13 Steps to a Better St. Patrick's Day

I was blessed this year to have my best St. Patrick’s Day ever. Throw in the NCAA’s and you have an absolute winner. Just a great all-around day and I thought I’d share with you a how-to guide for everyone for next year.[This is an expandable post.]

Step 1

Buy ridiculous decorations. I named both of these glasses. The goblet on the right is named Moe Mentum and the one on the left is Stanley Big Buckets.

Step 2

Place your gear in an easy-to-spy location. This is essential to always keeping yourself in the proper state of mind. If you’re constantly surrounded by cheesy items, it will be impossible to forget that you’re supposed to be having a good time. I decided that I’d bring together hoops and Irish gear with a Celtics towel that I draped over the futon.

Step 3

Prepare any food that requires preparation. This is essential. Since, the Ultimate Weapon and I were going out early, we’d need breakfast. I cooked up some home fries. It would have gone more smoothly if I hadn’t had to maneuver through a forest of empties, but I still managed.

Step 4

Get excited! Notice that I’m wearing traditional green and sporting a foam finger. The finger is also green and helps me to stay focused on the fact that I, along with the Celtics, am number 1.

Step 5

Drive to a tailgate somewhere. If there isn’t a NCAA game going on around you and you can’t get to one, just tailgate anywhere. Just pack up your car and go. Perhaps you could use a church parking lot? Maybe there’s a girl that you’ve been meaning to see more of and you can use this opportunity to grill and drink in her driveway. I don’t know. Just make it happen.

Step 6

Wow. You’ve had a long day. You deserve a beer.

Step 7

You too, sexy.

Step 8

Set up your tailgating area. You’re going to need a grill, some chairs, food, and, maybe, a scuba mask.

Step 9

You’ve probably worked up an appetite by this point and you’re gonna need some breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day and you need to make sure that you have some eggs, breakfast meat, and potatoes. Notice how delicious that looks in the picture. That will be you, my friends.

Step 10

Make new friends. These folks were from Baltimore and Jersey. We didn’t catch their names, but that’s okay. I’ll remember their spirit forever. They were drawn to our grill, so that just goes to show you how important Step 8 is. Also, this is the best shot of my "Lord of the Beer" t-shirt.

Step 11

Whatever it takes, you must get on TV in Cincinnati. You’ll probably have to make friends with a guy whose name is something like Harvey Smilovitch. (That is really his name.) Remember when you’re on to keep it enthusiastic and macho.

Step 12

Sit back, relax, and watch the greatest game that man ever invented.

Step 13

I understand that you’re tired at this point, but it is absolutely essential that you don’t go home and take a nap. A shower? That works and is probably necessary. A nap? Don’t think so. If you go to sleep, there’s a solid chance you won’t wake up until tomorrow. That will mean that you’ve missed the best part of St. Patrick’s Day: Ye Olde Enforcement of Stereotypes. I speak, of course, of going out and drinking heavily with people that you care about. A great day needs to be followed by a great night. Make it happen and always know that The Iconoclast believes in you.