GOOD GOD! That’s The Iconoclast’s music!

Well, I’m back. Exams have left me a battered and broken man, but I have returned. And this time, I’ve brought even more opinions with me.

I decided that, in lieu of a Derek-Jeter-is-not-a-great-player diatribe, that I’d throw together a 10 Ten Greatest Wrestlers of All Time List. By all time, I’m naturally referring to the span of 20 years or so that I’ve followed wrestling. Much like Fergie, I’m ready to get this started (and possibly retarded).

Ric Flair – WHOOOOO! I absolutely love this guy. As head of the Four Horsemen, he delivered many a merciless beatdown to the likes of Sting, Lex Luger, and David Flair (his son). My favorite Flair angle has to be when he released pictures of himself spending “some quality time” by the pool with Randy Savage’s wife. The highlight of my life was meeting The Nature Boy AND Randy Savage by the Beach and Yacht Club’s pool in Disney with my dad. Not understanding that he was just in the presence of greatness, my dad only remarked that he looked “somewhat effeminate” in person.

Roddy Piper – Roddy Piper was always a very intense guy. A typical Piper rant would go something like this: “Bret Hart. I remember when you was young and were about knee-high to a grasshopper. You were so cute and I remember that everyday I’d take you down into your dad’s dungeon and beat the ever-living tar out of you.” I’m not sure what’s worse: that someone actually said that or that I remember it from 14 years ago? (Wrestlemania VIII, btw.)

The Undertaker – Now this guy was super-badass. He showed up at the Survivor Series in 1990 and proceeded to eat Dusty Rhodes’ soul. It’s been all magic ever sine. A favorite storyline of his is when he died circa 1994 and ascended into the heaven, which was located somewhere in the rafters of the Providence Civic Center. Thankfully, he was resurrected a few months later (just in time for SummerSlam) and defeated himself to assert his own self-dominance or whatever.

Randy Savage – Whether it was sneak-attacking an Elvis impersonator, pimping Slim Jims (SNAP INTO IT), or getting taken apart by Peter Parker in Spiderman, no one was more consistently wily than the Macho Man. He had wild eyes and a magnificent beard. It kind of makes me sad to think of how far his career could have gone had his lady, Miss Elizabeth, not allowed herself to get repeatedly captured by the Honky Tonk Man and the Million Dollar Man. I’m also pretty sure that he was the first person I ever heard say ‘SON OF A BITCH.’

Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love – I don’t have the words to express how much I loved this guy. He’s best known for taking a fantastic amount of pain in the ring, but he’s also an accomplished author. His fall through a steel cage in 1998 prompted Jim Ross to utter these immortal words: “That’s it. He’s dead.”

Hulk Hogan – For all you Iconomaniacs out there, I need you to listen to me, brutha. I hate this guy.

Shawn Michaels – Gotta love the Heartbreak Kid. I’ve never fully recovered from his treacherous attack on Marty Jannetty in 92 and threw Jannetty threw a barber shop window. Around 94 or so, he was also in the WWF’s first ladder match with Razor Ramon (one of my favorite xenophobia-inspired superstars).

Bret Hart – This guy was really proud to be Canadian. He loved Canada so much that he hated America. This guy was also really old school and hated the entertainment aspect of wrestling. This is why he probably spent the latter half of his career trying to sabotage Shawn Michaels. I did love this guy though. For years, I thought I was a really cool dude with my Bret Hart hot pink wraparounds. On a related note, I was also single during this period.

The Ultimate Warrior – Okay. He had absolutely no talent and was jacked up on more juice than Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire combined, but I will tell you that he had the coolest entrance of all time. There’d be this loud rock playing over the PA and he’d come running down the aisle at an estimated 87mph. He also had this weird thing where he’d employ the aid of his warrior gods during each match. He was a true legend.

Steve Austin – This guy was a beer-drinking, redneck. He also swore a lot. It goes without saying that I absolutely loved this guy.