NGAA: Fill out your brackets!

Yesterday belonged to the NCAA and Selection Sunday. Today belongs to the NGAA and Misogyny Monday. The NGAA Tournament decides each year who the National Champion of Ladies is. The Pancake Breakfast is proud to exclusively bring to you its Field of 65. The Selection Committee (Me – with a little help from the Ultimate Weapon) had to make some tough decisions and some deserving ladies are going to have to settle for the N.I.T. (Not Invited to my Tournament). Each Friday I’ll post the results of the end-of-week games and I’ll post the weekend results on Monday.

Quick note on methodology: The scores of each game are determined by a complex formula that relies on seeding. The tournament is organized into four regions with 16 ladies in each region (after the play-in game). Once the seeds are set, the results are completely out of my control. All that’s left if for you to fill out your brackets and, much like Fergie, you’ll be ready to get this started. [THIS IS AN EXPANDABLE POST AND YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO CLICK ‘READ MORE.’]

Play-in Game

Alexis Bledel v. Lacey Chabert – The younger Gilmore Girl faces off against that girl with the squeaky voice from Mean Girls and Party of Five. I was absolutely shocked to find out that Bledel is 24-years old and older than me.

The Los Angeles-Young Actress Region

Rachel McAdams(1 Seed) v. Play-In Winner(16 Seed) – The hottest and funniest actress in Hollywood takes on the play-in cannon fodder.
Natalie Portman(8) v. Kirsten Dunst(9) – Queen Amidala v. Spiderman’s Lady.

Sarah Michelle Gellar(5) v. Alyson Hannigan(12) – Buffy squares off against Willow.
Scarlett Johansen(4) v. Katie Holmes(13) – The Battle of Attainable Hotties. Before Tom Cruise ruined her forever, Katie would have been a one or two seed. Johansen gets big points for not believing in monogamy.

Jessica Alba(6) v. Kate Hudson(11) – Two certifiably gorgeous women. Hudson is probably a little too old for the bracket, but she had to go somewhere.
Keira Knightley(3) v. Brittany Murphy(14) – A classic beauty matches up against an unconventional one. Big fan of Brittany Murphy, by the way. She’s cute and her movies are usually at least watchable.

Elisha Cuthbert(7) v. Amanda Bynes(10) – This one would have gotten me in jail four years ago.
Kate Beckinsale(2) v. Hilary Duff(15) – Beckinsale is hot and British. Duff is very annoying and once dated the little brother of a Backstreet Boy. The only reason Hilary made the cut was so she could get creamed in the first round.

The Milwaukee-Hodgepodge Region

Maria Sharapova(1) v. Gwen Stefani(16) – A couple of years ago the role of hot tennis star who would get the #1 seed would have gone to Anna K. Stefani gets the 16-seed because she has no talent and dates the guy who sang “Machinehead.”
Anna Kournikova(8) v. Gisele Bundchen(9) – The match-up pits a mediocre tennis player against a lady famous for looking good in her underwear. Sets up for a great, second round match-up against Sharapova.

US Curling Team(5) v. Lucy Liu(12) – This is the first spot where you can spot the Selection Committee’s bias. I’d probably cry foul if I wasn’t the Committee. Look for Team Johnson to come out seeking revenge over their 5-to-6 loss to Team Japan in the Olympics.
Jessica Simpson(4) v. Jenna Fischer(13) – Selection bias strikes again. Simpson is an obvious high-seed, but most of you probably have no idea who Jenna Fischer is. Well, she’s the cute secretary from The Office and I dig her. If you don’t like it, you spend 13 hours working on your own damn bracket.

Charlize Theron(6) v. Beyonce Knowles(11) – Theron probably belongs in another bracket, but they were too crowded. The Committee also loves the way that Beyonce shakes her jelly.
Stacey Kiebler(3) v. Shakira(14) – Classic battle of Legs v. Ass.

Barbara Bush(7) v. Kelly Clarkson(10) – The daughter of an American president has snatched herself a seven seed and will take on an American Idol. The American dichotomy was lame and there and I took it.
Tanith Belbin(2) v. Danica Patrick(15) – A battle between two athletes who really aren’t athletes. Also, I love Tanith Belbin and she’s one of the few celebrities where I could definitely kick her husband’s ass (he’s her ice-dancing partner).

The New York Older Lady Region

Kelly Rippa(1) v. Angelina Jolie(16) – Cannon’s favorite lady up against Billy Joe Bob Thornton’s old lady.
Naomi Watts(8) v. Kristin Davis(9) – 8-9 match-ups are always sexy, but this one is ridonkulous. First, we’ve got a classic Blonde-versus-Brunette battle. These ladies have also starred in my least favorite movie (I [heart] Huckabees) and least favorite TV show (Sex and the City) respectively.

Jennifer Connelly(5) v. Sandra Bullock(12) – Two underrated ladies here. Connelly’s got that curvy, freckle-nacity going on. Bullock is just all-around solid.
Nicole Kidman(4) v. Catherine Zeta-Jones(13) – This one really is about two different roads to hotness. Nicole toiled in the shadow of Tom Cruise (he apparently has a history of bringing down ladies). As soon as she dumped him, her hotness exploded and she even gets a little frisky nowadays. Kitty Jones burst onto the scene as an uber-hottie. As soon as she hooked up with the aged Michael Douglas, she lost about 17mph on her fastball.

Halle Berry(6) v. Jennifer Garner(11) – Quick word on Jennifer Garner. The Sports Guy just brought to the world’s attention that Garner is sporting some really, nice post-partum breasts. No real comment. Just wanted to share.
Eva Longoria(3) v. Renee Zellweger(14) – David v. Goliath. Except completely different.

Eva Mendes(7) v. Teri Hatcher(10) – Mendes is the new kid on the block (she was the ditz in Stuck on You). Teri Hatcher is the NGAA Comeback Player of the Year. I also think that Hatcher is a little overrated and probably the #3 hottie on her own show. Huge mismatch.
Ashley Judd(2) v. Lauren Graham(16) – Apparently, all the looks in the Judd family went to Ashley because you can bet dollars-to-pesos that Winona ain’t on this list. Now you’re probably asking, who is Lauren Graham? Well, she’s the older Gilmore Girl and I find her mysteriously alluring.

[Parenthetical Note: Has there been a dumber concept for a show than Gilmore Girls? Graham plays an airhead who got knocked up as a teenager who’s now raising a brainiac daughter. I guess the moral of the show is that an obsessive compulsive child can still bond with her slutty mother. Thanks WB!]

The Philly-Skank Bracket

Heather Graham(1) v. Annette Norberg(16) – If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know who Norberg is. She’s the Skip of the Swedish Curling Team and the Lady Villain of Curling. For whatever reason, I hate her. Setting her up to get pounded by Heather Graham is just my way of slapping back a bit.
Ashley Olsen(8) v. Mary-Kate Olsen(9) – Now this is a match-up. Hands down the easiest selection.

Mariah Carey(5) v. Jennifer Love-Hewitt(12) – Seven years ago, this would have been a 1-2 match-up
Jenna Bush(4) v. Tara Reid(13) – I absolutely love this region and I love this game even more. There’s something about Jenna Bush that drives me wild. It’s probably the mix of her looking like a girl I used to dig and her whiskey-and-cigarettes voice (which is tough to achieve by the age of 24). Also, could there possibly be a cooler father-in-law than Dubya? I’m picturing that he’d be almost as much fun to hang out with as the twins; picture drinking Johnny Walker Blue and go-cart racing every weekend. He probably also knows every possible way to cure a hangover. But, I digress.

Christina Aguilera(6) v. Britney Spears(7) – Before Federline, these seedings would have been reversed. Still an interesting pairing, though.
Jennifer Lopez(3) v. Carmen Electra(14) – What really intrigues me about this match-up is that either one of these ladies has had any semblance of a career. What do they really bring they bring to table? J-Ho has a good, but not great, ass. That’s it. Really. Also, Carmen Electra is utterly and completely devoid of talent. She couldn’t even make a reality show work. Whoever wins this one, I’m predicting that the real losers are the fans.

Paris Hilton(7) v. Nicole Ritchie(10) – Good friends. Better enemies.
Lindsay Lohan(2) Nicky Hilton(15) –Probably the most aesthetically appealing match-up of this region. Love the partying ability that both of these wenches bring to the table.