Links: Throwing Hand Grenades

Start Fake School, Get Final Four Tickets – Ripped this one from BSG’s intern. What I found really funny about the article is that Air Force tried to set up a game with their fake university.

Law School Professor Ban Lap Tops – If any of my professors tried this, I would fight them. The best part is that the students (SURPRISE!) protested on grounds that the laptops are necessary for note-taking. They failed to mention that lap tops in the class room are essential to blogging during Federal Income Tax.

CAUTION: Beer Consumption Might Lead to Dangerous Behavior – Apparently there are some folks very upset over a new Bud Lite ad that features a bunch of guys drinking on their roofs under the guise of doing repairs. The critics are concerned that the commercial violates some “beer ad code.”

Ob La Di, Ob La Da – Life goes on for Corky. For absolutely no discernible reason, I went on IMDB and looked up that kid with down syndrome from that show about the family with the kid who had down syndrome. I got a cruel chuckle out of the fact that Cork tours with a 3-piece folk band. You hear that? Santa just added me to the naughty list.

MLB Initiates Bonds Investigation – This should have happened a long time ago. Guys like Bonds, McGuire, and Sosa have dishonored the game in a way that is only rivaled by the Black Sox. Every player who cheated to get into the league deprived another player of a chance at making it the legit way. The breadth of the failure of the failure of commissioner and the players’ union won’t be fully realized until many years down the road when former players start dropping dead. I don’t know how you treat the records that have already been broken, but I do know that it should be Commissioner Selig’s #1 priority to make sure that he never even gets close to Aaron’s record.

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Everyday Villains: Part 2

A few weeks ago, I introduced you to a little segment that I like to call “Everyday Villains.” It’s my way of saluting those who manage to make our days just a little bit worse. Today, I salute whoever lives in the apartment above me.

Talk about a special group of people. From what I gather, these folks do two things: argue violently and listen to crappy music. What makes them really special is that they manage to do this just about all of the time. I’ve been woken up at 7:15 in the morning to hear them arguing over who smoked the last of their hippie lettuce. Time doesn’t matter to these people. They’re almost workman-like in their commitment to harassing their neighbors. As their piece de resistance, about a month ago one of them yacked in front of the entrance to the apartment...and didn’t clean it up.

The most recent bout that has forced me to commit this to print was being subjected to the song “Ordinary People” for an hour-and-a-half yesterday. Whoever was listening just kept playing it over and over and over. Now, I love just about every Barry White song ever written and I’ve been known to hit the ‘repeat’ button a few times, but I’ve never listened to one song for over an hour. It was mind numbing. It was so bad that I couldn’t even focus on NCAA March Madness 2004.

So thanks, people upstairs. You’re Everyday Villains!

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Man Card: Revoked

Two nights ago, I watched “Pride & Prejudice.” It came to my DVD player through a series of events that I’m too tired to recall. I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but I actually enjoyed it. Here’s a few thoughts:

· I was only vaguely aware of how much the Bridget Jones movies borrowed from Austen. It turns out that Fielding took a lot. Oh yeah, I also own Bridget Jones. Let’s just move on.
· Keira Knightley. Wow. This girl is 17lbs and a perky set of B’s away from super-duper stardom. She’s hot, funny, AND she can act! As Cannon so aptly put it, she kind of looks like every attractive girl you’ve ever seen. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it seems to make a lot of sense. Oh yeah, she’s also only 20 years old. So, we could be enjoying “her work” for the next 15-20 years. The only problem is that she’s built like a flimsy coat rack. From where I’m sitting (my coach), it won’t take much more than 34 chicken parm sandwiches to get this girl right. So if you see Knightley, slip her a hoagie.
· In my defense, I wanted to make sure that my man card remained in my wallet so I watched “The 13th Warrior.” Great movie. I mentioned the other day about how many crappy epics have been made as of late. This isn’t one of them.
· My final thought is that it’s good to see a movie where it’s not the guy’s fault. Every Lady Flick I see is the same. Man and lady meet. Lady is nice and wonderful. Man is a-hole who’s also afraid of commitment. Conflict ensues. Man sacrifices manliness to placate woman. Roll credits. This movie wasn’t like that. It was thoughtful and clever and, um, I enjoyed it.

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Links: I don’t know how to quit you.

The Encyclopedia of Arda – Have any questions on the world of Tolkien? The answer is here. This is a great way to waste many hours of productivity at work. I really enjoyed the sections on the differences between the movie and the books.

Sports Illustrated’s Playoff Predictions – Well, it looks like SI has the Sox out of the playoffs. In a related story, John Henry just forfeited every game this season. Much more baseball to come this week. Stay tuned. Stay very tuned.

Sharon Stone: Oral Sex Advocate – I’ve been advocating the wisdom of oral sex for years to the many classy ladies that I’ve met at innumerable Arby’s. Hopefully, this announcement by a Stone will have more success than my own efforts.

Duke’s Lacrosse Team Suspended – Just another reason to hate all things Blue. Bastards.

EPR’s Take on the Tourney – I know that they’re linked on the sidebar, but I just wanted to call your attention to two posts by JRod and CWHager on the tourney. It’s good stuff and, if you’re a sports fan, you should definitely give their blog a look.

Le Morte de Adam Vinatieri – Cold Hard Football Facts final word on the loss of the greatest, clutch kicker in NFL history. Oc has already written on this and I would as well, if the pain still weren't too near.

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Adam Morrison’s Crying Game

“He hollers during games and seems like one of those guys who flips over Scrabble boards and keeps you playing Ping-Pong until he wins.”

The above quote is from today's Sports Guy column on Adam Morrison’s crying fit over the weekend. The context is that the Sports Guy is trying to get the heart of why it’s become okay for athletes and Clint Eastwood to cry. I’m not going to get into the propriety of men crying. It’s something I try to avoid at all times because, as a man, it’s important that I deal with pain like a man (i.e. gin and violence). But I do think an interesting question has been raised.

I want to talk about what goes into a man getting to a point in his life where he will absolutely lose his composure to the point of embarrassing himself, his family, his school, and, no doubt, God. The short answer is that guys like Morrison are wired different from most people. They have another level that most of us don’t have. It’s why he’s such a great scorer; the passion for victory and the physical pain of loss. It’s what separates the greats like Bird and Jordan (and maybe Morrison) from Jerry Stackhouse and Keith Van Horn. After the game at his press conference, all Morristache could get out was that he hates losing.

I find it very interesting that he thinks that Morrison is the type of guy who won’t let you leave the ping pong table until he’s won. I just finished reading a book on Michael Jordan by David Halberstam. The book is peppered with stories about Jordan’s ferocity when it came to all things competitive. One of my favorite stories was how he bought a ping pong table for his garage because he was tired of Charles Oakley beating him with the paddle.

(Just for giggles, here’s Adam Morrison's 5 Stages of Grief.)

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The Entrancing Eight

The similarities between this simulated tournament and the NCAA tourney is starting to get freaky. For the first time in the history of this tournament, all of the remaining one seeds were knocked off in the Round Mounds of 16. The best part of this whole exercise is that 6 of the remaining 8 ladies are all bunch together seed-wise, which means that it’s anybody’s to win.[This is an expandable post....with yet more haikus.]

Los Angeles Regional Final

Keira Knightley(3) 89
Kirsten Dunst(9) 68

Jail bait no more.
Keira is ready to roll.
Kirsten just got rocked.

BONUS COVERAGE: I got to watch King Arthur this weekend. (Knightley plays Guinevere.) There’s been a recent rush to make crappy epics that are trying to be Gladiator and Braveheart. The almost all fail. The most egregious of these rip-offs are Kingdom of Heaven and Alexander. When I tuned into check Arthur, let’s just say that the bar was set real low. I was pleasantly surprised. It even gave me something that I had never seen before: Knightley’s nipples. GOTCHA! You don’t get to see those, but the movie does deliver a battle on a pond that’s iced over. My only two qualms with the movie was the casting of Lancelot (it was Mr. Fantastic) and Knightley’s battle scenes. Other than that, I give it 3 ½ Blood Axes out of 4 Bloody Axes.

Milwaukee Regional Final

US Curling Team(5) 84
Barbara Bush(7) 61

Bring down The Hammer.
Dreams of an all-Bush
battle are now squashed.

New York Regional Final

Eva Longoria(3) 81
Sandra Bullock(12) 83(ot)

Not Cinderella.
Just call her Sandra-ella.
Eva’s desperate.

Philly Regional Final

Jennifer Lopez(3) 88
Jenna Bush(4) 90

There is one Bush left.
When it is time to party,
Jenna parties hard.

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SI: Blogs are The Devil

This whole blog thing has been great for me. Writing is fun and having folks read and (hopefully) enjoy my stuff is a pretty amazing feeling. Chris Ballard over at SI doesn’t like blogs and wrote last week about it. You have to be a subscriber to read the article, but there is a free interview with Bill Simmons that contains some of the same critiques. I’ve also ferreted out a response a response from TrueHoop.com to Ballard’s article that does a nice job of showing Ballard to be a rump swab who’s trying to ruin my fun.

I love the response of the main stream media (I don’t use the shorthand, kiddies) to this whole blogging thing. My favorite aspect of it is the charge that there is a lack of accountability with blogs. To be honest, it’s not like there is much accountability with more traditional media outlets.

For instance, take Ron Borges. Borges is a football “analyst” back in Boston and does a lot of work for CBSsportsline.com. Borges really hates Bill Belichick. He writes about it and calls into WEEI to talk about it. Belichick has really gotten into this cat’s head. When asked what reasons drive the engine of his disdain, his only response is that he “knows something” about The Best Coach in Football that would shock us. That’s it. No explanation. Just an ominous warning that we’d be shocked. That’s “accountability.”

It’s because of Borges that I love the direct link that sports fans can have now to their favorite teams and athletes. It’s a direct link that’s running sports pages into the ground. As an information-hungry, sports fan, I love the amount of info out there for me. I spend a good two hours a day scouring my favorite sites (they’re all on the sidebar, btw) for fresh takes. I’m tired of Peter King telling me how special a person Bret Favre is and I’m tired of every athlete who’s not cordial with the beat guys being described as a malcontent. Give me the Baseball Crank and the Celtics Blog.

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Upset City, Baby!

Here are the results from the Scrumtrelescent Sixteen. As a shout-out to a hold hobby of mine, I’ve included a bunch of haikus. There’s even a few “bonus” haikus from a big fan of Jenna Bush. [This is an expandable post.]

Los Angeles-Young Hot Actresses Region

S. Michelle Gellar(5) 64
Kirsten Dunst(9) 66

Buffy has been slain.
The Grudge kinda creeped me out.
Dunst comes out on top.

Kate Beckinsale(2) 63
Keira Knightley(3) 100

Powered by God-Dust.
Keira is too hot for Kate.
Pride & Dominance.

Milwaukee-Hodgepodge Region

Maria Sharapova(1) 75
US Curl Team(5) 81

Tennis is boring.
Sharapova’s a long name.
Curl girls forever.

Stacey Kiebler(3) 62
Barbara Bush(7) 74

Dubya’s baby girl
Throttled this wrestling dancer.
Go Cinderella!

New York-Older Ladies Region

Kelly Rippa(1) 87
Sandra Bullock(12) 95(2ot)

Wow! Two overtimes!
Regis, inconsolable.
Sandy’s tenacious.

Ashley Judd(2) 62
Eva Longoria(3) 69

Nothing desperate here.
Eva is really tiny.
Love the Latinas.

Philly-Skanks Region

Heather Graham(1) 91
Jenna Bush(4) 92(ot)

Rollergirl is done.
Frozen daiquiris for all.
Hotter than Barb Bush.

BONUS HAIKU NEWS: For giggles, I googled “jenna bush haiku” and found an, um, interesting site that seems to feature a lot of content on Jenna, including haikus. Here’s a smattering:

I saw Jenna Bush's
face in a potato chip.
She tasted salty

Jenna Bush beguiles,
arouses me, because she
looks like my cousin

For moral guidance,
I ask myself a question -
"What would Jenna drink?"

Last night's dream featured
Jenna Bush cleaning my house,
dusting my long horn

Lindsay Lohan(2) 83
Jennifer Lopez(3) 87

How could J-Ho win?
Freckled, Curvy Paradise.
Fare thee well, Lindsay.

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DELICIOUS!!!

For those of you that read my St. Patty's day post and are interested in seeing the clip of The Ultimate Weapon and myself from Local 12 in Cincy, today is your lucky day. You have to watch another clip first, but it's definitely worth your time.

Just click here.

Thanks to Chiclet for hunting this down. She's a cerebral assassin.

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V for Vendetta

This past weekend, I got the chance to catch this movie and it was fantastic. The violence and CGI wasn’t overdone like Matrix Revolutions. Natalie Portman was hot. Most importantly, the message was spot-on.

For those of you who haven’t seen the trailer, the general gist is this: it’s about 20 years or so in the future and, due to a series of biological attacks, the English have sacrificed their freedom for security; a guy wearing a mask blows things up and fights the totalitarians. A lot of folks will love this movie only because it can be viewed as a critique of the Bush Administration. I loved it because it reminds us of why people yearn for freedom.

WARNING! DANGER! WARNING! ABOUT TO SOUND LIKE THE AXIS OF RIGHT + CANNON!

Liberal, movie critic, Roger Ebert took issue with two elements of the movie. The first is the protagonist’s assertion that governments should be afraid of their people. He asserts that in “an ideal world” both should “exist happily together.” Secondly, he dislikes that Parliament is a target of the protagonist’s vengeance. As Rolly Poley so aptly puts it, surely “his enemy is human, not architecture.”

It’s probably the libertarian in me, but I think that it’s absolutely essential that the government be afraid of all of us. The right kinds of government are there to serve their citizens and, should they do otherwise, it’s essential that they tear it down and put up one that will. It’s that tension that (theoretically) keeps the government honest and open. I understand that Mr. Ebert is trying to convey a noble sentiment; that peace is preferable to violence. I just have to believe that freedom is more important than peace.

So, if you’re trying to decide what to do this weekend, you should definitely check out this flick. It’s compelling, funny, and thoughtful. I loved it and I hope that you do, too.

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Who will get into the Scrumtrelescent Sixteen?

As our second round of games is coming to close, I’d like to say that this is going fantastically. The Octogon’s and Cannon’s formula continues to hold true-to-form. There are more and more exciting match-ups with each round. Most importantly, I’m still having a lot of fun with it. [This is an expandable post...and there's also a Sandra Bullock haiku.]

Los Angeles-Hot, Young Actresses Region

Rachel McAdams(1) 67
Kirsten Dunst(9) 69

BONUS COVERAGE: WOWIE WOW WOW! This is a fantastic upset. The top seed in al of the tournament goes down to a 9-seed. Upset City, baby! Cinderella is dancing!

Scarlett Johansen(4) 62
S. Michelle Gellar(5) 84

Keira Knightley(3) 71
Jessica Alba(6) 62

Kate Beckinsale(2) 93
Elisha Cuthberty(7) 74

Milwaukee-Hodgepodge Region

Maria Sharapova(1) 89
Anna Kournikova(8) 69

BONUS COVERAGE: Just like all the hopes and dreams of an adoring, tennis fan base were disappointed by Anna K’s career, she now knows defeat at the hands of another Russian, tennis sensation.

Jessica Simpson(4) 70
Curl Girls(5) 71

BONUS COVERAGE: A 5-seed beating a 4-seed isn’t a huge upset, but I’m stoked to see these Curl Girls advance.

Stacey Kiebler(3) 103
Charlize Theron(6) 71

Tanith Belbin(2) 64
Barbara Bush(7) 67

BONUS COVERAGE: We all know that there was a big hullabaloo over BB even being in this tournament and she played Tanith with the intensity of a champion. I’m more than ecstatic for the Bush family.

New York-Older Lady Region

Kelly Rippa(1) 79
Kristin Davis(9) 68

Nicole Kidman(4) 60
Sandra Bullock(12) 65

BONUS COVERAGE: Talk about a surprise. The lowest that a lady can possibly score in this tourney is 60 and that’s all Nicole Kidman got. Huge upsets make this tourney fun to watch. I’m so excited that I thought I’d share my Sandra Bullock haiku.

For the girl next door.
You were da bomb in the Net.
Speed 2 was ok.

Eva Longoria(3) 82
Halle Berry(6) 60

Ashley Judd(2) 99
Teri Hatcher(10) 65

Philly-Skanks Region

Heather Graham(1) 109
Mary-Kate Olsen(9) 61

BONUS COVERAGE: Mary-Kate Olsen is so distraught by this loss that she hasn’t eaten in days. Wait a second...

Jenna Bush(4) 87
J. Love-Hewitt(12) 63

BONUS COVERAGE: You have to know by this point that I’m already salivating over the possibility of a Bush-on-Bush match-up.

Jennifer Lopez(3) 65
Christina Aguilera(6) 61

Lindsay Lohan(2) 86
Paris Hilton(7) 66

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World Baseball Classic

Just wanted to take a second to point you towards an article on the WBC that Jayson Stark wrote on the somewhat bizarre path Team Japan took to the championship.. In all, I thought that the tourney was a lot of fun to watch. It was really cool how other countries really got into it, even though there was a more tepid reaction in the States. In the end, watching a baseball game is a fun way to kill a few hours and that’s probably why this tourney will have some staying power.

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13 Steps to a Better St. Patrick's Day

I was blessed this year to have my best St. Patrick’s Day ever. Throw in the NCAA’s and you have an absolute winner. Just a great all-around day and I thought I’d share with you a how-to guide for everyone for next year.[This is an expandable post.]

Step 1

Buy ridiculous decorations. I named both of these glasses. The goblet on the right is named Moe Mentum and the one on the left is Stanley Big Buckets.

Step 2

Place your gear in an easy-to-spy location. This is essential to always keeping yourself in the proper state of mind. If you’re constantly surrounded by cheesy items, it will be impossible to forget that you’re supposed to be having a good time. I decided that I’d bring together hoops and Irish gear with a Celtics towel that I draped over the futon.

Step 3

Prepare any food that requires preparation. This is essential. Since, the Ultimate Weapon and I were going out early, we’d need breakfast. I cooked up some home fries. It would have gone more smoothly if I hadn’t had to maneuver through a forest of empties, but I still managed.

Step 4

Get excited! Notice that I’m wearing traditional green and sporting a foam finger. The finger is also green and helps me to stay focused on the fact that I, along with the Celtics, am number 1.

Step 5

Drive to a tailgate somewhere. If there isn’t a NCAA game going on around you and you can’t get to one, just tailgate anywhere. Just pack up your car and go. Perhaps you could use a church parking lot? Maybe there’s a girl that you’ve been meaning to see more of and you can use this opportunity to grill and drink in her driveway. I don’t know. Just make it happen.

Step 6

Wow. You’ve had a long day. You deserve a beer.

Step 7

You too, sexy.

Step 8

Set up your tailgating area. You’re going to need a grill, some chairs, food, and, maybe, a scuba mask.

Step 9

You’ve probably worked up an appetite by this point and you’re gonna need some breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day and you need to make sure that you have some eggs, breakfast meat, and potatoes. Notice how delicious that looks in the picture. That will be you, my friends.

Step 10

Make new friends. These folks were from Baltimore and Jersey. We didn’t catch their names, but that’s okay. I’ll remember their spirit forever. They were drawn to our grill, so that just goes to show you how important Step 8 is. Also, this is the best shot of my "Lord of the Beer" t-shirt.

Step 11

Whatever it takes, you must get on TV in Cincinnati. You’ll probably have to make friends with a guy whose name is something like Harvey Smilovitch. (That is really his name.) Remember when you’re on to keep it enthusiastic and macho.

Step 12

Sit back, relax, and watch the greatest game that man ever invented.

Step 13

I understand that you’re tired at this point, but it is absolutely essential that you don’t go home and take a nap. A shower? That works and is probably necessary. A nap? Don’t think so. If you go to sleep, there’s a solid chance you won’t wake up until tomorrow. That will mean that you’ve missed the best part of St. Patrick’s Day: Ye Olde Enforcement of Stereotypes. I speak, of course, of going out and drinking heavily with people that you care about. A great day needs to be followed by a great night. Make it happen and always know that The Iconoclast believes in you.

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Those of you who had an NES probably played the Legend of Zelda. The game was an adventure game in which you wander through Hyrule slaying monsters, collecting items, and saving a Princess. It was definitely a challenging game, and I remember people bragging about how they could beat the game in under an hour. At the time, that was quite the accomplishment. However, that time was shattered completely recently.

On March 16, Mike Damiani recorded a run of the Legend of Zelda, in which it took him only 33 minutes and 34 seconds to beat the game. This run features an insane amount of luck (needed to collect bombs, stave off death from Darknuts and other creatures), and took about 3 months for him to finally complete. The run skips several items that are normally used, including the boomerang, magic key (which unlocks any door), and the blue and red rings (leaving Link in that oh-s0-cute Green palate).

If you'd like to find out more about the run, you can go to http://speeddemosarchive.com/Zelda1.html for the runner's commentary, or you can just go here to download the file in any quality format that you choose.

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NGAA: First Round

Sorry all for the delay in getting this out. I got, um, distracted by St. Patrick’s. I'll get up the second round as fast as humanly possible. Enjoy! [This is an expandable post.]

Play-In Game

Alexis Bledel 69
Lacey Chabert 66

Los Angeles-Young Actress Region

Rachel McAdams(1) 91
Alexis Bledel(16) 61

BONUS COVERAGE: Let me be the first to give props to these two ladies. McAdams is an established beauty with the potential to go real deep in this tourney. Bledel is real comparable in the looks department and is sure to make a run in the future.

Natalie Portman(8) 85
Kirsten Dunst(9) 86(ot)

BONUS COVERAGE: Best game of the first two days of the tourney. At the end of regulation, the game was all knotted up at 68 (there’s a simulated OT period). Both ladies exploded in overtime, but Kirsten Dunst was able to hold the always-bizarre Natalie Portman.

S. Michelle Gellar(5) 71
Alyson Hannigan(12) 64

BONUS COVERAGE: Absolutely tears my ass up to see Hannigan go down here. She’s a cute redhead with freckles. I guess this is what March Misogyny is all about.

Scarlett Johansen(4) 81
Katie Holmes (13) 61

Jessica Alba (6) 72
Kate Hudson (11) 62

BONUS COVERAGE: Now’s as a good a time as any to reiterate how much “The Fantastic Four” sucked. First reason: all four of them have lame powers. I guess being able to stretch really well would be kinda cool, but I just don’t want to see a movie about it. Second reason: most super hero movies will suck unless they’re done really well. For example, I loved “Spiderman.” With a little less care, it could have ended up like “The Hulk.” Third Reason: if #1 and 2 aren’t good enough for you, go rent the movie.

Keira Knightley(3) 71
Brittany Murphy(14) 66

BONUS COVERAGE: Caught “Little Black Book” on Encore on Sunday. It’s an absolutely awful movie. The premise is hokey. The plot twists were wildly ridiculous. Literally, the only entertaining thing in the movie was Brittany Murphy. She even managed to hold my attention long enough that I watched the entire thing.

Elisha Cuthbert(7) 74
Amanda Bynes(10) 65

Kate Beckinsale(2) 93
Hillary Duff(15) 61

BONUS COVERAGE: Hilary Duff gets what she deserves. I’m sure she’ll turn her defeat into a saccharin sweet ballad or crappy movie. I really hate this girl. Everything about her is a watered down Old School Britney Spears. She’s cute in the same fawn-in-the-headlights kind of way. She’s got that I’m-trying-to-be-sexy-in-a-wholesome-kind-of-way thing going on. She even has Britney’s slightly better than a karaoke wench voice.

Milwaukee-Skanks Regions

Maria Sharapova(1) 88
Gwen Stefani(16) 60

Anna Kournikova(8) 68
Gisele Bundchen(9) 69

US Curling Team(5) 74
Lucy Liu(12) 64

BONUS COVERAGE: Has anyone seen Lucy Liu lately? The last thing I remember her in was the last Charlie’s Angels movie. I’m not normally into Asians, but how can you not love Double L?

Jessica Simpson(4) 86
Jenna Fischer(13) 64

BONUS COVERAGE: In between heaping doses of basketball on Thursday (Tourney + C's), I managed to catch the newest episode of the Office, "Take your daughter to work day." Apparently you can download the newer episodes legally somewhere. I'd definitely recommend making the effort on this one. Fare thee well, Jenna Fischer.

Charlize Theron(6) 94
Beyonce(11) 62

Stacey Kiebler(3) 98
Shakira(14) 61

Barbara Bush(7) 70
Kelly Clarkson(10) 66

BONUS COVERAGE: Surpising amount of discussion over the Barbara Bush selection. During the election, I was obsessed with the Bush Twins. Here’s some not-so-interesting trivia on the Bush Twins: they were born on the same day. Seriously.

Tanith Belbin(2) 108
Danica Patrick(15) 61

New York-Older Lady Region

Kelly Rippa(1) 93
Angelina Jolie(16) 60

BONUS COVERAGE: Now some of you have been (rationally) questioning some of the logic of my seeding. Here’s the basic premise: I take the lady in her totality. Everything gets included. In the case of Rippa, she’s a cute, funny, and has got this feistiness that I love. I also gave her some serious bonus points for looking that good after having a few kids. Jolie, on the other hand, is certifiably insane. So her hotness is balanced against the fact that she used to wear a vial filled with Billy Bob’s blood and has an obsession with adopting Asian babies.

Naomi Watts(8) 61
Kristin Davis(9) 68

Jennifer Connelly(5) 62
Sandra Bullock(12) 63

BONUS COVERAGE: Just to further show how this tourney mirrors real life. That other tourney always seems to have one 5-12 upset, so does ours.

Nicole Kidman(4) 89
C. Zeta-Jones(13) 64

Halle Berry(6) 67
Jennifer Garner(11) 63

Eva Mendes(7) 65
Teri Hatcher(10) 66

BONUS COVERAGE: First Bullock, now Hatcher. I love that the older ladies are giving us this year’s wild bracket.

Ashley Judd(2) 72
Lauren Graham(15) 62

Philly-Skanks Region

Heather Graham(1) 88
Annette Norberg(16) 60

BONUS COVERAGE: Cannon took umbrage with Heather Graham getting this high a seed. He even went as far as to quickly dismiss her appearance on Celebrity Poker. What he forgot to mention was that she looked amazingly hot on Celebrity Poker. Come on, buddy! She's Rollergirl for christ sakes!

Ashley Olsen(8) 62
Mary-Kate Olsen(9) 67

Mariah Carey(5) 61
J. Love-Hewitt(12) 62

BONUS COVERAGE: Attack of the 12-seed...again. Gotta hand to Oc and Cannon for coming up with this brilliant formula.

Christina Aguilera(6) 73
Britney Spears(11) 62

BONUS COVERAGE: Just another humiliation for a “lady” whose star has fallen all the way to the gutter.

Jennifer Lopez(3) 78
Carmen Electra(14) 61

Paris Hilton(7) 74
Nicole Ritchie(10) 66

Lindsay Lohan(2) 85
Nicky Hilton(15) 61

BONUS COVERAGE: With Lohan’s victory, we’re set up for a Lohan v. Paris match-up in the second round. Let’s just say that someone should get the beers on ice.

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Big Love or Big Pile of Crap?

Imagine having three wives. Imagine all the children. Take yourself to a place where there is all that nagging and credit card bills. Yikes.

HBO has taken us to this place. I think I’m being fair when I say that this is the worst show that I’ve ever seen. Even if they were to digitally remove every love scene involving Bill Paxton (or is it Bill Pullman?), I would still hate this show. After watching the first episode last night, I spent about 5 minutes thinking over where the show might go with possible storylines and each and every one of them were crap. Avoid it like the plague.

Now, the idea of multiple wives intrigues me. I’ve always dreamed of having an obscene number of children and that would be greatly facilitated by having multiple “baby makers.” I think the costs would outweigh the benefits on this one though. For instance, how much time would be wasted on the phone? Imagine having to tell each of them how your day went and, even worse, having to listen to how their day was. Double yikes.

Also, I should probably work on finding a first wife before I focus in on finding my auxiliary wives.

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SOLD OUT: Chef’s Salty Balls

This story is a few days old, but I thought that I’d throw it out at you anyway. Apparently, Isaac Hays is done on South Park over the show’s depiction of Scientology. The episode in question, “Trapped in the Closet”, is probably one of the better efforts that the show has made as of late.

If you’re looking for a reason to hate on Scientologist Nut Jobs, you should check out this site.

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New England: Fact or Fiction

I’ve just returned to Philly after spending a couple of days back in Rhodey. It’s always good to go home, but I thought that I’d put a little twist on my trip report and play a little ESPN style Fact-or-Fiction.

Chelo’s has the best Chicken Parm Sandwich in New England.

FICTION – I don’t know when it happened, but Chelo’s changed my favorite sandwich. This is borderline criminal. Chelo’s had the greatest, chix parm sandwich...ever. It was a nice, open-faced deal. Now, they’ve got this funky bread, but it’s still pretty good.

Legend’s in Waltham is the place to be in Waltham on Saturday night.

FACT – One of my favorite parts of being home is karaoke. They have karaoke in Philly, but it’s just not the same to go to a dive bar and sing “You’ve lost that loving feeling” by yourself. Believe me, I know. So when Chiclet suggested that we roll out last Saturday, I jumped at the chance.

Here’s the chain of events.
• Chicky called me when I was close to let me know that it was in a plaza and behind “a muffler shop.”
• We go into the bar around 7pm and there are literally eight people in there. Four of them work at the place. Food and drinks are consumed; conversation is engaged. Cool bartender, though. The kind of guy that you could be friends with. That is, if you hang out with middle-aged bartenders.
• Starting at about 8:30ish, large women start filtering into the bar. By 9, there are about 30-40 folks. Not too bad. We decide to move into the karaoke den-area, where we are promptly greeted by Patrick the Karaoke DJ.
• I put in my slip (Bon Jovi’s “It’s my life”). I get up there and do my Bon Jovi thing and promptly win the crowd over with a heaping dose of enthusiasm, crowd participation, and fist pumps. Patrick was so impressed that he dropped this gem: “[Chiclet] is a very lucky lady.”
• Now, Chiclet is deciding what rocking song she wants to sing. Of course, she’s a lady and it takes her an estimated 17 hours to decide. In the meantime, I’m subjected to a parade of the Weather Girls singing sad country songs and 80’s-suicide-inducing ballads. The highlight (or lowlight, whatever) was a 315lb woman singing “Shake you bon bon.” Wonderful. Also, a 50-year-old guy named Don Vito, who was either drunk or retarded or both, sang “You’ve lost that loving feeling.” Let’s just say that in Don Vito I saw my own future and it scared me. Big time.
• Chiclet decided on “Rich Girl” by Gwen Stefani and Eve. She, as always, did a really good job. Unfortunately, since she wasn’t singing a Gretchen Wilson song or wearing a cowboy hat, the crowd wasn’t pleased. Apparently, rednecks can be stuck-up too. (As Chiclet aptly put it: "Who knew that Waltham was the Mason-Dixon Line?")
• More fat chicks sang more sad songs. Also, the SoCo and Lime girls showed up. They handed out beads and t-shirts. There was also a bar game called “Bar Bingo.” I’m still not quite clear on the rules, but an important element of the game was humiliating other patrons.
• To cap it off, me and Chicky sang “Every other time” by LFO. We did a bang up job (more her than me at this point), but the crowd probably had never heard the song before. Talk about a great, wasted effort.
• We leave.

Connecticut is underrated.

FICTION: The worst part of my drive home is the 112 miles that I spend in Connecticut. It’s awful. Why would anyone live there? Even the non-descript Delaware has tax-free booze. What does the World Insurance Capital bring to the table? Absolutely nothing. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.

Boston sports talk is better than Philly’s sport talk.

FACT: But not by much. The best show on WEEI is the Dale & Holly Show, but the rest is pretty obnoxious (especially the Big Show). The Providence station is pretty awful, too. Taken in it’s entirety, I give the slight edge to Boston. New York beats everyone, unfortunately.

It’s good to go home.

FACT: Easiest decision on the board. There’s something to be said for knowing every nook and cranny of a place. Down in Philly, I still feel like a foreigner. It’s also really cool to walk around a mall and see obscure jerseys, like Tim Wakefield’s. The only down side to going home is that there's never enough time and that weighs on me a lot when I'm back (too many people + not enough time = frustration). Philly is great, but there’s no place like home.

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Happy Pi Day!

Today is Pi Day, where all math geeks in the world pay respect to the number which shows up in circles, physics, Gaussian probabilities, and many other random things in nature. Take a little time to reflect today on what pi has done for you in your life (aside from the many headaches in math class). Apparently to honor Pi Day, the A9.com search engine (appropriately enough available at A9.com) is offering (pi /2)% discounts on purchases. So if you need to buy something from Amazon, head there now before the discount ends.

Mathematicians will now take a few months off, waiting for the next big holidays that include Pi Approximation Day (July 22, or 22/7 in European format), and waiting for Avagadro's Moment (6:02 on 10/23).

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Puppy Curling

Gauvin has put up some fantastic time-sucks, but I think I've beaten him with this one: PUPPY CURLING. I spent the last hour-and-a-half playing this bad boy.

The best part is that I'm doing my own commentary in a Scottish accent, like Don #2 of the NBC Olympic Crew. I've been dropping gems like, "Ah, nice shot. He just buried that puppy in the back of the house." I've only won one game, but I did lose another on BS scoring job by the computer (I should have had the hammer in an Extra End). Let me know how y'all do.

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NGAA: Fill out your brackets!

Yesterday belonged to the NCAA and Selection Sunday. Today belongs to the NGAA and Misogyny Monday. The NGAA Tournament decides each year who the National Champion of Ladies is. The Pancake Breakfast is proud to exclusively bring to you its Field of 65. The Selection Committee (Me – with a little help from the Ultimate Weapon) had to make some tough decisions and some deserving ladies are going to have to settle for the N.I.T. (Not Invited to my Tournament). Each Friday I’ll post the results of the end-of-week games and I’ll post the weekend results on Monday.

Quick note on methodology: The scores of each game are determined by a complex formula that relies on seeding. The tournament is organized into four regions with 16 ladies in each region (after the play-in game). Once the seeds are set, the results are completely out of my control. All that’s left if for you to fill out your brackets and, much like Fergie, you’ll be ready to get this started. [THIS IS AN EXPANDABLE POST AND YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO CLICK ‘READ MORE.’]

Play-in Game

Alexis Bledel v. Lacey Chabert – The younger Gilmore Girl faces off against that girl with the squeaky voice from Mean Girls and Party of Five. I was absolutely shocked to find out that Bledel is 24-years old and older than me.

The Los Angeles-Young Actress Region

Rachel McAdams(1 Seed) v. Play-In Winner(16 Seed) – The hottest and funniest actress in Hollywood takes on the play-in cannon fodder.
Natalie Portman(8) v. Kirsten Dunst(9) – Queen Amidala v. Spiderman’s Lady.

Sarah Michelle Gellar(5) v. Alyson Hannigan(12) – Buffy squares off against Willow.
Scarlett Johansen(4) v. Katie Holmes(13) – The Battle of Attainable Hotties. Before Tom Cruise ruined her forever, Katie would have been a one or two seed. Johansen gets big points for not believing in monogamy.

Jessica Alba(6) v. Kate Hudson(11) – Two certifiably gorgeous women. Hudson is probably a little too old for the bracket, but she had to go somewhere.
Keira Knightley(3) v. Brittany Murphy(14) – A classic beauty matches up against an unconventional one. Big fan of Brittany Murphy, by the way. She’s cute and her movies are usually at least watchable.

Elisha Cuthbert(7) v. Amanda Bynes(10) – This one would have gotten me in jail four years ago.
Kate Beckinsale(2) v. Hilary Duff(15) – Beckinsale is hot and British. Duff is very annoying and once dated the little brother of a Backstreet Boy. The only reason Hilary made the cut was so she could get creamed in the first round.

The Milwaukee-Hodgepodge Region

Maria Sharapova(1) v. Gwen Stefani(16) – A couple of years ago the role of hot tennis star who would get the #1 seed would have gone to Anna K. Stefani gets the 16-seed because she has no talent and dates the guy who sang “Machinehead.”
Anna Kournikova(8) v. Gisele Bundchen(9) – The match-up pits a mediocre tennis player against a lady famous for looking good in her underwear. Sets up for a great, second round match-up against Sharapova.

US Curling Team(5) v. Lucy Liu(12) – This is the first spot where you can spot the Selection Committee’s bias. I’d probably cry foul if I wasn’t the Committee. Look for Team Johnson to come out seeking revenge over their 5-to-6 loss to Team Japan in the Olympics.
Jessica Simpson(4) v. Jenna Fischer(13) – Selection bias strikes again. Simpson is an obvious high-seed, but most of you probably have no idea who Jenna Fischer is. Well, she’s the cute secretary from The Office and I dig her. If you don’t like it, you spend 13 hours working on your own damn bracket.

Charlize Theron(6) v. Beyonce Knowles(11) – Theron probably belongs in another bracket, but they were too crowded. The Committee also loves the way that Beyonce shakes her jelly.
Stacey Kiebler(3) v. Shakira(14) – Classic battle of Legs v. Ass.

Barbara Bush(7) v. Kelly Clarkson(10) – The daughter of an American president has snatched herself a seven seed and will take on an American Idol. The American dichotomy was lame and there and I took it.
Tanith Belbin(2) v. Danica Patrick(15) – A battle between two athletes who really aren’t athletes. Also, I love Tanith Belbin and she’s one of the few celebrities where I could definitely kick her husband’s ass (he’s her ice-dancing partner).

The New York Older Lady Region

Kelly Rippa(1) v. Angelina Jolie(16) – Cannon’s favorite lady up against Billy Joe Bob Thornton’s old lady.
Naomi Watts(8) v. Kristin Davis(9) – 8-9 match-ups are always sexy, but this one is ridonkulous. First, we’ve got a classic Blonde-versus-Brunette battle. These ladies have also starred in my least favorite movie (I [heart] Huckabees) and least favorite TV show (Sex and the City) respectively.

Jennifer Connelly(5) v. Sandra Bullock(12) – Two underrated ladies here. Connelly’s got that curvy, freckle-nacity going on. Bullock is just all-around solid.
Nicole Kidman(4) v. Catherine Zeta-Jones(13) – This one really is about two different roads to hotness. Nicole toiled in the shadow of Tom Cruise (he apparently has a history of bringing down ladies). As soon as she dumped him, her hotness exploded and she even gets a little frisky nowadays. Kitty Jones burst onto the scene as an uber-hottie. As soon as she hooked up with the aged Michael Douglas, she lost about 17mph on her fastball.

Halle Berry(6) v. Jennifer Garner(11) – Quick word on Jennifer Garner. The Sports Guy just brought to the world’s attention that Garner is sporting some really, nice post-partum breasts. No real comment. Just wanted to share.
Eva Longoria(3) v. Renee Zellweger(14) – David v. Goliath. Except completely different.

Eva Mendes(7) v. Teri Hatcher(10) – Mendes is the new kid on the block (she was the ditz in Stuck on You). Teri Hatcher is the NGAA Comeback Player of the Year. I also think that Hatcher is a little overrated and probably the #3 hottie on her own show. Huge mismatch.
Ashley Judd(2) v. Lauren Graham(16) – Apparently, all the looks in the Judd family went to Ashley because you can bet dollars-to-pesos that Winona ain’t on this list. Now you’re probably asking, who is Lauren Graham? Well, she’s the older Gilmore Girl and I find her mysteriously alluring.

[Parenthetical Note: Has there been a dumber concept for a show than Gilmore Girls? Graham plays an airhead who got knocked up as a teenager who’s now raising a brainiac daughter. I guess the moral of the show is that an obsessive compulsive child can still bond with her slutty mother. Thanks WB!]

The Philly-Skank Bracket

Heather Graham(1) v. Annette Norberg(16) – If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know who Norberg is. She’s the Skip of the Swedish Curling Team and the Lady Villain of Curling. For whatever reason, I hate her. Setting her up to get pounded by Heather Graham is just my way of slapping back a bit.
Ashley Olsen(8) v. Mary-Kate Olsen(9) – Now this is a match-up. Hands down the easiest selection.

Mariah Carey(5) v. Jennifer Love-Hewitt(12) – Seven years ago, this would have been a 1-2 match-up
Jenna Bush(4) v. Tara Reid(13) – I absolutely love this region and I love this game even more. There’s something about Jenna Bush that drives me wild. It’s probably the mix of her looking like a girl I used to dig and her whiskey-and-cigarettes voice (which is tough to achieve by the age of 24). Also, could there possibly be a cooler father-in-law than Dubya? I’m picturing that he’d be almost as much fun to hang out with as the twins; picture drinking Johnny Walker Blue and go-cart racing every weekend. He probably also knows every possible way to cure a hangover. But, I digress.

Christina Aguilera(6) v. Britney Spears(7) – Before Federline, these seedings would have been reversed. Still an interesting pairing, though.
Jennifer Lopez(3) v. Carmen Electra(14) – What really intrigues me about this match-up is that either one of these ladies has had any semblance of a career. What do they really bring they bring to table? J-Ho has a good, but not great, ass. That’s it. Really. Also, Carmen Electra is utterly and completely devoid of talent. She couldn’t even make a reality show work. Whoever wins this one, I’m predicting that the real losers are the fans.

Paris Hilton(7) v. Nicole Ritchie(10) – Good friends. Better enemies.
Lindsay Lohan(2) Nicky Hilton(15) –Probably the most aesthetically appealing match-up of this region. Love the partying ability that both of these wenches bring to the table.

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44 hours of gaming = only 6th place all time

A few weeks ago, Kelly Tharpe attempted to set the record for Q*bert, an arcade game popular back in the 80's. The game involved jumping Q*bert from block to block, changing the color of the block that you land on. Your goal is to change all blocks to a specified color before being touched by any of several enemies, who would kill you if touched. You score points when you change colors of pieces, complete levels, finish a level, or grab certain things that appear on the screen.

Although the rules for the game are simple, breaking the world record is difficult. The previous world record for the game was 33,273,520 points as set in 1983. Considering that you get 5,000 points for level completion (at the highest levels), and only hundreds of points for the other things that happen, this requires playing over 3,000 "rounds" on a single quarter and would take approximately 72 hours.

Kelly's attempt failed after 44 hours, in which he achieved the sixth highest score in Q*bert history with over 19.9 million points. According to the report at Twin Galaxies, he could no longer see the screen by the time he finished.

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Links: [Insert pithy phrase about avoiding work.]

Walken 2008 (Thanks to The Huss) – I have gone over this site and I can’t tell whether it’s a straight parody or half-serious. Either way, it’s hilarious.

NorthernAttack.com – This site is a fan-site dedicated to The Office. The URL is a reference to the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln: “If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.”

Get a ticket for good driving – Apparently, a town in Texas is pulling over good drivers and giving them tickets to minor league baseball games.

Rock Papers Scissors – The Tournament of Champions is coming to Las Vegas. (Vegas, baby!) I withdrew over a dispute the American Rock-Paper-Scissors Association of America over my belief that rock would always beat paper.

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And you thought American Pie was long...

If you happen to be traveling through Halberstadt, Germany in the near future, you should make sure that you stop by the Buchardi church to take part in history. On entering the church, you will hear four notes playing: F sharp, C, A, and E (being played at two different octaves). This is the second chord of John Cage's organ2/ASLSP ("As SLow aS Possible"). Now, most normal people would wonder what is so special about this. Those who ask this are not familiar with John Cage's vast body of work, including such hits as 4'33" (an entirely tacit piece), Imaginary Landscape #4 (a piece written for 12 radio receivers), and several pieces written for the Prepared Piano.

John Cage's work has also inspired concert reviews written by Cannon (two pages of white space) and myself (two pages of random sentences taken from the Internet)

This performance of organ2/ASLSP, on the other hand, has a very unique twist. While normally the song is meant to be performed in 20 minutes (still approximately 3 times the length of American Pie), this version of the song is being performed over 639 years, with sandbags placed on the notes to keep them playing; in fact, the organ is being constructed as the song is played! The next note change will occur on May 5, when the two E sandbags are removed from the keyboard. That chord will remain playing until 2008.

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NEWS FLASH: Ryan Gomes Retroactively Placed on Eastern Conference All-Stars

Not to sound like a broken record, but Ryan Gomes just scored a new career-high against the Sixers (29 points). He also pulled down 11 rebounds. Even better, I actually got to watch this game. Judging from his performance, I think it’s safe to assume that he is the most indomitable force in this universe or any other.

In light of recent events, I am now calling upon Coach K to place Ryan on Team USA. Even better, he should be made team captain. If Coach K doesn’t do this immediately, I’m prepared to play a little game I like to call “See How Loud You Can Make The Head Coach of Duke Basketball Scream.” The rules are simple: I get to use needle-nose pliers; not on Coach K, but on JJ Redick and Shane Battier.

[I still have a lot of pent up frustration over the Iverson debacle. You also get bonus points if you can tell me what SNL sketch I’m borrowing from.]

It’s also time that Ryan got a cool nickname. I’m thinking “The Baron of the Boards” or “Night Train.” It’s still a work in progress, but I’d also accept something short and powerful, like “The Duke.”

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Links: Because Papa Bear Loves Ya

Christmas Humps (From J-Haw) – I don’t have many rules in life, but one that I do live by is that anytime there’s an E-card with camels singing “My Humps” and it manages to work in the Sweet Baby Jesus I must link to it.

Sports Are a Big Part of Your Life – This is a published article written by Friend of The News Team Jimmy Mac (aka “The Hustle”). Congrats on getting it out there and doing a great job on it.

Larry Bird Highlight Video – Here’s a Larry Bird montage set to a Ludacris song.

It’s Laksa-tastic (thanks to Chiclet) – Maris Laksa is on MySpace! I actually just signed up for MySpace just so I could ask if I could be his friend. It is odd though that he has himself down as an “Alumni” of PC. Hmmmm....

RIP Gene Frenkle –Wikipedia has an entry on “More Cowbell”.

Woman Busted for Driving, Putting on Make-up – Pulled this one off of Drudge. Ladies do the darnedest things.

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Gomes Update #479

Just wanted to throw out a quick Ryan Gomes update. Last night he put up 27 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists in a Celtics win over the Washington Wizards. He was 9-for-14 from the field, 1-for-2 from behind the arc, and 8-for-9 from the charity strike. Even more impressive, in a game where the C’s turned over the 25 TIMES, Ryan only had a single turnover.

Not to sound too cocky, but I predicted Ryan's success on this blog and to just about anyone who would listen. Of course, all his success is attributable to the The Sharp Dressed Man. HOLLA FRIARS!

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NFL Labor Strife

There’s been a lot of doom and gloom the last week or so about the status of the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement (CBA). There really aren’t many analysts out there who understand what the real issues in the negotiation are. There are really two separate arguments in-play here. [This is an expandable post and if you don't care about football, you should probably just move on with the rest of the blog.]

The first dispute is between the owners of the wealthier teams (Cowboys, Patriots, Eagles, etc.) and the poorer teams (Cardinals, Vikings, etc.). The primary beef is over what money gets shared amongst all the franchises. The biggest chunk of change that is divvied in revenue sharing is the national TV contracts. Under the old agreement, money from stadium naming rights, “official sponsors”, and luxury boxes belonged to individual teams. This is a big deal because a lot of cash is at stake with those deals. The Colts just sold the naming rights of the old RCA Dome for about $180 million. Obviously, the poorer owners would love a piece of that action.

The second dispute is between all of the owners and the player association over what percentage of the shared revenue goes to the players (as reflect in the salary cap). This issue is closely tied to the first in that they don’t know what percentage to ask for because they don’t even know what pie they’re asking for a piece of. Under the old agreement, the players got around 54% of the revenue. Currently, they want something like 60%.

I’m not going to get into my own specific view on the deal now, but I do want to say a few things. The first is that the owners in wealthier markets do deserve some of the benefits of being in those markets (there is a flip side to that coin). There’s also the issue of owners who don’t, for instance, sell the naming rights to their stadiums. Why should they get the cash from another team that’s doing all they can to make their team profitable while they’re, in the case of Cincinnati, naming their stadium after the owner’s dad? As for the players, I think they should hold out for every last dime. Across professional sports, they are subjected to the most physical punishment and are rewarded with the shortest careers. It’s also patently absurd that Chad Pennington is making less than Doug Meyechart.

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IconoQuest: My War of Attrtion Against Boredom

What follows is my running diary of the Icono-Quest. Enjoy. [NOTE: THIS IS AN EXPANDABLE POST.]

1:13 – All great journeys must start somewhere. This one starts at CVS. If I’m gonna play like a champion, I’m gonna need the fuel of a champion: Diet Mountain Dew, beef jerky, and smokes.

Off to Camden.

1:38 – Good omen. Just as I was driving over the Ben Franklin, Barry White’s “First, Last, Everything” just came on the radio. This is a very good sign.

1:43 – Arrive at Hank’s, a diver bar in Camden. Ok, now’s a good a time as any to tell you my plan. I figure, with a little luck, I’ll be able to cross off the coffee one (at Starbucks), the booze one (Hank’s is a sure thing), and the public transit task (PATCO into Philly). I should also be able to use the school computer lab to check and see if there are any nearby Chinese restaurants with “dragon” in their names.

1:45 – So far, not so good. It turns out that Hank’s wasn’t a sure thing. They don’t even stock Midouri Mix. Time for a Lager and a minute or two to regroup.

2:10 – Ok, I’ve gotten to the law school’s computer lab. Inside of about 3 minutes I’ve located the Drgaon Palace on 13th Street, which is just a couple of blocks from the PATCO.

Also, there are already numerous posts of encouragement back on the Ol’ Comment Board. Staying very strong.

2:36 – Arrive in Philly via the PATCO. Also means that I’ve just gotten to complete my first task. BOOYAH!

2:51 – Double bonus! There’s a Kay Bee Toy Store in the train station and I’m able to pick up a Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtle Key Chain. Last time I check, those ninja turtles were ninja-related. Let’s make that two items crossed off the ol’ list.

At this point, I think that it’s relatively fair to say that I’m on fucking fire. We should really bring in David Halberstam for historical perspective on what I’ve just accomplished. In 15 minutes, I’ve absolutely asserted my dominance over this whole, scavenger hunt thing. It’s like taking a rattle from a baby.

2:56 – Just missed the chance to cross off the Mullet-Picture-Task...three times. I swear to my Personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I just saw THREE DIFFERENT GUYS with mullets. The problem is that there isn’t really a discreet way to take a picture of a guy’s mullet in a train station/mall. By the time I figure out how to turn off the flash on the camera, it’s too late.

3:10 – Make it three tasks. Just popped into the Dragon Palace and grabbed a take-out menu. Dominance continued.

Even better, there’s a bar right down the street, McGilliam’s. Life is very good.

3:13 – So close. They’ve got Midouri Sours, but they’re $4.25. Oh well, as my alcoholic Uncle Ronnie would say, booze is booze.

3:25 – Guess that the third time isn’t necessarily the charm. Finn McCool’s, although a really awesome bar with an equally hot bartender, sells Midouri Sours for $4.50. Starting to realize that this task may be harder than advertised. I blame Hank’s.

Related note: I’ve now ordered three Midouri Sours and embarrassment has reached new heights.

3:35 – Just went into the Las Vegas Lounge, take off my jacket, plopped my bag on the counter, and ordered a Midouri Sour. Here’s how my exchange with Stacey the Bartender went down.

Me: Um, I’ll have a Midouri Sour.
[Awkward silence]
Stacey: Really?
Me: Yeah...it’s...um...part of this scavenger hunt thing...
Stacey: How will they know that you drank it?
Me: I’ve got a camera.

At this point, the gears are really grinding. She takes the picture with my new friends who, amazingly enough, are already drunk. I also had to promise the woman in the picture that it wouldn't end up on the internet. Whoops. When I ask what I owe her for my less-than-manly-drink, she tells me that it’s ON THE HOUSE. Oh yeah, free is definitely less than $4.

Here’s where I get greedy. I order a cheese steak to make it two tasks down. I then buy the guy on the far left of the picture a cup of coffee (he was more than perplexed by the offer). Make it three and I’m back on top.

I’m a real-life Earl Hickey at this point. I put on my jacket, pay my tab, thank Stacey, and leave. [If you’re a close reader, you’ll notice something very important.]

5:01 – Arrive back in Camden via PATCO. It’s pretty cold at this point and my hands are buried deep in my pockets. Something doesn’t feel write.

Uh oh.

It suddenly dawns on me that I don’t have my shopping bag. The same shopping bag with my ninja-related item and dragon menu.

5:02 – Depression sets in. I text the following message to Crafty K: “Disaster.”

5:35 – Arrive back home at the apartment. Decide that the best course of action is a quick nap and a shower.

8:47 – That was definitely not a quick nap. It was more of a meandering slumber. Still have time to shower and get out and do some karaoke.

9:15 – Drive out to Julie’s Sport Bar, which has karaoke every Friday night. I’ve only been there twice, but it’s a low-key place where I should be able to pop in and out.

9:20 – Upon arrival at Julie’s, I see that the parking lot is absolutely full, which is very odd. Then I see the sign: Karaoke $1000 Prize. Business is about to pick up.

So I walk into the place and it’s completely full and to say that I’m getting cold feet doesn’t even come close to adequately describing my anguish. I put my name in with the karaoke lady and proceed to order a beer. That beer with the passage of time becomes four beers.

Now, I’m starting to freak out a bit. I’ve only done “You’ve lost that loving feeling” twice. The first time was with a hobo at Finnigan’s and the other time (I think) was with Cannon. It’s a tricky song to do solo because of all the harmonies. I’m basically Oates without Hall.

By the time it’s my turn, I’m a nervous wreck. I step up to the mike and mumble something about doing it “for the kids.” The first couple of bars start playing and everyone in the bar is giving me the “who is this guy who alone came into our dive bar and decided that it was a good song to sing a ballad” face.

As soon as I finish, I thank everyone and leave a stunned audience and a half-finished Bud Lite.

10:40 – Arrive back at the apartment. I’m exhausted and just happy to be alive. I decide that it’s probably best just to call it a night, but decide that I need to at least try to cross something else off my list. After a moment or two of meditation, I turn on Cannon’s computer and print off a picture of the Skip from Sweden’s Lady Curling Team. As soon as it’s off the printer, I sit on it. My first thought is that I don’t think that I’m the first person to sit on Annette Norberg’s face, but I’m probably the first man to. Either way, my bum was just on something Swedish.

11ish – Time for bed.

Conclusion – By the end of the day, I was a shell of a man. I was tired and hung over and just wanted sleep. Adding insult to injury, I didn’t even finish all the tasks. Even more amazing, it changed my whole perspective on the universe. Later in the weekend, I drove up to a Christening in Long Island (I did use the bathroom in my parents’ hotel). Although the mission had long since been over, I still had that scavenger mentality. For instance, at the church I stole a “hippie hymnal.” (The church was one of those new age ones where all the hymns sound like a bad U2 song.) At the reception, my cousins had laid out a lot of toddler toys for all the kids in attendance, including a box of rattles. I went up to one of the children and traded a crayon for a rattle. The rattle now sits on my bar.

I am pleased with the effort though. I stayed strong and did the best I could. Scavenger hunts, like most things in life, are best experienced with others. There’s the practical aspect that tells us that, in those moments when we most desire a nap, our teammates will lift us up or, at the very least, wake us. It also would have been a lot easier if I had someone other than Stacey to help me take pictures. But mostly, it would have been cool to actually experience the hunt with someone.

Either way, it was fun and helped me kill what was sure to be a boring day. For that, I am grateful.

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Is Welsh truly the right man for the job?

Tim Welsh.

As with any coach, Timmy comes under scrutiny the moment something goes wrong. Whether it's a decision on what play to run in the final minute, what prospects to recruit, or what color suit to wear, if the fans don't like it, Welsh becomes the scapegoat. And with the elimination of the Friars from post-season play this afternoon, it seems like a good point to examine whether Tim Welsh in fact is the coach who will lead PC back to the Final Four. Most of the evidence discussed here comes from ESPN.com, which only had 4 years of PC's stats available; this is sufficient for our purposes, since it will show the full effect of his coaching, with minimal influence from his predecessor. Unfortunately, this evidence suggests that Welsh may not be what we want after all.

1. Close games - Over the past 4 years, Timmy has shown his inability to win the close game. In only one of the past four years has Welsh put forth a winning record in games decided by less than 10 points (6-9 in 2002-3; 7-6 in 2003-4; 5-12 in 2004-5; 4-9 in 2005-6). Although it is good that his teams are rarely blown out (about 1/3 of PC's losses were by more than 10 points), it still is not very promising that Welsh cannot make that final push to win the close games that he needs to win, especially in the Big East Tournament (I was present for two games in which Welsh's teams gave up a barely contested layup in the last ten seconds to lose the game).
2. Endurance - This may actually tie into point one, but Welsh's teams seem to fall off horribly from February into March (9-6 in 2003; 6-6 in 2004; 5-6 in 2005; 3-6 in 2006). Part of this is likely due to the young players on Welsh's team, but it still bears in mind that PC cannot get to the Final Four without a strong February and March record.
3. Player Turnover - Welsh certainly has made some good recruiting decisions. After all, he did recruit Ryan Gomes into the PC fold. However, he has unleashed several duds, including Marcus Douthit (A/T = 0.6, 5.9 PPG, 4.6 RPG as a CENTER), and there have been several major controversies with misbehaving players (McGrath's assault charges, the bar brawl) under his regime. This is a mixed point, but Welsh's ability to find good players seems to be falling downhill fast.
4. Success against the Big Boys - The Big East generally enjoys padding its schedule with low quality teams, and that is certainly what Welsh has done. In his career, he is 115-99 at PC (after having gone 70-22 at Iona). Although this 0.537 win percentage is fair, against the Big East (the ones that count for us) he is 53-61 (0.464). The Tim Welsh coached team just has not been able to stand up and show that it is the basketball powerhouse that it once was.

Overall, Welsh seems to be taking the Friars in the wrong direction. Next year will be very important, as the Friars will have to regroup losing Donnie McGrath (who finally emerged this year as a leader for the struggling Friars). This is going to be the big test for Welsh, and if he can't pull the Friars through this, he'd better practice asking, "Would you like fries with that?"

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The Icono-Quest

Greetings from Folsom! Since Cannon is gone for the weekend and I’m bored, I’m going to answer the call of Craft K and Chiclet and go on a scavenger hunt. I’ve been charged with finding/doing the following:

Karaoke “You’ve lost that loving feeling”
A sub-$4 midouri sour
Put my bum on something Swedish (like Tom Greene’s song)
Find something ninja related
Eat a Philly Cheesesteak
Ride public transportation somewhere
Buy a stranger a cup of coffee
Take a picture of a mullet
Take-out menu from a Chinese restaurant with “dragon” in its name
Pee in a very nice building/hotel
Something bear related

If any of you have any suggestions give me a ring (if you have my number) or post a comment (I’ve got my own way to check it). May God be with me.

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Links: Ninja Alert Level has been raised to ‘Plaid’

Ninja Attack – Ninja attempts break-in and is confronted by a 68-year-old man...with a shotgun. Other related, ninja resources include the Official Ninja Web Page and the Ninja FAQ. Pictured above is a young, fearsome ninja-trainee.

Safety Not Guaranteed the – I know I posted this one before, but it was buried in my Awesome Day diary. Absolutely hysterical. If you don’t have sound, be sure to check it out later as well. It’s just brilliant.

More Brokeback Parodies – I wish that I could just stop posting these, but this is just too funny. The Brokeback Kid. The Brokeback Redemption.

NFL Doomsday – The ramifications of this are just staggering for football fans. As it stands now, NFL owners have a very good deal. The union is very weak and they’ve got loads of cap-related advantages that other leagues dream of. They’re about to find out that breaking the union will be much tougher in 2006 than it was back in the 80’s.

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Everyday Villains

We all encounter people in the course of our lives that annoy us. I’m not talking about friends or family, but those who just occasionally bump into our world. I figured that every few weeks or so that I would “salute” those people and I'm going to call it "Everyday Villains

Today, I salute Atul. Atul is a guy who works at the Dunkin Donuts that I go to just about every day. I think that he may be a manager/owner of some sort. Now I’ve been to a lot of Dunkin Donuts, but I’ve never seen one so wildly inefficient. It’s almost supernatural. As a rule, I don’t normally hop on folks for not being great at their job. I’ve worked in a bookstore and I know that folks are almost always trying hard. So, I know where they’re coming from.

Atul is the exception to that rule. He, without fail, makes creepy small-talk with every female under the age of 32 that darkens his Dunkin Donuts’ door. It’s the same thing with each one. He calls them by name, asks if they want their usual order, and then inserts something like “how you sister?” Meanwhile, I’m standing behind the broken-down townie that he’s trying to chat up, just hoping that I can get to class on-time. When I do get to the front, he barely acknowledges me and, invariably, gets my order wrong. (Milk and no sugar, by the way). In the end, everyone ends up annoyed.

So, thanks Atul! You make every day just a little bit.

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Links: We Go Into the Bear Pit

The Elmhurst Pub Roundtable – This blog just came to my attention a group of fellow PC alum got their own site going and have named it beautifully. They’ve got some solid stuff on Ryan Gomes and other sports-related things. Definitely worth a look. The links on our new list, but I just wanted to call it to everybody’s attention.

Shooting at Kanye West Concert – File this one under ‘U’ for ‘utterly predictable.’

Left Behind: The Video Game– Great news if you’re a Christian gamer. Apparently, it promises Grand Theft Auto levels of violence. Needless to say, I’m intrigued. I’m still pushing for an Anchorman video game, which would be like heaven. Picture a young Ron Burgandy fighting his way through San Diego with his Channel 4 News Team as they battle towards their studio (so they can read the news, of course). Obstacles would include rival news teams, bikers, and random guys that Champ had made a pass at.

The Force Skeptics Page – This site pretty much speaks for itself. Apparently, there is a very good chance that the force isn’t real. Referral from FARK.

BEAR FIGHT! – Apparently bears in California are getting larger because of their protein-rich, garbage diet. This does not appear to be a good thing for humanity. As always, stay tuned to the Pancake Breakfast for any bear-related updates.

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Allen Iverson Walking Funny...

because he just got the shaft.

I spent the last two weeks watching the Olympics. I’ve found that it’s fairly easy to distinguish between those who actually care (Apollo Ohno, Lindsay Kildow, Maureen Brunt) and those who are there for the fame or cash or whatever (Bode Miller, Lindsey Jacobellis). I think that most of us gravitate towards those “pure” Olympians; the ones who care about representing their country and understand that a gold medal means something more than a potential payday.

Now, according to ESPN.com, the Great Mike Krzyzewski has decided that Allen Iverson is not the type of player that he wants to have on Team USA. Now, I don’t know how well Iverson fits into an Olympic-style of play. I do know, however, that back in 2004 he was one of two players on the court that gave a damn and gave their country maximum effort. He was also one of the few superstars that actually made good on his commitment to Team USA while so many others backed out at the last moment (including several Pistons and Shaq).

AI has let it be known to just about everyone that he wants to go back and be part of the team that wins a gold for his country. He’s now been told that he won’t even get to “try out” for the team.

So much for the Olympic spirit. More to come on this after the 25-man roster comes out on Sunday.

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