IconoQuest: My War of Attrtion Against Boredom

What follows is my running diary of the Icono-Quest. Enjoy. [NOTE: THIS IS AN EXPANDABLE POST.]

1:13 – All great journeys must start somewhere. This one starts at CVS. If I’m gonna play like a champion, I’m gonna need the fuel of a champion: Diet Mountain Dew, beef jerky, and smokes.

Off to Camden.

1:38 – Good omen. Just as I was driving over the Ben Franklin, Barry White’s “First, Last, Everything” just came on the radio. This is a very good sign.

1:43 – Arrive at Hank’s, a diver bar in Camden. Ok, now’s a good a time as any to tell you my plan. I figure, with a little luck, I’ll be able to cross off the coffee one (at Starbucks), the booze one (Hank’s is a sure thing), and the public transit task (PATCO into Philly). I should also be able to use the school computer lab to check and see if there are any nearby Chinese restaurants with “dragon” in their names.

1:45 – So far, not so good. It turns out that Hank’s wasn’t a sure thing. They don’t even stock Midouri Mix. Time for a Lager and a minute or two to regroup.

2:10 – Ok, I’ve gotten to the law school’s computer lab. Inside of about 3 minutes I’ve located the Drgaon Palace on 13th Street, which is just a couple of blocks from the PATCO.

Also, there are already numerous posts of encouragement back on the Ol’ Comment Board. Staying very strong.

2:36 – Arrive in Philly via the PATCO. Also means that I’ve just gotten to complete my first task. BOOYAH!

2:51 – Double bonus! There’s a Kay Bee Toy Store in the train station and I’m able to pick up a Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtle Key Chain. Last time I check, those ninja turtles were ninja-related. Let’s make that two items crossed off the ol’ list.

At this point, I think that it’s relatively fair to say that I’m on fucking fire. We should really bring in David Halberstam for historical perspective on what I’ve just accomplished. In 15 minutes, I’ve absolutely asserted my dominance over this whole, scavenger hunt thing. It’s like taking a rattle from a baby.

2:56 – Just missed the chance to cross off the Mullet-Picture-Task...three times. I swear to my Personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I just saw THREE DIFFERENT GUYS with mullets. The problem is that there isn’t really a discreet way to take a picture of a guy’s mullet in a train station/mall. By the time I figure out how to turn off the flash on the camera, it’s too late.

3:10 – Make it three tasks. Just popped into the Dragon Palace and grabbed a take-out menu. Dominance continued.

Even better, there’s a bar right down the street, McGilliam’s. Life is very good.

3:13 – So close. They’ve got Midouri Sours, but they’re $4.25. Oh well, as my alcoholic Uncle Ronnie would say, booze is booze.

3:25 – Guess that the third time isn’t necessarily the charm. Finn McCool’s, although a really awesome bar with an equally hot bartender, sells Midouri Sours for $4.50. Starting to realize that this task may be harder than advertised. I blame Hank’s.

Related note: I’ve now ordered three Midouri Sours and embarrassment has reached new heights.

3:35 – Just went into the Las Vegas Lounge, take off my jacket, plopped my bag on the counter, and ordered a Midouri Sour. Here’s how my exchange with Stacey the Bartender went down.

Me: Um, I’ll have a Midouri Sour.
[Awkward silence]
Stacey: Really?
Me: Yeah...it’s...um...part of this scavenger hunt thing...
Stacey: How will they know that you drank it?
Me: I’ve got a camera.

At this point, the gears are really grinding. She takes the picture with my new friends who, amazingly enough, are already drunk. I also had to promise the woman in the picture that it wouldn't end up on the internet. Whoops. When I ask what I owe her for my less-than-manly-drink, she tells me that it’s ON THE HOUSE. Oh yeah, free is definitely less than $4.

Here’s where I get greedy. I order a cheese steak to make it two tasks down. I then buy the guy on the far left of the picture a cup of coffee (he was more than perplexed by the offer). Make it three and I’m back on top.

I’m a real-life Earl Hickey at this point. I put on my jacket, pay my tab, thank Stacey, and leave. [If you’re a close reader, you’ll notice something very important.]

5:01 – Arrive back in Camden via PATCO. It’s pretty cold at this point and my hands are buried deep in my pockets. Something doesn’t feel write.

Uh oh.

It suddenly dawns on me that I don’t have my shopping bag. The same shopping bag with my ninja-related item and dragon menu.

5:02 – Depression sets in. I text the following message to Crafty K: “Disaster.”

5:35 – Arrive back home at the apartment. Decide that the best course of action is a quick nap and a shower.

8:47 – That was definitely not a quick nap. It was more of a meandering slumber. Still have time to shower and get out and do some karaoke.

9:15 – Drive out to Julie’s Sport Bar, which has karaoke every Friday night. I’ve only been there twice, but it’s a low-key place where I should be able to pop in and out.

9:20 – Upon arrival at Julie’s, I see that the parking lot is absolutely full, which is very odd. Then I see the sign: Karaoke $1000 Prize. Business is about to pick up.

So I walk into the place and it’s completely full and to say that I’m getting cold feet doesn’t even come close to adequately describing my anguish. I put my name in with the karaoke lady and proceed to order a beer. That beer with the passage of time becomes four beers.

Now, I’m starting to freak out a bit. I’ve only done “You’ve lost that loving feeling” twice. The first time was with a hobo at Finnigan’s and the other time (I think) was with Cannon. It’s a tricky song to do solo because of all the harmonies. I’m basically Oates without Hall.

By the time it’s my turn, I’m a nervous wreck. I step up to the mike and mumble something about doing it “for the kids.” The first couple of bars start playing and everyone in the bar is giving me the “who is this guy who alone came into our dive bar and decided that it was a good song to sing a ballad” face.

As soon as I finish, I thank everyone and leave a stunned audience and a half-finished Bud Lite.

10:40 – Arrive back at the apartment. I’m exhausted and just happy to be alive. I decide that it’s probably best just to call it a night, but decide that I need to at least try to cross something else off my list. After a moment or two of meditation, I turn on Cannon’s computer and print off a picture of the Skip from Sweden’s Lady Curling Team. As soon as it’s off the printer, I sit on it. My first thought is that I don’t think that I’m the first person to sit on Annette Norberg’s face, but I’m probably the first man to. Either way, my bum was just on something Swedish.

11ish – Time for bed.

Conclusion – By the end of the day, I was a shell of a man. I was tired and hung over and just wanted sleep. Adding insult to injury, I didn’t even finish all the tasks. Even more amazing, it changed my whole perspective on the universe. Later in the weekend, I drove up to a Christening in Long Island (I did use the bathroom in my parents’ hotel). Although the mission had long since been over, I still had that scavenger mentality. For instance, at the church I stole a “hippie hymnal.” (The church was one of those new age ones where all the hymns sound like a bad U2 song.) At the reception, my cousins had laid out a lot of toddler toys for all the kids in attendance, including a box of rattles. I went up to one of the children and traded a crayon for a rattle. The rattle now sits on my bar.

I am pleased with the effort though. I stayed strong and did the best I could. Scavenger hunts, like most things in life, are best experienced with others. There’s the practical aspect that tells us that, in those moments when we most desire a nap, our teammates will lift us up or, at the very least, wake us. It also would have been a lot easier if I had someone other than Stacey to help me take pictures. But mostly, it would have been cool to actually experience the hunt with someone.

Either way, it was fun and helped me kill what was sure to be a boring day. For that, I am grateful.