All-Time Lady Stopper List

Two quick points on why I’m writing this list. First, it’s funny. The idea of Kyle Korver trying to post up Sheryl Swoops is fascinating. The picture of Kobe Bryant feverishly hoisting 32-footers while being guarded by Diana Taurasi in a vain attempt to get to 150 points intrigues me. I am absolutely baffled by the possibility of Shaq sweating through his crunch-time free throws while Sue Bird watches on. The league is full of, um, interesting personalities and the thought of those interesting personalities clashing with the WNBA makes me giggle. Secondly, I love the NBA. I believe it to be the best basketball product out there. This discussion could be just as easily be had about the And One tour. I’m picking on the WNBA on this one because I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of hearing it called “real” (i.e. better) basketball. I’m also tired of it being shoved down my throat by the NBA and David Stern (in the same way that House was during the 2004 ALCS). If I had a daughter and she wanted to one day play, I’d be thrilled. In my mind, Basketball is the best game ever invented (to quote my favorite drunk). Let’s just give the guys their due. Enjoy.

Current NBA Players:

1.) King James -- There is absolutely nothing that this guy can’t do on the floor. He’s also 6’8 and has no problem posting up Kobe Bryant. Sheryl Swoops would be cannon fodder.
2.) Tracy McGrady -- See the LeBron entry.
3.) Kobe Bryant -- Would the WNBA All-Stars even try to guard him? I could easily see Kobe dropping triple figures on the ladies while dishing out a lean two assists. The best part would be when he declared himself the leader of his team while Caity Miller cowered on the bench clutching her pepper spray.
4.) Kevin Garnett -- Nothing to say here really.
5.) Tim Duncan -- The Big Fundamental would deliver a quiet 62 points (every one in the paint) and probably pull down about the same number of boards. He’d also do all that in the flow of the game.
6.) Shaq -- The Houston Comets wouldn’t have enough fouls to give. Sheryl Swoops couldn’t guard the Diesel with chainsaw.
7.) Antoine Walker -- I'm including this one in here for the hilarity. Toine was a ball hog playing with one of the seven best players in the league. What do you think he’d do with Sue Bird trying to cover him from the perimeter? The crowd would be treated to something like 857 wiggles.
8.) Jason Kidd -- Kidd is here mostly for his ability to post up. Plus, he’s the only guy on this list I could see getting his teammates involved in the game. He’d get his 35 while at the same time demoralizing the opposition by passing out of quadruple teams and finding the open lady.
9.) Dirk -- This German God is 7-footer with deep range. He can also drive and penetrate (be thankful that I got this far before making the joke). Don’t expect much D though.
10.) Allen Iverson -- The ladies would no doubt feel the greatest amount of confidence against AI. Listed at 6’, they would probably try to do what every NBA team tries against this guy: beat the absolute living shit out of him. I remember the 2001 Finals. I remember AI fearlessly driving the lane right into the waiting arms of Shaq...and scoring. Do you think that, even if the ladies could get their hands on him, that he wouldn’t get back up? Me, too. The Answer is here because I think that his sheer will would carry him and his 4 ladies to victory.

All-Time (non-current)

1.) Magic Johnson -- In the NBA finals, against the absolute best of the best, Magic played all five positions on the floor. He did this against men. Plus, if you give me Magic post-1985, after he developed a jump shot, this wouldn’t even be fair.
2.) Larry Bird -- One of the lesser known tidbits about Larry Legend is that he was a phenomenal trash talker. Before the 3-point competition during All-Star weekend one year, he walked into the locker room and declared, to the best long-distance shooters in the league, that they were all “playing for second”. What would he say to Katie Feenstra?
3.) Wilt Chamberlain -- He dropped a hundred points in a single game while facing dudes. One season he averaged 50 points per game. Over his career he averaged 22.9 rebounds a game. His first year in Philly he averaged 37.6 points per game and 27.0 boards a game. Be afraid, ladies. Be very afraid.
4.) Michael Jordan -- Greatest of all time. Blah blah blah. Moving on.
5.) Charles Barkley -- According to NBA.com, Barkley was listed at 6’6, but was really closer to 6’4 (smallest to ever win a rebounding title). I would honestly be surprised if the WNBA All-Stars got double-digit rebounds.
6.) Scottie Pippen -- One of the true, few great ball-handling forwards (point forward, really) in NBA history. His mid-range jumper, size, and athleticism would undoubtedly shoe these horses.
7.) Bill Walton -- Big Red was a major part of the greatest professional team of all time: the 85-86 Boston Celtics. He was absolutely dominant his first 3 years in the league. Unfortunately, his career was derailed by injuries. But he did all the stuff that Wilt and Russell did. At 6’11, he may even fair better than Wilt because of his exceptional passing skills, which would be helpful when Coach Laimbeer (of the Detroit Shock) ran all 5 five ladies at him when he was in the box.
8.) Lew Alcindor -- Just kidding. He was a lady.
9.) Julius Erving -- If Dr. J were to play the ladies, I think he would win. To be honest, I don’t care what the outcome of the game would be. But the idea of him leaping over a petrified Lisa Leslie just made me chuckle. No defense. All highlights. The Dr. J way.
10.)Reggie Miller -- Biggest lady on my list. His height and ability to shoot the long ball would probably unleash a flurry of scoring that we can’t even imagine. Bonus points if he was playing the New York Liberty and he gave the “choking hand gesture” to Spike Lee after nailing his 53 three.

Bonus: Jimmy Chitwood -- The Pride of Hickory High would be the most enthralling of the possible match-ups. Coach Dale’s strategy for the first 30 minutes of the game would be to stick with the “3 passes before a shot” rule and try to keep Jimmy’s teammates involved in the game. It’d probably be pretty close. Simple plan. Contest the three. Don’t allow any easy buckets in the paint. He’d probably play Jimmy as the weak-side defender to maximize his leaping capability and his instinctual understanding of rebounding. Then, with 10 minutes to go, Coach Dale would unleash The Beast. It’d start with a couple of hard drives to the hoop and a bunch of trips to the free-throw line. When the ladies would back off a bit, then he’d make it rain down from behind the arc. Throw in a picket fence, an “I’ll make it, coach,” and free-throws to ice the game. You can’t stop Jimmy Chitwood.