Letter From a Nut

While I was home this weekend, I was looking some old books and found Letters from a Nut by Ted Nancy, a real gem. The book is a collection of letters from Nancy to various companies and, on occasion, foreign kings asking zany questions. In one letter, he writes a hotel manager to ask if they had found his Prussian sword that he left in the hotel’s bathroom.

I was assigned to read this book was junior year in high school by my English teacher. Shortly after, everyone in the class had to write their own whacky letter. I chose Fred Thompson, senator and star of Law & Order. When I opened the book this weekend, I found that letter and, without any further ado, here it is.

Dear Senator Fred Thompson:

Hello, fine sir! I’d first like to say that I am a BIG Fred Thompson supporter. I think you are the best senator since Henry “The Great Negotiator” Clay. I hope that you decide to run in 2000. America could use another actor/president.

I would also like to commend you for your fine work in films such as Baby’s Day Out, one of those Die Hard movies, and The Hunt for Red October. I especially enjoyed you in Feds. I have seen that movie many times on TV and it is hysterical. You really brought a new dimension to your character. I’m hoping for a sequel!

I was wondering if you would tell me whether or not you’ll be running for the presidency. If you decide to run, could I be your running mate? I don’t know much about politics or economics, but does the vice-president really need to know any of that kind of stuff? I think not. All he has to do is nod and sometimes go to a funeral. By the way, where was Gore during Diana’s funeral? You should probably look into this.

Although I don’t know all that much about current events, I still think I would be a darn good vice-president. I could be sorta like Joe Six Pack; someone all the American people could relate to. You could say, “Look, this guy is just like you.” They’d probably buy it.

I would be a much better candidate than that crazy, admiral guy that ran with Ross Perot or Jack Kemp. (what’s with that guy’s hair?) I am also fairly confident that I could beat Al Gore in a debate. I’d just deny everything. Then I’d say, “Me and Fred,” we’d be on a first name basis “will do some pretty good stuff that will be good for the country.” Then they’d all applaud cause, hey, they love us. We are their heroes.

I’d like to close by thanking you. Thank your for reading this letter and taking the time to hear my case. I would also like to thank you for going after that no good, hillbilly Clinton. I hope that they impeach that commie. I look forward to hearing from you, Fred!

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While My Laptop Gently Weeps

Long post, but there should be something for everyone.

Blogmaverick: The most interesting aspect of these NBA Finals isn’t the phenomenal basketball that’s being played by both teams. It’s the utter insanity of Mark Cuban. In his most recent blog entry, Cuban basically talks about how much he enjoys swearing and hates the press. He also manages to swear at the press.

Flaming Pie: This past Sunday marked the 64th birthday of Paul McCartney. If this birthday is significant, it’s because of the classic McCartney tune “When I’m 64,” which is found on LSD-inspired Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club. It’s a wonderfully silly song that only Sir Paul could pull off.

Movie Notes: It’s almost July and I’ve seen three movies: Over the Hedge, the Da Vinci Code, and X-Men 3. Sadly, the best of the lot was actually Over the Hedge, which was pretty funny and kinda cute (or at least it would be cute, if I were the kind of guy who used the word ‘cute’). The Da Vinci Code was easily the worst of the bunch. It was slow and plodding and contained zero action. As for X-Men, I was wildly disappointed. The bar was set pretty high by the second installment of the series and this one just wasn’t as good.

Debauchery: I have a new favorite web site. Everyone knows athletes love to party. Now, a site memorializes some great moments in bad decision making by those athletes. The best set of pics include Steve Nash (showing off his chest hair and the other with The Dirk). Good times.

Sports Talk Watch: Talk radio is pretty awful. Yet, I listen. About a week ago (i.e. I should have mentioned this about a week ago), I was listening to Mike & the Mad Dog discuss Roger Federer’s defeat at the hands of some guy named Nadal at the French Open. Apparently, Nadal has beaten Federer a couple of times on clay surfaces. Either way, Mike and “The Dog” started talking about his this needs to become a major rivalry, but it’ll only happen if Federer publicly acknowledges that Nadal is his rival. I guess that makes sense, but then these guys started going on for about 10 minutes how Federer ABSOLUTELY MUST DO THIS SOON.

That begs the question: what kind of rivalry bequeathing ceremony do these guys have in mind? Ideally, Federer would hold a big press conference and make thinly-veiled threats against those Nadal loves. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes or so thinking of the possibilities. The best scenario that I can come up with is Federer putting a pumpkin on the table with ‘Nadal’ scribbled on it and then stabbing it with an ice pick.

Good Times: The other night I got to hang out a Bennigan’s in Jersey. There isn’t a better place in the world to drink heavily. I wasn’t able to drink because of the whole driving thing, but my partner in crime drank enough for both of us. In fact, she probably drank enough for a small, Asian family. Either way, you won’t find a better mix of delicious sandwiches (Monte Cristos), drink specials, and $6 shots of Kettle One.

Trivia: In what not-so-famous comedy did Bill Pullman say: “Stolen beers taste better.”

Don’t be hatin: I come down pretty hard on conservatives any time they cross the line in attacking the left. (See my Ann Coulter tirade.) Of course, we conservatives don’t have a monopoly on stupid and embarrassing comments. A friend of mine, who happens to be pretty liberal, recently posted on her blog some pretty foolish comments about Republicans. Here’s a taste:

All day I am worked into a blind rage and a sense of hopelessness when I hear
about all of the horrible things George Bush and other immoral Republicans like
him, have commited. [sic]

I think "My God has everyone in this country
lost all sense of what is moral and just?"

Then I turn on Comedy Central
at 11:00 and I am saved by the great and wise John [sic] Stewart...

After someone AGREES WITH HER in the comments section, she goes on to call the anonymous poster a “small-minded bigot.” Aside from calling Jon Stewart ‘wise,’ this is a pretty baffling post. Aside from not mentioning anything immoral that the President has done, she just kind of throws it out there.

I don’t really have anything specific to say about the actual post, but a question: why has politics become so polarized? Now, there are important debates that need to happen and they probably need to get a little heated. In fact, I love a knock-down-drag-out debate as much as the next guy. The problem is when it becomes an us-against-them on everything.

What I’m reading (and I’m not talking about apartment listings): Collapse by Jared Diamond.

What I’m listening to: The Beatles Anthology Part 3.

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NBA FINALS: IT'S WADE-TACULAR!

I’m not gonna lie to you. During the fourth quarter of tonight’s game three, I was flipping back and forth between the game and *GULP* National Treasure. Yep. A Nic Cage movie. With about eight minutes left in the game, I actually decided to check out IMDB.com to see where that blonde chick in the movie was from. (Troy, by the way.)

Having burnt out on National Treasure, I made the decision to watch the end of the Heat’s season. I was mostly interested in how much Pat Riley would whine. Down by 13 with a little over six minutes left, business began to pick up. Dwayne Wade proceeded to go absolutely insane for the next four minutes or so. I don’t have the specific stats, but I’m pretty sure he scored 37 points during that final stretch. (Actually, it was 15.)

Let’s just put Wade’s performance in perspective. He tied a career-high with 42 points. The last guy to score 40+ points in the NBA finals was Shaq in 2002 against Hitler’s favorite team, the New Jersey Nets. He also mixed in a career-high rebounding total with 13. It’s also significant that a large chunk of those points and a key rebound came in the fourth quarter while down huge.
At this point, I’m just rooting for a competitive series. I did pick the Mavs to win, and still think that Mavs hoist the trophy, but I’m much more interested in a fun bunch of games at this point. As an added bonus, I’m now going to watch the end of National Treasure.

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Aren't all women harpies?

Here’s a smattering from Ann Coulter for your reading pleasure. The following are quotes about four women from New Jersey who lost their husbands on September 11th who have recently come into the news for criticizing President Bush.

"And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies?”

"I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."
Needless to say, Ann Coulter is insane. What’s really amazing is that people buy into her and, even worse, find her attractive. Quick side note: I’ve seen this broad in person and she is not too easy on the eyes. There is absolutely no way she weighs more than 93lbs. Even if I were given the opportunity to nail her, I’d have to pass over concerns of getting a paper cut on my schlong.

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Curse you!

Don't have much time to post today, but I didn't want to let another day pass without posting something. I've decided that I should share an old Mexican curse:

"May your life be filled with lawyers."

For those of you who have an inkling on why I'm posting this today, say a prayer for Johnny Bear.

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Dr. E's Latest

If you're a Friar, you probably know Dr. Esolen. If you don't know the man, it is impossible for me to describe him. Either way, you should check out his latest article. As always, it's a fantastic read.

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Short Time

Every so often, a movie comes along that grabs you by your short hairs, points a finger in your face and says “I am here to change your world view.” Today, I have seen such a film. I speak, of course, of Short Time.

Wait a second. You’ve never heard of this film? How is it possible that you haven’t seen a movie starring one of the greatest actors of our time? Dabney Coleman. You know Dabney Coleman. He was in 9 to 5 and the Muppets Take Manhattan (pictured above with Carmela the Chicken). Still not ringing a bell? This makes me very mad. I’m so angry about all of this that I may have to fight you.

As enraged as I am, I still have to tell you about this film. The plot is so subtle and nuanced that I am going to have to choose my words carefully. Coleman plays a cop (named Burt Simpson – really) who is just two weeks from retirement when he learns that, uh oh, he’s going to die within a few days. The good news is that he has a pension. The bad news is that his ex-wife and son won’t see a dime of it unless he gets killed in the line of duty. The rest of the movie follows the adventures of Burt Simpson as he tries to get himself killed.

I don’t want to say anymore, lest I ruin the experience for you. I do want to share one more nugget of fantasmic dominance with you. In the midst of a car chase, Burt Simpson is trying to incite a criminal into shooting him and, as the bad guy starts firing, Simpson shouts to no one in particular:

“This is for you, Dougie. You will go to college.”

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