07. The Octogon and plans on taking my hand in marriage as soon as Rhode Island or New Jersey allows us to.
· The Red Sox have fallen off the table. The Phillies have stormed back into the playoff race. The Yanks found some way to add a top-five OBP guy to their squad at the very low rate of $15M or so a year. All of our predictions were pretty much off-base. I still hate Derek Jeter.
· To mark C4’s last few weeks as a bachelor, Team Pancake Breakfast and a few friends took a road trip out to Milwaukee and Chicago to catch a few ballgames. The highlights included tailgating before a game at Miller Park and seeing a 19-inning game. The lowlights included me getting a speeding ticket in Ohio and finding a dead bat on the grill of our rented van. In my defense on the speeding ticket, if you’ve ever been to Ohio, you understand why I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible too.
· I moved to New Jersey. Pray for me.

Good to be back. Somebody get me some syrup.

Read more.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Return of T.U.W.

Per the monacre it is only right to call upon The Weapon when needed. That said my favorite blog seems to have gotten as slow and bloated as David Wells. So I make my return to give the much needed shot in the arm this blog deserves. I bring to you Chinese Babies, I dare you not to laugh at this.

Read more.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Letter From a Nut

While I was home this weekend, I was looking some old books and found Letters from a Nut by Ted Nancy, a real gem. The book is a collection of letters from Nancy to various companies and, on occasion, foreign kings asking zany questions. In one letter, he writes a hotel manager to ask if they had found his Prussian sword that he left in the hotel’s bathroom.

I was assigned to read this book was junior year in high school by my English teacher. Shortly after, everyone in the class had to write their own whacky letter. I chose Fred Thompson, senator and star of Law & Order. When I opened the book this weekend, I found that letter and, without any further ado, here it is.

Dear Senator Fred Thompson:

Hello, fine sir! I’d first like to say that I am a BIG Fred Thompson supporter. I think you are the best senator since Henry “The Great Negotiator” Clay. I hope that you decide to run in 2000. America could use another actor/president.

I would also like to commend you for your fine work in films such as Baby’s Day Out, one of those Die Hard movies, and The Hunt for Red October. I especially enjoyed you in Feds. I have seen that movie many times on TV and it is hysterical. You really brought a new dimension to your character. I’m hoping for a sequel!

I was wondering if you would tell me whether or not you’ll be running for the presidency. If you decide to run, could I be your running mate? I don’t know much about politics or economics, but does the vice-president really need to know any of that kind of stuff? I think not. All he has to do is nod and sometimes go to a funeral. By the way, where was Gore during Diana’s funeral? You should probably look into this.

Although I don’t know all that much about current events, I still think I would be a darn good vice-president. I could be sorta like Joe Six Pack; someone all the American people could relate to. You could say, “Look, this guy is just like you.” They’d probably buy it.

I would be a much better candidate than that crazy, admiral guy that ran with Ross Perot or Jack Kemp. (what’s with that guy’s hair?) I am also fairly confident that I could beat Al Gore in a debate. I’d just deny everything. Then I’d say, “Me and Fred,” we’d be on a first name basis “will do some pretty good stuff that will be good for the country.” Then they’d all applaud cause, hey, they love us. We are their heroes.

I’d like to close by thanking you. Thank your for reading this letter and taking the time to hear my case. I would also like to thank you for going after that no good, hillbilly Clinton. I hope that they impeach that commie. I look forward to hearing from you, Fred!

Read more.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

While My Laptop Gently Weeps

Long post, but there should be something for everyone.

Blogmaverick: The most interesting aspect of these NBA Finals isn’t the phenomenal basketball that’s being played by both teams. It’s the utter insanity of Mark Cuban. In his most recent blog entry, Cuban basically talks about how much he enjoys swearing and hates the press. He also manages to swear at the press.

Flaming Pie: This past Sunday marked the 64th birthday of Paul McCartney. If this birthday is significant, it’s because of the classic McCartney tune “When I’m 64,” which is found on LSD-inspired Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club. It’s a wonderfully silly song that only Sir Paul could pull off.

Movie Notes: It’s almost July and I’ve seen three movies: Over the Hedge, the Da Vinci Code, and X-Men 3. Sadly, the best of the lot was actually Over the Hedge, which was pretty funny and kinda cute (or at least it would be cute, if I were the kind of guy who used the word ‘cute’). The Da Vinci Code was easily the worst of the bunch. It was slow and plodding and contained zero action. As for X-Men, I was wildly disappointed. The bar was set pretty high by the second installment of the series and this one just wasn’t as good.

Debauchery: I have a new favorite web site. Everyone knows athletes love to party. Now, a site memorializes some great moments in bad decision making by those athletes. The best set of pics include Steve Nash (showing off his chest hair and the other with The Dirk). Good times.

Sports Talk Watch: Talk radio is pretty awful. Yet, I listen. About a week ago (i.e. I should have mentioned this about a week ago), I was listening to Mike & the Mad Dog discuss Roger Federer’s defeat at the hands of some guy named Nadal at the French Open. Apparently, Nadal has beaten Federer a couple of times on clay surfaces. Either way, Mike and “The Dog” started talking about his this needs to become a major rivalry, but it’ll only happen if Federer publicly acknowledges that Nadal is his rival. I guess that makes sense, but then these guys started going on for about 10 minutes how Federer ABSOLUTELY MUST DO THIS SOON.

That begs the question: what kind of rivalry bequeathing ceremony do these guys have in mind? Ideally, Federer would hold a big press conference and make thinly-veiled threats against those Nadal loves. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes or so thinking of the possibilities. The best scenario that I can come up with is Federer putting a pumpkin on the table with ‘Nadal’ scribbled on it and then stabbing it with an ice pick.

Good Times: The other night I got to hang out a Bennigan’s in Jersey. There isn’t a better place in the world to drink heavily. I wasn’t able to drink because of the whole driving thing, but my partner in crime drank enough for both of us. In fact, she probably drank enough for a small, Asian family. Either way, you won’t find a better mix of delicious sandwiches (Monte Cristos), drink specials, and $6 shots of Kettle One.

Trivia: In what not-so-famous comedy did Bill Pullman say: “Stolen beers taste better.”

Don’t be hatin: I come down pretty hard on conservatives any time they cross the line in attacking the left. (See my Ann Coulter tirade.) Of course, we conservatives don’t have a monopoly on stupid and embarrassing comments. A friend of mine, who happens to be pretty liberal, recently posted on her blog some pretty foolish comments about Republicans. Here’s a taste:

All day I am worked into a blind rage and a sense of hopelessness when I hear
about all of the horrible things George Bush and other immoral Republicans like
him, have commited. [sic]

I think "My God has everyone in this country
lost all sense of what is moral and just?"

Then I turn on Comedy Central
at 11:00 and I am saved by the great and wise John [sic] Stewart...

After someone AGREES WITH HER in the comments section, she goes on to call the anonymous poster a “small-minded bigot.” Aside from calling Jon Stewart ‘wise,’ this is a pretty baffling post. Aside from not mentioning anything immoral that the President has done, she just kind of throws it out there.

I don’t really have anything specific to say about the actual post, but a question: why has politics become so polarized? Now, there are important debates that need to happen and they probably need to get a little heated. In fact, I love a knock-down-drag-out debate as much as the next guy. The problem is when it becomes an us-against-them on everything.

What I’m reading (and I’m not talking about apartment listings): Collapse by Jared Diamond.

What I’m listening to: The Beatles Anthology Part 3.

Read more.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


I’m not gonna lie to you. During the fourth quarter of tonight’s game three, I was flipping back and forth between the game and *GULP* National Treasure. Yep. A Nic Cage movie. With about eight minutes left in the game, I actually decided to check out to see where that blonde chick in the movie was from. (Troy, by the way.)

Having burnt out on National Treasure, I made the decision to watch the end of the Heat’s season. I was mostly interested in how much Pat Riley would whine. Down by 13 with a little over six minutes left, business began to pick up. Dwayne Wade proceeded to go absolutely insane for the next four minutes or so. I don’t have the specific stats, but I’m pretty sure he scored 37 points during that final stretch. (Actually, it was 15.)

Let’s just put Wade’s performance in perspective. He tied a career-high with 42 points. The last guy to score 40+ points in the NBA finals was Shaq in 2002 against Hitler’s favorite team, the New Jersey Nets. He also mixed in a career-high rebounding total with 13. It’s also significant that a large chunk of those points and a key rebound came in the fourth quarter while down huge.
At this point, I’m just rooting for a competitive series. I did pick the Mavs to win, and still think that Mavs hoist the trophy, but I’m much more interested in a fun bunch of games at this point. As an added bonus, I’m now going to watch the end of National Treasure.

Read more.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Aren't all women harpies?

Here’s a smattering from Ann Coulter for your reading pleasure. The following are quotes about four women from New Jersey who lost their husbands on September 11th who have recently come into the news for criticizing President Bush.

"And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies?”

"I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."
Needless to say, Ann Coulter is insane. What’s really amazing is that people buy into her and, even worse, find her attractive. Quick side note: I’ve seen this broad in person and she is not too easy on the eyes. There is absolutely no way she weighs more than 93lbs. Even if I were given the opportunity to nail her, I’d have to pass over concerns of getting a paper cut on my schlong.

Read more.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Curse you!

Don't have much time to post today, but I didn't want to let another day pass without posting something. I've decided that I should share an old Mexican curse:

"May your life be filled with lawyers."

For those of you who have an inkling on why I'm posting this today, say a prayer for Johnny Bear.

Read more.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Dr. E's Latest

If you're a Friar, you probably know Dr. Esolen. If you don't know the man, it is impossible for me to describe him. Either way, you should check out his latest article. As always, it's a fantastic read.

Read more.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Short Time

Every so often, a movie comes along that grabs you by your short hairs, points a finger in your face and says “I am here to change your world view.” Today, I have seen such a film. I speak, of course, of Short Time.

Wait a second. You’ve never heard of this film? How is it possible that you haven’t seen a movie starring one of the greatest actors of our time? Dabney Coleman. You know Dabney Coleman. He was in 9 to 5 and the Muppets Take Manhattan (pictured above with Carmela the Chicken). Still not ringing a bell? This makes me very mad. I’m so angry about all of this that I may have to fight you.

As enraged as I am, I still have to tell you about this film. The plot is so subtle and nuanced that I am going to have to choose my words carefully. Coleman plays a cop (named Burt Simpson – really) who is just two weeks from retirement when he learns that, uh oh, he’s going to die within a few days. The good news is that he has a pension. The bad news is that his ex-wife and son won’t see a dime of it unless he gets killed in the line of duty. The rest of the movie follows the adventures of Burt Simpson as he tries to get himself killed.

I don’t want to say anymore, lest I ruin the experience for you. I do want to share one more nugget of fantasmic dominance with you. In the midst of a car chase, Burt Simpson is trying to incite a criminal into shooting him and, as the bad guy starts firing, Simpson shouts to no one in particular:

“This is for you, Dougie. You will go to college.”

Read more.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why would someone come here?

Just for giggles, here are some of the Google searches that have brought folks to our little spot on the web.

* “drunks against mad mothers t-shirt”
* “diana taurasi skank”
* “lindsay lohan pitchers nipples”
* “write an article to your magazine stating the advantages”
* “andy sandberg pancake pizza commercial”
* ‘lindsay lohan rebuttal to Brandon davis”
* “significant, interesting, and unique things about germany”
* “if you are a racist, I will attack you with the north”
* “marc bulger girlfriend”
* “indifferent esolen”

My personal favorite: “I am currently infatuated with a physics geek arda”

Read more.

Saturday, May 20, 2006


Some say it would never happen. Others would say that the attempt was 'suicidal' and 'sure to drive him insane.' Somehow, someway, TPB's own Cannon has successfully completed law school. He graduated yesterday from Villanova's School of Law.

Congrats to him, his lady friend, and his family.

Read more.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

GOOD GOD! That’s The Iconoclast’s music!

Well, I’m back. Exams have left me a battered and broken man, but I have returned. And this time, I’ve brought even more opinions with me.

I decided that, in lieu of a Derek-Jeter-is-not-a-great-player diatribe, that I’d throw together a 10 Ten Greatest Wrestlers of All Time List. By all time, I’m naturally referring to the span of 20 years or so that I’ve followed wrestling. Much like Fergie, I’m ready to get this started (and possibly retarded).

Ric Flair – WHOOOOO! I absolutely love this guy. As head of the Four Horsemen, he delivered many a merciless beatdown to the likes of Sting, Lex Luger, and David Flair (his son). My favorite Flair angle has to be when he released pictures of himself spending “some quality time” by the pool with Randy Savage’s wife. The highlight of my life was meeting The Nature Boy AND Randy Savage by the Beach and Yacht Club’s pool in Disney with my dad. Not understanding that he was just in the presence of greatness, my dad only remarked that he looked “somewhat effeminate” in person.

Roddy Piper – Roddy Piper was always a very intense guy. A typical Piper rant would go something like this: “Bret Hart. I remember when you was young and were about knee-high to a grasshopper. You were so cute and I remember that everyday I’d take you down into your dad’s dungeon and beat the ever-living tar out of you.” I’m not sure what’s worse: that someone actually said that or that I remember it from 14 years ago? (Wrestlemania VIII, btw.)

The Undertaker – Now this guy was super-badass. He showed up at the Survivor Series in 1990 and proceeded to eat Dusty Rhodes’ soul. It’s been all magic ever sine. A favorite storyline of his is when he died circa 1994 and ascended into the heaven, which was located somewhere in the rafters of the Providence Civic Center. Thankfully, he was resurrected a few months later (just in time for SummerSlam) and defeated himself to assert his own self-dominance or whatever.

Randy Savage – Whether it was sneak-attacking an Elvis impersonator, pimping Slim Jims (SNAP INTO IT), or getting taken apart by Peter Parker in Spiderman, no one was more consistently wily than the Macho Man. He had wild eyes and a magnificent beard. It kind of makes me sad to think of how far his career could have gone had his lady, Miss Elizabeth, not allowed herself to get repeatedly captured by the Honky Tonk Man and the Million Dollar Man. I’m also pretty sure that he was the first person I ever heard say ‘SON OF A BITCH.’

Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love – I don’t have the words to express how much I loved this guy. He’s best known for taking a fantastic amount of pain in the ring, but he’s also an accomplished author. His fall through a steel cage in 1998 prompted Jim Ross to utter these immortal words: “That’s it. He’s dead.”

Hulk Hogan – For all you Iconomaniacs out there, I need you to listen to me, brutha. I hate this guy.

Shawn Michaels – Gotta love the Heartbreak Kid. I’ve never fully recovered from his treacherous attack on Marty Jannetty in 92 and threw Jannetty threw a barber shop window. Around 94 or so, he was also in the WWF’s first ladder match with Razor Ramon (one of my favorite xenophobia-inspired superstars).

Bret Hart – This guy was really proud to be Canadian. He loved Canada so much that he hated America. This guy was also really old school and hated the entertainment aspect of wrestling. This is why he probably spent the latter half of his career trying to sabotage Shawn Michaels. I did love this guy though. For years, I thought I was a really cool dude with my Bret Hart hot pink wraparounds. On a related note, I was also single during this period.

The Ultimate Warrior – Okay. He had absolutely no talent and was jacked up on more juice than Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire combined, but I will tell you that he had the coolest entrance of all time. There’d be this loud rock playing over the PA and he’d come running down the aisle at an estimated 87mph. He also had this weird thing where he’d employ the aid of his warrior gods during each match. He was a true legend.

Steve Austin – This guy was a beer-drinking, redneck. He also swore a lot. It goes without saying that I absolutely loved this guy.

Read more.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Random Linkage - Live Mario

From the file of random videos and other stuff:

Live Mario - Some people at Gordon College did an awesome job with this. Have I ever mentioned I'm a video game fan?

Now There's Two of Him - Those of you who have wondered what President Bush actually thinks can now find out, as he and an impersonator speak at the recent White House Correspondents Dinner.

David Copperfield's Twin - I think the title speaks for itself.

World War II R0X0RS! - Those of you who have played real time strategy games may appreciate this. Those who haven't may also appreciate it. (Warning: Language may not be suitable for those who can't handle alternate spellings of swears)

This Be How We Smrt Peeps Think - How do Americans really see the world? Come find out from this map.

Read more.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Character Counts

Outside of the entire steroid scandal, and tainting of all records over the last 7 years, no one likes Barry Bonds because he's a Jackass. He's constantly disgruntled with the media, too busy for any potential fans, and has a long track record of disparaging teammates and other players. Add this sparkling personality into someone who has cheated the record books and you've got Barry.

I'm of the ilk his, and all steroid records, shouldn't count and that he shouldn't be admitted to the hall. In my mind if the greatest hitter the game has ever seen can be bared from the hall for off field betting, a guy who cheated On The Field, ought to be barred as well. However, that sparks a much larger argument then the point I'm trying to make. Bonds is a Jackass and if I was pitching against him I would aim squarely for that ailing right knee on every pitch. Case in point, here's a brief description of what transpired last night after Bonds' press conference.

"On his way out of the press room he encountered Carlos Oliveras, the proud owner of home run ball No. 713. Oliveras, a 25-year-old Puerto Rico native, is serving at McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey. He nabbed the Bonds ball after it ricocheted off the McDonalds sign, and held it between his legs until the frenzy abated. Oliveras asked Bonds to autograph the baseball. Bonds declined, but consented to a photograph."

Thanks so much Barry for allowing the Puerto Rican serviceman to grace a photograph with you, sorry the autograph was too much trouble, well it was either that or the serviceman wouldn't cough up 500 bucks to sign the ball (or whatever bonds is charging now adays).

So here's a big "suck it" right back at you Bonds, hopefully your millions can cure the arthritus in your knee, and the lonely hole in your heart.

Read more.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Boys Club


And fond goodbye to Hootie Johnson who has decided to retire at age 75. If you don't know Hootie, he was the chairman of Augusta National Golf Club Georgia and The Masters. Hootie will forever be remembered as the man who successfully faught off an attempt by Martha Burk who wanted Augusta to admit female members. Hootie was successfully able to keep something sacred in a world of continuing degredation. A world where everything is integrated and everybody has a chance, there remains somthing that says "No we're men only, go knit". Now before anyone jumps off a ledge at my comments I'm the biggest democrat and equal rights advocate you'll find anywhere near this blog. That said, letting women into The Masters is like letting little boys join The Girl Scouts of America, it just doesn't make any sense. There are thousands of private country clubs within the U.S. that all allow female members, so here's to Augusta, holding back something that even a place called the Citadel could not.

The following picture was taken at Martha Burk's rally pay special attention to the orange sign.

Read more.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Moussaoui to die, but not for another 50-60 years

In case you had heard, a federal judge sentenced Zacarias Moussaoui to life in prison. I am sure there are many mixed emotions about this punishment, I write to say that this is the best outcome. Now, I have no blanket opposition to capital punishment, and I do think it can be effectively applied. Even still, there should be no negative feelings about Moussaoui living out his life in a federal supermax.

1) The Moussaoui trial is about more than one terrorist. It gave their entire a movement a very public voice in global media for the past year or so. It feels as if a day never passed without hearing one of Moussaoui's colorful outbursts, and today was no exception. If he were sentenced to death, we'd have to hear another 10 or so years of Moussaoui in appeals, post-conviction relief petitions, and so on. In a federal supermax, he will spend the rest of his life in relative silence.

2) This verdict displayed some sort of compassion in our justice system. Admittedly, capital punishment for a convicted terrorist is morally more defensible than flying jet liners into innocent commuters. Nevertheless, the simpler message goes like this: "you killed to get your point across, we didn't." That's something that everyone will understand.

3) Supermax is a hellhole. Mr. Moussaoui will spend 23 hours a day in a 8x6 concrete box, and will be fed through a slot in the door. If you think he should suffer, he definitely will.

Read more.

Jeter: Overrated

One of my favorite sites to check out everyday is One of their most recent entries deals with Derek “The Captain” Jeter. Apparently, someone on the planet claimed that he was overrated and the blog’s authors don’t like it.

Now, I hate Derek Jeter. You all know this. So, I must comment. Just for giggles let’s compare his numbers with Michal “The Unheralded” Young of the Texas Rangers. Both play short and both are about the same age. Over the last three seasons, here’s how these guys stack up in terms of OPS:

The Captain

2005 – .839
2004 – .823
2003 – .843

The Unheralded

2005 – .898
2004 – .836
2003 – .785

Both are pretty good. As of late, you have to give an advantage to Michael Young. Now, here’s some even more impressive numbers:

The Captain’s Salary – $20,000,000
Unheralded’s Salary – $3,075,000

I’m no stat geek or anything. But one of those numbers is exceptionally higher than the other. With the amount of money that you save with Young, King George would be able to overpay Jaret Wright, Kyle Farnsworth, AND Ron Villone. This may look real bleak for the Captain, but fret not Yankee Fan. The Captain does blow Young away in several statistical categories.

The Captain

GFP (Gratuitous Fist Pumps) – 947.5
UDIS (Unnecessary Dives Into the Stands) – 37
TANG (Intangibles) – 453.68

The Unheralded

GFP – 13
UDIS – 0
TANG – 107

Obviously, these stats show a huge advantage for Derelique. Out of a possible score of 453.72, Jeter has a magnificent 453.68 (second only to David Eckstein and Scott Podsednik). Michael Young falls woefully short in this column with a below-league average 107 (comparables include David Wells, Chistian Guzman, and Nick Punto).

Read more.

Sports Mount Rushmore

While watching Mike & Mike in the morning, on ESPN 2 yesterday they had an interesting segment. Who would be your sports Mount Rushmore, meaning from the 4 major sports, Football, Baseball, Hockey, and Basketball. Who would you classify as the four ultimate Icon or greatest players/figures from their respective sport. A fairly interesting thought so why not throw it out there. Also bonus points will be awarded for lack of homers.

Lets start with the easy one: Baseball, Babe Ruth

Your answer here has to be Babe Ruth, a man that not only transcended the game, but time which I feel is an even harder accomplishment. Not to mention he's second all time in home runs and won 94 games over his career as a starting pitcher, including one 24 win season. NO ONE will Ever be able to lay claim to the body of work that Babe does. A not so distant second would have to be Jackie revision however when you compare what they did as players your still left with Ruth. Next topic

A less easy choice but still obvious: Hockey, Gordie Howe

This guy played from 1945 until 1980, are you kidding me? It's a toss up here for me between him and Gretzky but I'll give the nod to the man who played for 35 years.

Now the waters get muddy: Basketball, Michael Jordan

Basketball has had so many changes in the game since it's inception. It is a far cry from it's beginnings in almost every aspect of the game. If I were to pick who I felt made the biggest change in the game I would say Wilt, but if I'm going one name, one face from the sport, it may be a reflection of my generation but I have to say Jordan. The definition of a great player is within their ability to make others around them better. Jordan was the best at this, with Jordan Tony Kukoc was able to score 20 a game, this player averaged about 5 per game playing with A.I who I feel is a top 50 player, but it is a small example that shows exactly who the king was and is.

The best for last: Football, Jerry RIce

Football is the hardest due to the nature of the game. It is truly a unit of 11 men who when moving correctly all together are successful. However the point of the game is to score touchdowns Jerry RIce scored more touchdowns than any other player to ever step on the field. He was able to dominate like no other at his position or any other position for that matter. He transcended the game by making a type of offense successful that is seen across the league now. This is the sport where I expect to see the largest spread, but how do you separate Joe Montana from Johnny Unitas, Jim Brown from Barry sanders, Lawrence Taylor from Reggie White. I do it by realizing none of them scored more touchdowns than Jerry.

Read more.

Let them build it

Is THIS what is causing all the controversy??

About a year ago, members of Villanova University's Villanovans for Life decided it would be nice to erect a small statue to memorialize the babies lost through abortions, as well as the women suffering because of abortions. The idea is not original: the campuses of both Fransiscan University in Ohio and the University of Notre Dame have similar monuments. After a VERY successful fundraising campaign (which exceeded their goal of $20,000), these students put the idea to the Board of Trustees at Villanova.

Of course, there has been opposition. Some claim that the statue will only make women who have had abortions uncomfortable. Others have argued that is a roadblock to diversity at Villanova. Most surprisingly, however, the most effective resistance to the monument has come from the Board of Trustees itself.

The Board has punted on the issue, deferring decision under September. While opposition from left-leaning columnists and college students can always be expected, the Board's own reluctance is particularly unfortunate.

I will say this once, and say it forcefully: VILLANOVA IS A CATHOLIC SCHOOL. Higher education in this country is its most healthy when students have a broad range of options when choosing a school. These options should include (among other things) large universities and small colleges, private and public, as well as schools that maintain particular traditions and backgrounds. Universities should exault their unique backgrounds and traditions, not hide them. And at this point in our history, Catholic tradition has a great deal to offer by adding to the abortion debate. By opposing this monument, the Board of Trustees is effectively saying, "it's all right if you want to be pro-life on this campus, just don't advertise it."

This attitude is not only appalling, it's spineless. Not that the Board did not reject the idea; that would certainly alienate a LARGE portion of Villanova's alumni base and probably threaten fundraising. Instead, they hope that the idea will go away. They hope that the agitators will gradate, and their replacements will be less motivated. The Board hopes it will never have to make a decision.

I renew the cry that began this post: Let them build it. If they don't, I'm sure I won't be the only alumnus who will find better uses for his money.

Read more.

Courtesy of the Future Mrs. Cannon

The Future Mrs. Cannon sent over links to a couple of amusing Red Sox-related stories, found on The Onion:

1. In case you didn't think that Pedro Martinez was crazy enough...

2. The final out of the 2004 World Series was made by then-Red-Sox-first-baseman Doug Mientkiewicz. Mientkiewicz was traded away shortly thereafter, and he took the World Series ball with him. Much hoopla was created around his reluctance to return the ball to the Red Sox. Now, you can read the ball's personal story.

Read more.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Vince Mcmahon vs. Jerry Jones

From the desk of The Ultimate Weapon:

In an effort to step up while the big boys are working hard on their finals, I pose this question: is it possible Vince McMahon and Jerry Jones were separated at birth? I was well entrenched in my draft coverage this weekend when late Sunday afternoon Jerry Jones pops on the screen in an interview with Ed Werder. And in that interview it struck me that Jerry had definitely been hitting the weight room (maybe the juice bar?). Much like McMahon later in his life who has been seen in the ring over the course of the last 10 years. So we have two extremely eccentric rich franchise owners, who have flaming grey hair, and apparently like to hit the juice.

Separated at birth, you decide...

Read more.

The Day the Red Sox Locked Up the Division

The Red Sox have reacquired, through a trade, Doug Mirabelli. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Who will the Sox acquire next? Could Lou Merloni be on the horizon? How about Brandon Lyon and David McCarty? Dare I say, Cesar Crespo?

In all seriousness news, this is great for the team. Here are some interesting points on this earth-shattering bit of news:

  1. Doug Fatandsmelly can catch a knuckleball. This may not sound like a big deal. But on my car ride home the other night, Josh Bard had FOUR PASSED BALLS. The prospect of having to catch Wakefield was so demoralizing that it actually forced John Flaherty into retirement (that or not being very good at baseball).
  2. Doug does not wear batting gloves. Two years ago this would have meant nothing to me. Unfortunately, through Moises Alou and Jorge "Metrosexual Pinocchio" Posada, we've learned that players who don't wear batting gloves toughen up their hands by urinating on them (to avoid blisters). As if you didn't have enough reasons before to not want to touch Dougie before.
  3. He's very fat and so am I.
  4. He's a pretty ridiculous guy. My favorite Mirabelli moment was during a game up in Toronto at night, he had on his eye-black and and shin guards...for a game that he wasn't starting. That's right. Eye-black at night in a dome.

Welcome back.

Read more.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Who wouldn't want to draft a guy named 'Frostee'?

So I’ve been buried with school work for the last two weeks and I haven’t been able to post. The good news is that after May 8th, I’ll be a free man and I can get back to mocking Derek and The Phanatic, letting y’all know about absurd holidays, and pictures of bears attacking people.

As for right now, in honor of the NFL draft, I thought I’d put up my favorite names of some of the gentlemen drafted. Just for fun, seven of the names are not from the draft. Post a comment and guess which ones they are. [The picture in this post is a BIG HINT.]

Jeremy Trueblood
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Stephen Gostkowsky
Dutch Lombrowsky
Winston Justice
Peter Sarsgaard
Frostee Rucker
Garth Holliday
Joe Toledo
John McCargo
Joseph Klopfenstein
Quinn Sypniewski
Gauvin Manluvr-Lidledik
Broderick Bunkley
Champ Kind
Roman Harper
Nick Mangold
Wes Mantooth
D’Qwell Jackson
Moon Unit Zappa
Laurence Maroney
Jonathan Joseph
Elvis Dumervil

Read more.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

National High Five Day

I love stupid fake holidays. I love high fives. I love National High Five Day. Here's some great high fives and respek knuckles shots.

Read more.

NBA Owners Do the Darnedest Things

If you went to Sixers Fan Appreciation Night this past week, you would have been treated to a starting line-up consisting of Stephen Hunter, Samuel Dalembert, Andre Iguodala, Kevin Ollie, and Willie Green. If you showed up wanting to Allen Iverson (in his last game as Sixer most likely) or Chris Webber (who wants to see C-Webb?), you must have been pretty disappointed. There are a thousand reasons to be upset with the management of the Sixers. In the case of Samuel Dalembert, there are 62 MILLION reasons to be disappointed with the franchise. This takes things to new heights.

This shafting in Philly is a stark contrast to what happened last night in Dallas at the Mavericks Fan Appreciation Night. Mavs owner Mark Cuban gave everyone who attended the game a voucher for A FREE FLIGHT from American Airlines. Yowsers. As someone who’s been to a lot of sporting events lately, I’ve unfortunately become desensitized to the reality of $6 beers, $5 pretzels, and every other overpriced item that’s sold in stadiums throughout the land.

I salute Cuban for getting it. It’s good to see an owner who smart enough to realize that the best way to keep fans coming is to put out a great product and, on occasion, sweeten the pot for fans who do show up.

Read more.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Salary Gap

I had to go down this road, beacuse it can't be talked about enough. For years now Yankee's fan biggest defense to the bloated over the top payroll has been. "Well the Red Sox are second and they spend a lot too!" Great stuff Yankees fan, problem is your still preventing facts from getting in the way of your arguments.

The Yankees payroll for 2006 will be $199,000,000 (approx) while the Red Sox will be number 2 at $120,000,000. The Yankees have created a gap of $79,000,000 between themselves and their nearest competitor in salary. This gap is the same as the gap between The Red Sox and the Colorago Rockies (28th in payroll) at $41,000,000.

Also, the Red Sox are by no means on an island with their $120,000,000 payroll. The Dodgers, Mets, Cubs and Angels and the "small ball" White Sox all come in within 20% of the $120,000,000. History has shown that through trades and aquisitions throughout the year, 20% is a reasonable variance for a club in a one year span.

Within twenty percent of the Yankees,. Noone, $143,000,000 is the cutoff for the twenty percent rule. No team is within $20,00,000 of that figure.

The Red Sox and playing the role of a big market team and trying to compete. The Yankees truly are trying to buy their rings, and are failing miserably. Until they get within that 20% they will always just be buying their rings.

Think of this. How would the Red Sox do if their club played the Rockies, Pirates and Royals all year (all are the payroll gap equivalant of Red Sox and Yankees.) But the Yankees never do that well, not even close. But why?

They have spent very, very poorly on individual players. Of the top 15 players paid for the 2006 season, 5 of them are Yankees, only 1 of them are Red Sox.

Looking further, there are 30 MLB teams and if everything were equal (which it is not) each team should "theoretically" have one player in the top thirty. No other team has more than 2. The Yankees have 7. The Red Sox have only Ramirez and Schilling in the top 30. The Yankees have Rodriguez, Jeter, Giambi, Johnson, Mussina, Damon and Matusi.

The Yankees further have the top 3 salaries in all of baseball for 2006:

Rodriguez: $25,680,727
Jeter: $20,600,000
Giambi: $20,428,571

Lets spend a minute on Jeter, who typifies the Yankee methodology of grossly overpaying for an above average player. I pick him because, if anyone is worth $25,000,000 (and no one is) ARod has the numbers to back it up. Giambi has been hurt, otherwise he too could have been a perrenial MVP, (albeit an overpaid one at that)

Jeter is making more than the following players (who are all superior to him offensively) and I think we have spent enough time explaining that he is at best a "C" defense player to eliminate that from the equation:

Bonds, Ramirez, Helton, Thome, Pujols, Del Gado, Beltran, Ortiz, Guerrero, Ichiro, Konerko, Tejada.

That is 12 players who are better than Jeter, none of whom crack the $20,000,000 a year mark, but for some inexplicable reason Jeter does. Is it cluth? See Ortiz. Is it defense? See Ichiro and Guerrero. Is it power? See almost any of the above. Best at his posistion? See Tejada.

We are so quick to slap an asterick on Barry Bonds on all his records past and present. The Yankees, however, are committing a crime against baseball by playing the game like this. They are all a bunch of frauds and don't deserve to win. All their championships, with a payroll that high should be slapped with a similar asterick. Sure they are playing within the rules, but that doesn't make it right.

I respect the Yankees from the late 90s. They won with a high payroll, but did it within a margin. They had a philospohy of signing middle of the road free agents who were good players all around. They had a deep and strong bullpen adn would make the games much shorter and would have starters who could consistenly go 7 innings and were durable and consistnet.

This is the formula that the Red Sox and trying to develop in their organization, and are doing it pretty well. Just look at the upcoming prospects and you will see what I mean.

Above, is not just sour grapes. Hey we beat them. It is instead a plea, a plea for Yankees fans to wake up. A plea for them never to say "Its only April" a plea never to make BS arguments about payroll being "what it is" a plea for them to recognize that their bleoved son is one of the most overpaid players in all of baseball. It is a plea for some sanity and some peace.

Read more.

Pennsylvania Criminalizes Eco-Terrorism

Today, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania announces stiffer penalties for criminal acts committed in the name of eco-terrorism. The new law does not create any new crimes, but merely increases penalties for offenses like arson, criminal mischief, and vandalism when those crimes are committed to intimidate people who participate in lawful activities involving plants, animals, and natural resources.

I have mixed emotions about this one. On one hand, tougher statutory penalties keep judges from going easy on a defendant because they may agree about animal rights, etc. At the same time, I worry whether such legislation will desensitize people over terrorism, and trivialize the global war on terror.

Read more.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ferocity: It's Sweeping the Nation!

One of my favorite things is this galaxy and all others is semi-arbitrary rankings. So this site is like candy for me. This guy basically ranked each major city by the ferocity of their team’s nicknames. I’m proud to announce that Boston has an average fearsomeness score of 1 (the site explains further). Just for perspective, New York got a 1.5 and Philly got a .3.

Read more.

Friday, April 14, 2006

PC News: Fr. Brendan is the new McPhail

Dateline, Providence (go Friars!): Former PC Chaplain Fr. Brendan Murphy has been assigned back to PC. Fr. Brendan will not be chaplain again, but instead will be the Vice President for Student Services.

Translation: Fr. Brendan is to become the new McPhail.

While while some may have had question marks about Fr. Brendan being chaplain, I think that VP for Student Services is the perfect place for him. I can think of no one better to succeed Fr. McPhail, and to carry on his work.

Read more.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Take back the night...from ninjas.

Well, it’s been a solid two days since I’ve made a ninja reference, so I’m due. Apparently some college sophomore was returning from a Ninja v. Pirate party and encountered, of course, several ATF agents. Now, it’s important to note here that he did the opposite of what a true ninja would: he ran away. If there’s one rule that they follow over at the ATF, it’s that anytime a guy in a ninja outfit runs away from you, he’s almost certainly a terrorist. At this point, the agents introduced this guy’s grill to the asphalt with a knee. A poster on the site's discussion board somes it up best:

Ninjas are essential for the health of humanity. ATF needs to get a clue...because Chuck Norris could be lurking to bring down the government with a series of roundhouse kicks.
Geoff Sandels
Mortgage Banker

Read the whole story here.

Read more.

Death to King George!

The Yankees are dead in the water. Their record is a paltry 3-4. Now, that’s not going to hold up, but I absolutely love the thought of them not making the play-offs. Towards that end, here's a little bit of analysis from the folks over at Sportszilla.

Go Sawx!

Read more.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


For giggles, I decided that I’d throw out the 2005 VORP stat for the Red Sox and Yanks. Most of you have lives and don’t know what VORP means. It’s short for Value Over Replacement Player. Basically, it’s a measure of how much more (or less) a specific player gives at a position over what a marginal player (i.e. minor leaguer or veteran scrub) would.


1B: Kevin Youkilis – NA
2B: Mark Loretta – 16.6
3B: Mike Lowell – 2.5
SS: Alex Gonzalez – 14.4
C: Jason Varitek – 45.6
LF: Manny Ramirez – 68.6
CF: Coco Crisp – 39.3
RF: Trot Nixon – 21.6
DH: David Ortiz – 85.8


1B: Jason Giambi – 58.4
2B: Robinson Cano – 27.5
3B: Alex Rodriguez – 99.7 (Yikes)
SS: Derek Jeter – 66.3
C: Jorge Posada – 32.6
LF: Hideki Molesuey – 53.0
CF: Johnny Damon – 49.2
RF: Gary Sheffield – 56.5
DH: Bernie Williams – 7.3

Thanks to the Baseball Prospectus for these numbers.

Read more.

NEWS FLASH: Bunny takes over entire town.

"It is a massive thing. It is a monster. The first time I saw it, I said: 'What the hell is that?'"

He's not talking about Barry Bonds, my darlings. He's talking about this bunny. If you've read this blog for any amount of time you know that I absolutely love any story about "funny" animals, like bears, penguins, ninjas, and bunnies. This is the best story since that mom fought off a polar bear.

Read more.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Thoughts from the Weekend

Cards-Phils: I got out to my first baseball game on Thursday night. The Phillies lost, but I eat about $47.69 of food and got a free blanket for signing up for a credit card that I’ll never use. The highlight was getting reacquainted with the joy of an ice cream sundae that comes in a miniature, baseball cap. There are few pleasures in this world as satisfying as eating ice cream out of a plastic hat. By my count, I’ll be visiting a minimum of six ball parks this year and you can count on me getting a mini-ball cap sundae at each of them.

Celtics-Sixers Game: So I found myself very bored on Friday night after a long day of studying and decided that I’d go and watch my beloved C’s play the Sixers. It was a great back-and-forth game, which the Green eventually won. What really struck me about the whole experience was the amount of crap that was played over the speaker during the game. There was little something always going on and I mean this is the worst way possible. They even have this stupid chime for every time that someone made a free-throw. The only bit of noise that was entertaining was a dance-off between a bunch of fat guys and some lady-dancers.

Read more.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Be a Philadelphia Phan for a Day

My goal this summer is to go to as many baseball games as I can afford. My first one is today. I’ll be watching the Phillies square off against the Cardinals. I’m not a diehard fan of either team, but I will be rooting for the Phillies. I guess that makes me a Philly fan for a day and I thought that it would be fun to share what goes into to being one.

Have lots of “passion”: Philly fans love to talk about their passion for their sports teams. They really love their teams. Not love in the sense that most people think of it, but love in the way that Orenthal loved his ex-wife and waiters.

Set Wildly High Expectations: This is very important. We’ve already established that they love their teams, it now becomes essential that you put all your hopes and dreams into their success. What’s success? A championship. If your son didn’t bring home straight A+’s and date the most attractive and popular girl in his class, you’d be pissed. You’d be so pissed that you’d probably...

Boo lustily: I once saw an ESPN documentary on the “love” of Philly fans that summed up their mentality pretty well: “A true Philadelphia fan learns how to boo before he learns how to walk.” Remember that you love your team so much that you’re unwilling to accept failure in any form. You need to convey to the players how much you love them. The boo is the best way to do that.

Harass other fans: I’ve made the mistake of wearing my Tedy Bruschi jersey out in public down here. I once went down a football tailgate before an Eagles game and wore my beloved #54. Before I even got out of the car I started getting yelled out. Let’s just say that the jersey came off. Here’s something else important: when you spot a fan of another team, you must start an Eagles chant. Even if you’re at a baseball game.

Know the Eagles Cheer: Yes, they have a cheer. It’s real simple. (Unless you’re drunk.)


That’s it.

There is no middle ground: If you’re a fan in Philadelphia, you’re a religious zealot. What this should tell you is that there is no gray area. Either one of the four teams will lead you to the salvation that will come with a championship or not. There is no enjoyment in the ride.

Read more.

Links: Jesus is a smart dude

D-Lo’s Bad Day – My most cherished moments as a Red Sox fan was Derek Lowe’s performance in Game Four of the 2004 ALCS. It was masterful mix of hope overcoming despair and triumph in the face of defeat. Unfortunately, things have not been so good for him as of late. He got shellacked on Monday by the Braves and his wife is leaving him. Even worse, his divorce papers have seeped onto the internet. To top it all off, in news that surprises no one, he has a significant drinking problem. I hope that he’s able to get his life straightened out.

BREAKING NEWS: JESUS HATES THE YANKEES! – I know it’s true. I read it on a t-shirt.

Know your civil rights! – Apparently, Thursday is Whacky T-Shirt Day. It's absolutely essential that you click this link.

Baby Shower Erupts into Chow-Yun Fat Movie – When baby showers go bad.

Read more.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Cut down the (fish)nets!

After an exhilarating few weeks, this tournament has come to its end. The final game could not have proved to be more exciting. We’re all aware that there is a certain magic to a 5-12 match-up. Every year, there seems to be one 12 upset a 5. The question now becomes: will Sandra Bullock, the 12-seed, be able to stage one final upset against the Curl Girls, the 5 seed? And the final score is...

US Curling Team 67
Sandra Bullock 64

I’m sure that Bullock is beyond inconsolable at this very moment. Now, it is time for our final haiku.

Curl girls, the Victors.
Five Cinderellas on ice.
Who needs the gold?

Read more.